Story Slowly crawling to the inevitable end.

[LowLevelChimp]

I tried to leave the forum but I had to come back, where else can I be open.

I'm a former drunk who has always struggled with life, I'm clean and sober for the last seven and a bit years but I've never really recovered.

While I was drinking I committed a crime and that makes me a disgusting sub human, others tell me I've paid my dues and that I didn't hurt anyone other than myself, but they don't know how far down the mental health scale I was while I was drinking. I'll never forgive myself.

I've made multiple ctb attempts using many methods mostly pills with booze and it appears I'm not too good at that either as I'm still here.

My time is running out, I'm unemployable, I'm dragging my wife down with me now and I can leave her with a good life if I do the right thing, but I'm so afraid of failing yet again and burdening everyone even more, I'm so frightened of how my wife and family will feel if I'm finally successful.

I've been hiding out at college for the last 4 years but things are coming to an end there too, and if I'm honest I'm so tired of living, I'm exhausted and spent, I love the people in my life but I'm hurting them and dragging them down. In short I'm a drain on society.

This may be the only time I write as I have new materials for a better attempt and I feel it could be imminent for me. I thank anyone for taking the time for reading and wish everyone here all the peace and love in the world.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you have been through a lot and I cannot imagine how hard it must be. Life just seems to be endless suffering and misery with no relief. I know that it is hard to carry on when you are so tired. Best wishes.

 

[Againstthewind]

I hear you my friend, I am in a similar position to you with all that you mentioned, completely understand.

We are punishing ourselves, both with alcohol, drugs and the things we have done in the past and the 'mark' that his floating above our head. Judgment from others and the reputation that is ruined with the black mark against our name.
As much as I am in the ctb mindset (contradictory I know). I wanna say this. As much as people try to label us, we are NOT bad people, and we will not be judged by our past mistakes. Do we live in regret? Yes, but that shows that we have a conscience and a heart, and we are trying to change albeit, we weren't exactly bad people in the first place.
You have managed to stay clean for seven years so that shows you have strength. I hope you find peace soon my friend, PM if you ever need to talk. :)