You're overwhelmed. It's funny how circumstances can change the way your body signals things to you. For example, when there little of anything to do you can wake in the morning feeling like you're full of excess energy and acheiving a nice full sleep is really challenging despite having tired yourself out previously. On the flip side, when there's an abudance of things to do and responsibilities/pressure whther self imposed or otherwise, you could literally sleep for hour upon hour after having done nothing for days. Logically the input - output ratio doesn't add up but your body and mind tell you otherwise. For some the solution is in breaking the chain by pushing through those heavy and hazy mornings/days. Oftrn trial by fire leaves you invigorated and relieved after taking on the challenge and burning through the other side. Even if there's still more to do tomorrow/in the future. It's weird... you sort of gain a bit of strength and perspective of what you're actually capable of. That doesn't cut it for everyone though because it's not all black and white. It's so frustrating when this isn't recognised by those around you that should really support you but actually make things worse by telling throwing simple platitudes at you and perhaps even incorrectly judging you as lazy or even feeble. Obviously you have to ask yourself the honest question as to whether you are lazy or feeble and that's a challenge in itself but assuming that's not the case then the world just feels so unfair. Sleep is important and undervalued in our system of doing things these days. 7-8hrs is a luxury in the eyes of employers etc. So imho you should sleep as much as you need but I would say be mindful of avoiding falling into a spiral and not attempting to break the chain. As long as you make efforts to do so you can feel safe in the knowledge that you're justified in the way you feel. As for finding support in such circumstances I don't really know who's best to turn to as my experience has caused me to think that there are few people inclined to extend theirselves out of their own bubble to venture into your shoes and understand in a way that gives them a good base to work from and help in any meaningful or targeted way. Including in professions where people are paid to do so. Pretty fucking bleak really. There are good people out there. Finding them is a bit of a dice roll every time you try. I'm actually not sure why I'm writing all this. I think I'm just trying to say I think I get it. Not sure that's much use to you but I would personally give quite a lot to be fully understood in my own shit so hopefully I can provide a little catharsis to you at least.
As for advice, if you want it I think maybe don't be so hard on yourself if you fail things. Healthy self criticism does provide results and I can say that with experience but a balance does need to be found. Try to manage your expectations and work load in a way that isn't overwhelming and if you can talk with your tutors or whatever and tell them you're struggling with the amount of studying maybe you can find a friendly shoulder. I think my most positive experiences with people may have been with people in those types of roles as they often have a certain amount of personal experience and compassion resulting from it. Of course people are people and they're not all good as a result but that field seems to have a larger amount of decent sorts than I've experienced in the health services of late. Its always going to be a dice roll but its worth it cos you have nothing to lose by confiding in them.
Also, don't believe everyone that tells you they don't believe in living past a young age. Some people talk that way very frivolously without regard for the actuallity of it. People don't value the words they throw about and the impact they have on those of us that take them at their word. When you're honest and true. Someone that speaks from the heart. It's easy to assume that others do so too. They don't! I don't mean to patronise. I'm sure yoy're far from stupid. It's just an easy trap to fall into as we judge others by what we know of ourselves. That's why some people are so untrusting of others. Because they themselves can't be trusted. But that's a whole other thing. I should probably stop typing lol.
Hope you find some reprieve somehow. If that's what you want.
