enviro400mmc
#1 cake123 fanboy
- Nov 27, 2022
- 101
Time for a little personal rant, read if you want but I won't take the slightest offence if you don't care.
The SN I ordered has arrived. First a quick note for those who want to order SN, particularly from IC to the UK as I did and are nervous: Everything went very smoothly. I ordered and it arrived in just 9 days. I did send my ID although it sounds from others like that might not actually have been necessary. The package is EXTREMELY inconspicuous - just a white envelope which has little indication of what is inside of it beyond saying 'sodium salt' in small writing an a label with all sorts of other delivery information. Reception at my uni accomodation recieved it and kept hold of it for 3 days seemingly without there being any suspicion.
Anyway, onto my personal situation. I don't have my life planned beyond Friday. I have lived the past 3 weeks of my life with the understanding that I will kill myself. My life right now is a life of oppressive pain. Yet if I were to wake up on Saturday morning it will somehow manage to become so, so much worse. I am not really logistically prepared to live life beyond that point - I have so many commitments and appointments which I would have to deal with if I live beyond that point but have just given up on dealing with on the basis that they won't matter in a week. And I'm certainly not emotionally prepared to live past this point - to have to deal with the pain of the last 20 years of my life, of my constant failure to fit into society and the depression I have had almost infallibly since I became sentient.
My life has been far more peaceful for the past month since I set this date to CTB. I've been largely able to disregard anxiety about the future because I know I don't have to worry about one. It's weird because it has somewhat allowed me to enjoy my interests, seeing my family etc a bit more without it being tainted by the state of my life. Occassionally this has made think about reconsidering killing myself, only to realise how necessary it is as soon as I think about the state of my life and any potential recovery I could attempt to make (more on that later).
The bottom line is this: I need to kill myself on Friday night. I have committed to that. And in many ways I am comfortable with that and feel like I am ready. But I still can't help that fear that when the time comes I just won't be able to do it. For a start, I know that SI is obviously very strong with everyone and that is going to be a difficult barrier to overcome, particularly without any meds to take with the SN. I feel like it is going to be particularly bad with me - I am naturally a risk averse person who doesn't particularly like heights or pretty much anything scary or dangerous. And there are other signs that gives me fear that when Friday evening comes about I am not going to be able to drink the SN. For example, I know that my suicide is probably going to devastate my wondeful family who have treated me so well over the past 20 years. The rational part of my brain has accepted that tradeoff is something which just has to happen to end my suffering. But I feel like it hasn't affected me much emotionally. I fear that I am not feeling strongly about this because deep down in my brain I don't believe I am actually going to drink SN on Friday night.
Also, my acceptance of suicide and death as a whole is quite reluctact and full of grief. I am not one those people on these forums who finds the shear nature of existence repulsive and prefers the idea of death. I do believe that living is generally the preferable thing for most people, just that my life is not one of those lives that warrents that. I have occassionally gone through phases of my life where I would randomly get really anxious about the entire concept of death and never living again for infinity, obviously at very independant times to my suicidal episodes, although this one I am currently in is obviously by far my most serious. Killing myself is not something I am going to have an easy time doing.
So yeah, waking up on Saturday morning is an absolutely terrifying but also a very real thought. And nothing reaffirms my desire for suicide more than thinking about recovery. The idea of trying to drag myself out of my current situation sound completely impossible, terrifying and filled with never ending pain. I will have to live a life of being inherently belittled for my mental health difficulties and mindset - everyone will think I'm batshit insane and completely stupid if I am to survive a suicide attempt. You see, I can often feel embarassed about my reasoning for wanting to CTB, even on SS I sometimes feel like a fraud compared to the people who have had to go through real adversity and get scared to share my difficulties. I have had an incredibly priviliged upbringing in a well-off household with wonderful parents and a very close relationship with my sister. I have generally done well academically, am studying a good degree at a good university (admittedly I don't love it but it is tolerable )and would generally have good future prospects if I didn't let depression and dissatisfaction consume my life.
Ultimately the depression is about the lack of social contact I have had through my life. This has been something which I have honestly been perenially depressed about since I was about 5. I have occasionally had friends but have generally felt unpopular and not had a social circle to really go and live life with (particularly in my teen years). This is something I have always been very unhappy about and it is becoming something which makes me ever more anxious and upset as I grow up, life becomes less sheltered and having a support circle of friends becomes even more necessary than it already is. As an aside, the swift failure (through no real fault of my own) of my only real romantic encounter probably isn't helpful but I certainly would be willing to keep living (and indeed would not even be considering suicide) if I was otherwise satisfied with how my life had been socially. The final straw for me has come at uni, when my entire group of friends systematically turned on me for little reason. Not only do I have to deal with the isolation and loneliness from that, but I have to deal with being genuinely hated. I have often consoled myself with the fact I don't get into conflicts with people and losing that is losing a huge source of what little sense of self worth and happiness I ever had.
The reality is this reason is only a slightly more nuanced version of 'I am going to kill myself because some people are being mean to me', and I think the nuance is very important here but I doubt most will see it. It doesn't really matter whether or not they do though because if I try to seek help or fail an attempt then people are going to think I am absolutely batshit insane. In some ways I think I'm crazy and stupid. People go through actual proper adversity and never put a thought to killing themselves. But the stigma toward people with poor mental health is so strong and just cripples my desire to attempt life yet again. I know how bad it is to live as someone suffering mentally because I know how I have treated other people in similar situations when my life has been less difficult. I don't want to live life simultaneously as a burden while being condensendingly looked down on by everyone else in their toxic happiness. The other option is to carry on living a closeted life of fake satisfaction. No thanks.
This didn't end up being brief but covers my situation pretty much fully. I know I have to kill myself on Friday - my bus ticket is booked and I know exactly how to use it. But sometimes I do wish that I didn't have to.
