Slowly slipping

[lostinthebleak]

I've been looking at this site for about a month or so after accidentally finding it. I have been doing a lot of research into potential methods, some impulse driven others planned a bit. From CO being the planned (yes I've been reading the mega thread)and driving head on into a tree at high speed (with only me in the car). I have attempted therapy but it hasn't worked neither have any meds I've taken. 6 months ago my life was great. Good job, great family, good friends. Now it's been plummeting lately. A year ago lost my mom unexpectedly and my grandma a few months later who had a long term illness. Only thing that has me hesitant is possibly keeping my job that I'm currently at risk of losing due to stupid circumstances that I had no idea about. I'd just like some perspective from others that may have gone through similar things and whatever advice people can offer.

 

[lastlife_]

Sorry that life has led you to this place. Have you only felt suicidal within the last 6 months or have you experienced it before? Either way, I'm happy that you're contemplating rather than acting on impulse because I do think there's as many pros to life as there are cons.. wish you luck in whatever you choose

 

[lostinthebleak]

Sorry that life has led you to this place. Have you only felt suicidal within the last 6 months or have you experienced it before? Either way, I'm happy that you're contemplating rather than acting on impulse because I do think there's as many pros to life as there are cons.. wish you luck in whatever you choose

I've been in this mental state before. Probably over a good portion of my life. The last few years things had been looking better up until recently. I've seen in news articles about how many fatal crashes occur from hitting trees (I don't want to hit another car, fail, and accidentally kill someone) and the CO method I've tampered with a little trying to find the sweet spot for the flames before dumping them into a metal bucket And taking it into my car.

 

[lastlife_]

I don't want to sound like a pro lifer because I'm definitely pro choice, but do you think given enough time to overcome things that have occurred recently in your life and given an effort to improve your current lifestyle/circumstances that you'd be able to live happily or purposefully? If so, I really hope you're able to put your shoulders back and give life another try just to see if you could turn it into something great. I was at my lowest point age 20, about 11 years ago now and I made a promise that I would really try to life well so that if or when I do decide to ctb I can say 'no one can say I didn't try.. I tried' and that's the least I could've owed myself..

I've still got my charcoal but I don't drive and I feel like I've lost my opportunity for that method. For one I don't live alone and secondly I have neighbours either side so I think it would be suspicious if I was suddenly 'barbecuing' in the garden as it's winter now.. and I'd also need to bring the coals upstairs but I don't know how easy that would be when they're burning hot.. so hanging is my first choice but the option is still there I guess. I'd heard of cases where people drive into a tree or wall, too. I think there was a case a few months ago where a radio host got into some controversy and drove his motorcycle into a wall..

 

[lostinthebleak]

I don't want to sound like a pro lifer because I'm definitely pro choice, but do you think given enough time to overcome things that have occurred recently in your life and given an effort to improve your current lifestyle/circumstances that you'd be able to live happily or purposefully? If so, I really hope you're able to put your shoulders back and give life another try just to see if you could turn it into something great. I was at my lowest point age 20, about 11 years ago now and I made a promise that I would really try to life well so that if or when I do decide to ctb I can say 'no one can say I didn't try.. I tried' and that's the least I could've owed myself..

I've still got my charcoal but I don't drive and I feel like I've lost my opportunity for that method. For one I don't live alone and secondly I have neighbours either side so I think it would be suspicious if I was suddenly 'barbecuing' in the garden as it's winter now.. and I'd also need to bring the coals upstairs but I don't know how easy that would be when they're burning hot.. so hanging is my first choice but the option is still there I guess. I'd heard of cases where people drive into a tree or wall, too. I think there was a case a few months ago where a radio host got into some controversy and drove his motorcycle into a wall..

If I were to lose my job I think it would be the straw the broke the camels back. I've been in severe depression since my mom died. Been distant to my dad and siblings more and more since I live overseas and their in the states. I feel like my wife and I have been starting to fight more and more. Personally I'm just tired of being sad torn inside and angry at the world. I'm sorry you are in the situation your in too. I've contemplated hanging but have no good secure points in my home aside from my railing which I'm not sure would hold me even though I don't weigh a ton. I'm just at a loss of how to keep going on a lot of the times.
I wish I could get my hands on some SN but living in the UK can't find a source and any international I fear would look suspicious

 

[lastlife_]

If I were to lose my job I think it would be the straw the broke the camels back. I've been in severe depression since my mom died. Been distant to my dad and siblings more and more since I live overseas and their in the states. I feel like my wife and I have been starting to fight more and more. Personally I'm just tired of being sad torn inside and angry at the world. I'm sorry you are in the situation your in too. I've contemplated hanging but have no good secure points in my home aside from my railing which I'm not sure would hold me even though I don't weigh a ton. I'm just at a loss of how to keep going on a lot of the times.
I wish I could get my hands on some SN but living in the UK can't find a source and any international I fear would look suspicious

I completely understand about being tired, sad and angry.. sometimes I sit and wonder what led me down this path of darkness and depression, but I figured I need to stop reflecting on the past and trying to look for something or someone else to shift blame or anger onto. As much as our experiences shape us, I'm accountable for my own being so I've no one to blame but myself at this point.. but I do think there's something linked to my genetic makeup which makes me feel so hollow and empty inside.. once again, I'm sorry for the recent hardships in your life.. for your sake, if there is a brighter future for you, I really hope you don't lose your job. I'm from the uk also so I understand the issues with SN, but I don't think I'd have the balls to do it even if I wanted. I know that between the 8 hours of prep and just after taking it I would've had too many thoughts that would likely make me back out.. the one thing I can hope for when I attempt hanging next is to pass out quickly..

 

[FuneralCry]

It is an awful feeling when things just get worse. It really can be horrible being alive. I'm sorry you are going through all this, whatever happens I wish you the best.