Venting Small anger outbursts? (Help with how to start reducing alcohol?) Summary: want help please.

[IDontKnowEverything]

This post is kinda TW-ed, read at your own risk..
Just wish to ask about two things here. At first I put this under the help tag but it ended in a small rant as I tried to explain an example and it ended up under story, but I read it again a few times and it's under vent now.. but I do wish to ask for help.
Also sorry for the bad pacing, I really tried I'm just a very bad storyteller.

So I know I mentioned anger in the title, it happens but I always was the type take things out on me and never others.
This thread I wanted to put forward here because of yesterday afternoon.
So I opened Pinterest for the first time in a while because I wanted to look for new ways to paint on corpse paint because at this point although I do it rarely, it's the only way I feel more in my skin (yet yesterday my hand would not move at all).
I was around two shots in by that point (didn't affect me yet) and after a bit of a while of scrolling I found this post that showed pictures of 4 black metal artists and asked "which one of these you would bring back to life".
So most of the comment section under that post actually wanted to revive Per "Dead" Ohlin, aka one of Mayhem's vocalists, aka a guy that CTB-ed and would likely really hate to be bought back.
Right before that post I was nothing more than just the regular amount of tired, but after that comment section I might or might not have imagined myself in his place and I felt rage born from genuine anguish over nothing more than an idea, a thought, and so I straight up chugged over a half liter of 37.5% white rum and layed unmoving, squished on the bit of floor my room has between my bed and closet, until today afternoon (~=16:30). Felt like I was gonna have a heart attack for hours, and it was so, so cold...
Stopped myself from hurling by some miracle and how alcohol poisoning didn't get me idk the doze was enough tho but guess it's time to get thin again.
But I do know that my body feels less and less like my own again lately and I don't feel like I had that much control over my decision to do that, again.

My sudden rise in alcohol consumption has been caused by getting clean from sh for a while (Yay me tho!).
Not my only two addictions but really, does anyone here have any suggestions (possibly aside from exercise and rehab) on how to control myself better in general?
Any genuine advice or personal experiences on how to feel more like myself if that's possible still, and on how to stop constantly replacing one self destructive behaviour with another?
And thank you if you've made it this far. Hugs.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm afraid I don't have specific experience. I struggled a lot with binge eating though. One thing that helped was a book that basically said- ultimately it is a choice to stuff food in your mouth! You can choose to not do it. I can completely sympathise with the huge cravings/ urge to still do it though.

Have you ever tried self help books? I suppose they haven't worked entirely for me but, some things helped I guess. There must be books on struggling with alcohol. I guess there's AA if some mutual support might help.

Well done for reducing/ quitting the self harm though. I think it is quite common for people to need a crutch to get over one behaviour. Former smokers often pile on the weight. I guess the ideal is to find something less harmful to lean on.

Maybe the other thing is to try to identify your triggers. It's not exactly possible to start avoiding things like Pinterest. Still- how far along did you get with looking at those pages before they started to really affect you? Was it immediate or, did it build up? I think you kind of have to be conscious at the start of something like this- this is likely to lead me somewhere I don't want to go. So- try to distract yourself with something else at the start.

Again, I don't have experience with this but, I've been through several bouts of limerence (obsessive crushes on guys.) I'm very conscious now- when I start to feel myself obsessing- to nip it in the bud, because- I know how much it messes me up. For me- I know I musn't 'feed' these obsessions by thinking about them. So- it's a kind of: 'Snap out of it. You know how it will end up otherwise.' Again, not easy but, I know it's necessary.

 

[IDontKnowEverything]

I struggled a lot with binge eating though. One thing that helped was a book

Oh, do you maybe still remember what it was called? I used to binge all of the time before getting sick of being overweight in my teens and kind of reversing that process so I'd give it a skim but it's actually for a friend who I really want to help out with her BED (probably amongst the healthier byproducts of stress and more she could have picked) yet don't have any healthy advice for.

ultimately it is a choice to stuff food in your mouth!

Sigh, fair enough.

my body feels less and less like my own again

It honestly doesn't fully feel like a choice, at all, but ultimately I guess it really is and I need to better my understanding of that.
I guess I just don't want to. But yeah, I have to actually choose to get better, the choice thing is actually a pretty useful phrase so thank you.

I can completely sympathise with the huge cravings/ urge to still do it though.

Very much so yeah, can feel like you'll go nuts which can be an understatement, depends.
However, (by the sound of it) you managed to recover from your ED and I'm very proud of you for that, srsly, good job on it.

Have you ever tried self help books? I suppose they haven't worked entirely for me but, some things helped I guess.

I have. Books, articles, psychology videos that break the human mind into a science (something great to understand yourself better yet the attempt to make it all a stric science from the professional perspective has both ups and downs).
It helped me realise some things in general, develop some additional emotional intelligence concerning others (autistic here), and learn to understand my own experiences more.. but other than temporary motivation no amount of understanding will help me until I choose to help myself.. which is much harder than I want it to be hahah.

There must be books on struggling with alcohol.

There are some yeah I'm just really afraid of what happens after I quit, I really hate living.

AA if some mutual support might help

Honestly I'm very grateful that place exists at all. A little bit like I think the world would lose truly far too much if SaSu ever gets shut down, AA is also a place people can go to.

Well done for reducing/ quitting the self harm though.

Thanks .

I think it is quite common for people to need a crutch to get over one behaviour.

I know I'm relying on crutches to quit stuff but my theory is that I can jump over to a potentially less harmful one every jump.
Said thinking feels more like a delusion than anything but fake it until you can and see if you'll make it.
Also spend too much time with one coping mehanism and it gets very out of hand pretty fast, I'd know.

Former smokers often pile on the weight.

