Venting Sleeping with a knife in my hand

[delta2]

Every day so far has been trying to work up the courage to disembowel myself. I often just poke myself with it to feel the initial pain and it seems to stop me while also just seeing it as a lack of courage. It'd be so easy, but extremely painful. I firmly believe I'm a coward for this. Maybe I'm not hurting enough? I feel snobby waiting for the moment I can get my hands on a gun. Maybe I fear the knife for the same reason I fear drugs. I don't want to wait. I just want it to be over. I don't want to have a moment of regret just to know it's too late. Until then, it doesn't stop me from inspecting the blade just as I go to bed. It's always by my side. I think about every area I can stab and slice like it's a game. One thing I'm never sure of is if I should eat before doing it. I want people to know how much disgust I held towards myself when they see how much I've mangled myself

 

[J&L383]

You are venturing into a very classic method (seppuku) steeped in tradition and honor. But it has never been a "game." I can't speak for the details of the mechanics but I would highly recommend against this sort of thing. Do try to step back from the emotional aspects you might be feeling, and consider the consequences. For example, in tradition the person committing seppuku always has a "second" who will decapitate as soon as the slicing of the abdomen is completed. This is because the agony of dying from the self-inflicted abdominal wounds will be excruciating. I'm sorry your life has come to this point. Peace to you.