Venting sickness and loneliness. how do i keep going?

[alienoforces]

i'm 19, living on my own while managing several chronic pain disorders and other illnesses. it's hard, and it's scary, and i don't know why i thought i would be able to do this. it's so devastatingly lonely here, i dont even know what to do with myself sometimes. there are some days where the pain isn't so bad, where the nausea subsides and i think "man, maybe everything really will be okay". but then i'm sick again. i get sick again and then realize that i will probably always be sick. i will always be miserable, and sad, and lonely. i've tried meeting people, i'm still trying. i'm doing everything possible to make some type of connection, anything with anyone. i'm tired of talking stages, i'm tired of losing people and i'm tired of hurting. every night without fail i sit here in my room with nothing but me and my thoughts and the agonizing pain i have to live with nearly every day. I'm trying so hard to make it and to be successful on my own as an adult. i'm trying so hard to prove that i can do this. to who? i'm not sure. maybe it's my parents, maybe it's the people who have left me previously. maybe it's myself. as much as i wish i could be normal and healthy and successful, i know that a life like that is out of my reach and always will be. I'm sick, and that will never change. no matter what i do. and at this rate it feels like i've tried everything. i miss my mom, and i'm starting to think that maybe i should just give up and give in to the idea that i need to go back home. i can't do this on my own, and i'm only getting sicker by the day. i won't be able to do this much longer, especially at the rate my body seems to be declining. i feel so isolated. i can barely work, i can't even eat, and i have nobody to tell. i have to sleep in my bed with nothing but me and the silence that fills my bedroom, and it's driving me fucking crazy. I've spent my life being there and listening to others. for once i wish someone could hear me, too. i've held the people i love, but there is nobody here to hold me in return. i wish i could just succumb to whatever the fuck is going on in my body and get it over with.