When you start smoking your appetite gets smaller for a bit of a while, likewise when you stop your body changes and as you said, weight gain is almost impossible to avoid.

I guess the ideal is to find something less harmful to lean on.

I hate the fact that this is what recovery actually looks like. But yeah.

Maybe the other thing is to try to identify your triggers. It's not exactly possible to start avoiding things like Pinterest. Still- how far along did you get with looking at those pages before they started to really affect you? Was it immediate or, did it build up? I think you kind of have to be conscious at the start of something like this- this is likely to lead me somewhere I don't want to go. So- try to distract yourself with something else at the start.

You are right on all you say, getting to know your triggers is necessary for harm reduction.
In this case it took me by surprise, Pinterest was supposed to be the distraction, my mind is fully capable of taking me places with no help whatsoever, but otherwise knowing to identify all you said here is indeed all very necessary so thank you.

Again, I don't have experience with this but, I've been through several bouts of limerence (obsessive crushes on guys.) I'm very conscious now- when I start to feel myself obsessing- to nip it in the bud, because- I know how much it messes me up. For me- I know I musn't 'feed' these obsessions by thinking about them. So- it's a kind of: 'Snap out of it. You know how it will end up otherwise.' Again, not easy but, I know it's necessary.

Yeah, the more you (as you said earlier with food,) choose to stay, the more you take in.. the more painful it gets.
Yet you learnt from experience. I hope that you eventually managed to find a good use of the time you gained back to at least sometimes do nice things for yourself as well.

Sorry for dumping all of this text on you. I read everything and not sure I showed it but I really am grateful for the reply.
Sending a lot of love your way.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Oh, do you maybe still remember what it was called? I used to binge all of the time before getting sick of being overweight in my teens and kind of reversing that process so I'd give it a skim but it's actually for a friend who I really want to help out with her BED (probably amongst the healthier byproducts of stress and more she could have picked) yet don't have any healthy advice for.

Sigh, fair enough.

It honestly doesn't fully feel like a choice, at all, but ultimately I guess it really is and I need to better my understanding of that.
I guess I just don't want to. But yeah, I have to actually choose to get better, the choice thing is actually a pretty useful phrase so thank you.

Very much so yeah, can feel like you'll go nuts which can be an understatement, depends.
However, (by the sound of it) you managed to recover from your ED and I'm very proud of you for that, srsly, good job on it.

I have. Books, articles, psychology videos that break the human mind into a science (something great to understand yourself better yet the attempt to make it all a stric science from the professional perspective has both ups and downs).
It helped me realise some things in general, develop some additional emotional intelligence concerning others (autistic here), and learn to understand my own experiences more.. but other than temporary motivation no amount of understanding will help me until I choose to help myself.. which is much harder than I want it to be hahah.

There are some yeah I'm just really afraid of what happens after I quit, I really hate living.

Honestly I'm very grateful that place exists at all. A little bit like I think the world would lose truly far too much if SaSu ever gets shut down, AA is also a place people can go to.

Thanks .

I know I'm relying on crutches to quit stuff but my theory is that I can jump over to a potentially less harmful one every jump.
Said thinking feels more like a delusion than anything but fake it until you can and see if you'll make it.
Also spend too much time with one coping mehanism and it gets very out of hand pretty fast, I'd know.

When you start smoking your appetite gets smaller for a bit of a while, likewise when you stop your body changes and as you said, weight gain is almost impossible to avoid.

I hate the fact that this is what recovery actually looks like. But yeah.

You are right on all you say, getting to know your triggers is necessary for harm reduction.
In this case it took me by surprise, Pinterest was supposed to be the distraction, my mind is fully capable of taking me places with no help whatsoever, but otherwise knowing to identify all you said here is indeed all very necessary so thank you.

Yeah, the more you (as you said earlier with food,) choose to stay, the more you take in.. the more painful it gets.
Yet you learnt from experience. I hope that you eventually managed to find a good use of the time you gained back to at least sometimes do nice things for yourself as well.

Sorry for dumping all of this text on you. I read everything and not sure I showed it but I really am grateful for the reply.
Sending a lot of love your way.

The book is called: 'Brain over Binge' by Kathryn Hansen. Been a while since I read it but, I remember it did flick a few switches in my brain- as it were.

Truthfully, yes I don't feel like I've been truly out of control with binge eating for maybe 7 years or so. I'm still fat though. . Plus, I'm scared of how easy it would be to just slip back. Some days, little ideas about biscuits creep in.

I absolutely remember enough to know where you're coming from though. The desire to do it some days was madenning. It's hard to describe how out of control you can feel in that moment. I imagine for substances that are even more addictive, it's got to be torcherous. Hence, I would never risk trying drugs! Seeing as I was like some crack head on bread!

That's so honest for all of us- that ultimately, we have to choose to help ourselves. Hard to ennact and, even hard to choose sometimes. Do you have end motivations/ goals to inspire and motivate you? I certainly did better when I had them. Sorry! I'm a bit of an imposter in the 'recovery' section!

You're thinking seems sound to me- use one coping mechanism to pull you out of a more damaging one and, so on. But sure- it's got to feel frightening to be aiming to give up all your crutches.

Yeah, totally. I think most people woukd hope Pinterest would be safe! Still, when we are fixated on certain things, I think we start seeing links everywhere. During one of my ridiculous limerent crushes, I was out with a friend. We happened to go past this restaraunt that had his name! I turned to my friend and was like: 'It's not just me- right?' Like the world is trying to bait me here!

You definitely showed your gatitude. Thank you for replying in such detail. I'm newer to posting in recovery (not that I'm trying to recover myself to be honest) but now, I'm rooting for people here! It reminds me of when I was trying to fight, rather than just tread water. I really hope things start feeling easier for you.