I wanted to talk about this to see if anyone had a similar experience. I always knew I was weird or different but did not feel hopeless or depressed until I was 19 or so. Even then it was a slow slide into depression and suicidal feelings that I fought in all the ways you are supposed to (therapy, SSRIs, exercise). But it still felt like fighting the inevitable and it was such an uphill climb.
I've seen many people say they were suicidal a long time and just kept going, but I wanted to know if anyone else was a little delusional about their mental state, prospects and future until they realized they weren't who they thought they were.
At one point in my early 20s, I remember coming to believe my entire apartment was infested with tiny gnats, because I was mistaking floating dust illuminated by an overhead light as tiny bugs. I called an exterminator, bought bug spray and couldn't sleep at night thinking about all the gnats all around me (that didn't exist).
It wasn't until nearly a year later I was able to admit to myself that those bugs just didn't exist. I was horrified and ashamed at how irrational I'd become. I was losing touch with reality. I really had to admit that I was seriously not mentally well and accept that. It was very tough. This was just one final straw at the end of years of experiences that made me realize that it just wasn't going to get better one day. This is just who I was.
I've seen many people say they were suicidal a long time and just kept going, but I wanted to know if anyone else was a little delusional about their mental state, prospects and future until they realized they weren't who they thought they were.
At one point in my early 20s, I remember coming to believe my entire apartment was infested with tiny gnats, because I was mistaking floating dust illuminated by an overhead light as tiny bugs. I called an exterminator, bought bug spray and couldn't sleep at night thinking about all the gnats all around me (that didn't exist).
It wasn't until nearly a year later I was able to admit to myself that those bugs just didn't exist. I was horrified and ashamed at how irrational I'd become. I was losing touch with reality. I really had to admit that I was seriously not mentally well and accept that. It was very tough. This was just one final straw at the end of years of experiences that made me realize that it just wasn't going to get better one day. This is just who I was.