The SN I ordered has arrived. First a quick note for those who want to order SN, particularly from IC to the UK as I did and are nervous: Everything went very smoothly. I ordered and it arrived in just 9 days. I did send my ID although it sounds from others like that might not actually have been necessary. The package is EXTREMELY inconspicuous - just a white envelope which has little indication of what is inside of it beyond saying 'sodium salt' in small writing an a label with all sorts of other delivery information. Reception at my uni accomodation recieved it and kept hold of it for 3 days seemingly without there being any suspicion.
Anyway, onto my personal situation. I don't have my life planned beyond Friday. I have lived the past 3 weeks of my life with the understanding that I will kill myself. My life right now is a life of oppressive pain. Yet if I were to wake up on Saturday morning it will somehow manage to become so, so much worse. I am not really logistically prepared to live life beyond that point - I have so many commitments and appointments which I would have to deal with if I live beyond that point but have just given up on dealing with on the basis that they won't matter in a week. And I'm certainly not emotionally prepared to live past this point - to have to deal with the pain of the last 20 years of my life, of my constant failure to fit into society and the depression I have had almost infallibly since I became sentient.
My life has been far more peaceful for the past month since I set this date to CTB. I've been largely able to disregard anxiety about the future because I know I don't have to worry about one. It's weird because it has somewhat allowed me to enjoy my interests, seeing my family etc a bit more without it being tainted by the state of my life. Occassionally this has made think about reconsidering killing myself, only to realise how necessary it is as soon as I think about the state of my life and any potential recovery I could attempt to make (more on that later).
The bottom line is this: I need to kill myself on Friday night. I have committed to that. And in many ways I am comfortable with that and feel like I am ready. But I still can't help that fear that when the time comes I just won't be able to do it. For a start, I know that SI is obviously very strong with everyone and that is going to be a difficult barrier to overcome, particularly without any meds to take with the SN. I feel like it is going to be particularly bad with me - I am naturally a risk averse person who doesn't particularly like heights or pretty much anything scary or dangerous. And there are other signs that gives me fear that when Friday evening comes about I am not going to be able to drink the SN. For example, I know that my suicide is probably going to devastate my wondeful family who have treated me so well over the past 20 years. The rational part of my brain has accepted that tradeoff is something which just has to happen to end my suffering. But I feel like it hasn't affected me much emotionally. I fear that I am not feeling strongly about this because deep down in my brain I don't believe I am actually going to drink SN on Friday night.
Also, my acceptance of suicide and death as a whole is quite reluctact and full of grief. I am not one those people on these forums who finds the shear nature of existence repulsive and prefers the idea of death. I do believe that living is generally the preferable thing for most people, just that my life is not one of those lives that warrents that. I have occassionally gone through phases of my life where I would randomly get really anxious about the entire concept of death and never living again for infinity, obviously at very independant times to my suicidal episodes, although this one I am currently in is obviously by far my most serious. Killing myself is not something I am going to have an easy time doing.
So yeah, waking up on Saturday morning is an absolutely terrifying but also a very real thought. And nothing reaffirms my desire for suicide more than thinking about recovery. The idea of trying to drag myself out of my current situation sound completely impossible, terrifying and filled with never ending pain. I will have to live a life of being inherently belittled for my mental health difficulties and mindset - everyone will think I'm batshit insane and completely stupid if I am to survive a suicide attempt. You see, I can often feel embarassed about my reasoning for wanting to CTB, even on SS I sometimes feel like a fraud compared to the people who have had to go through real adversity and get scared to share my difficulties. I have had an incredibly priviliged upbringing in a well-off household with wonderful parents and a very close relationship with my sister. I have generally done well academically, am studying a good degree at a good university (admittedly I don't love it but it is tolerable )and would generally have good future prospects if I didn't let depression and dissatisfaction consume my life.
Ultimately the depression is about the lack of social contact I have had through my life. This has been something which I have honestly been perenially depressed about since I was about 5. I have occasionally had friends but have generally felt unpopular and not had a social circle to really go and live life with (particularly in my teen years). This is something I have always been very unhappy about and it is becoming something which makes me ever more anxious and upset as I grow up, life becomes less sheltered and having a support circle of friends becomes even more necessary than it already is. As an aside, the swift failure (through no real fault of my own) of my only real romantic encounter probably isn't helpful but I certainly would be willing to keep living (and indeed would not even be considering suicide) if I was otherwise satisfied with how my life had been socially. The final straw for me has come at uni, when my entire group of friends systematically turned on me for little reason. Not only do I have to deal with the isolation and loneliness from that, but I have to deal with being genuinely hated. I have often consoled myself with the fact I don't get into conflicts with people and losing that is losing a huge source of what little sense of self worth and happiness I ever had.
The reality is this reason is only a slightly more nuanced version of 'I am going to kill myself because some people are being mean to me', and I think the nuance is very important here but I doubt most will see it. It doesn't really matter whether or not they do though because if I try to seek help or fail an attempt then people are going to think I am absolutely batshit insane. In some ways I think I'm crazy and stupid. People go through actual proper adversity and never put a thought to killing themselves. But the stigma toward people with poor mental health is so strong and just cripples my desire to attempt life yet again. I know how bad it is to live as someone suffering mentally because I know how I have treated other people in similar situations when my life has been less difficult. I don't want to live life simultaneously as a burden while being condensendingly looked down on by everyone else in their toxic happiness. The other option is to carry on living a closeted life of fake satisfaction. No thanks.
This didn't end up being brief but covers my situation pretty much fully. I know I have to kill myself on Friday - my bus ticket is booked and I know exactly how to use it. But sometimes I do wish that I didn't have to.
