Venting SN arrives tomorrow and I'm on the verge of a panic attack

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I felt okay for some days off this site and I even bought some clothes but right now Im feeling very very anxious because I remenbered that sn comes tomorrow. I dont even have the antiemetics yet because ADC and GP doesnt ship to Spain + I dont know if its 95% pure. Im not strong enough to keep living but neither to die idk what to do and I feel like I need it to vent it and to read some of you. I just wanted to have sn and antiemetics ready for when i wanted to go but just thinking about it triggers my ptsd from a previous failed attempt of ctb and I cant even found an online pharmacy to buy antiemetics.

The worst part of all this is that in this days I tried to live and it didnt feel bad at all, nothing like pre-trauma days but it was okay. I tried to be grateful and kind with everyone but I have flashbacks of my trauma and I cant get over it even though it's been 9 months.

I think that the main problem is that my family needs me beacuse I have to contribute with money and that some friends needs me beacuse I find jobs for them but I cant live with this pain everyday. Its like im a slave at the command of others around me.

 

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Why is so hard to stop existing man I'm so done I didn't ask to be born and now people around me depends on me. Not even the psychologist understands me

 

[Esokabat]

I felt okay for some days off this site and I even bought some clothes but right now Im feeling very very anxious because I remenbered that sn comes tomorrow. I dont even have the antiemetics yet because ADC and GP doesnt ship to Spain + I dont know if its 95% pure. Im not strong enough to keep living but neither to die idk what to do and I feel like I need it to vent it and to read some of you. I just wanted to have sn and antiemetics ready for when i wanted to go but just thinking about it triggers my ptsd from a previous failed attempt of ctb and I cant even found an online pharmacy to buy antiemetics.

The worst part of all this is that in this days I tried to live and it didnt feel bad at all, nothing like pre-trauma days but it was okay. I tried to be grateful and kind with everyone but I have flashbacks of my trauma and I cant get over it even though it's been 9 months.

I think that the main problem is that my family needs me beacuse I have to contribute with money and that some friends needs me beacuse I find jobs for them but I cant live with this pain everyday. Its like im a slave at the command of others around me.

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. Can I please ask if your SN comes from overseas or Spain? I am not from Spain originally but been here for about 10 years. I speak Spanish. Did you find SN that ships from here? Did you search for specific keywords, any guidance would be appreciated on how to find SN in Spain. As far as antiemetics, have you tried different pharmacies in Spain? I find that many pharmacies here give out medication without a prescription, for example HRT, antibiotics, thyroid medications, etc, all those are prescription but I was able to get it. Thank you!