this is worrying. my "plan" was to wait until sometime in January, walk out into a nearby field and take 20g of SN dissolved in 50ml. i'd follow a stat dose beforehand, but my brain is so fucking disorganized it's hard to tell whether or not i'm timing everything correctly. on top of that, fasting might be quite difficult in my environment because i never really know "when" food will come or when i should eat something. i've heard that you can still die after puking which i guess is fine, but i'm doing all of this under the flimsy assumption that if i'm sure i puked most of it up and death won't be happening, i can just walk back home like an idiot and deal with the residue symptoms on my own. that was the one comfort i had, especially when knowing it's a lot more likely i'll fail due to the fasting issue. i am pathologically incapable of committing to anything so this kind of half-assed attempt came off as almost relieving. "if i die then oh well, if i don't then it's no big deal and i can shrug it off!" but now i don't know what to do. having my SN expire in march without me doing anything with it is just incredibly shameful and makes me feel fake. it seems ironic that to kill yourself you actually need the parts of your brain that handle confidence/inner calm and planning skills to work just a little bit, while i can't even manage that. i just act on pure blind desperation (which has been sustained 24/7 for months now) or apathy and self-hatred. i really shouldn't be this bad at being suicidal when i've had my entire life to think on it.
