Venting Sick and sick of life

[Stick]

I'm sick right now and I'm not getting better. I just want the doctor to give me some fucking medicine or something. I've only been eating like a meal or two a day for like two weeks now because I'm just too nauseous and I feel so fucking tired and my head hurts so fucking bad.
It's not like I'm sitting in bed just loathing in pain or something, I mean it could be worse but it's another new thing to deal with when I can't fully deal with everything else in my life already.
I can barely focus on my schoolwork because I can't maintain my train of thought for too long right now. And my family keeps making me hang out with them and spend time with them which normally would be nice but I don't have the energy right now! I mean I post on here and browse the web and stuff but that's kinda mindless. It doesn't take as much focus as holding a real conversation does or writing an essay does.
I'm so sick of being sick. This isn't the only thing that's been bothering me but it feels like the final straw. I've been so desperate for the energy to just do something or just feel something that for the past few days I've been in a really irritable mood. I always get super anxious when I'm sick because my productivity goes down.

Spoiler: TW: self-harm

Last night I "cut" myself for the first time in almost a year because i just want to feel better. I put cut in quotes because honestly I didn't even draw blood; my pain tolerance is so low. I'm just desperate right now, you know?

The worst part is that I can't even use this as leverage to overcome my survival instinct. I don't think I have the mental energy right now to have a panic attack and call an ambulance or make too much noise and alert my family, but a lot of my symptoms are stomach related and if I can't keep food down how the hell am I supposed to keep SN down? I guess that's a good thing though, I need to stick around till October-ish anyways.
Hopefully I can at least get meto out of this. I do have promethazine but hopefully the eating thing is worrying to the doctor and they give me something stronger.
Sorry if this seems angsty

 

[mapletree]

Have you been able to see a doc to rule out medical problems? Some of the symptoms you describe could definitely be psychological, but they could also be something like an autoimmune disorder or god knows what biological cause.

(Not sure if you're just talking about being sick or if you've been diagnosed with something, I only mention it because I know people who have had GI issues, vitamin deficiency, and autoimmune stuff that presented initially as severe psychiatric issues)

 

[Stick]

Have you been able to see a doc to rule out medical problems? Some of the symptoms you describe could definitely be psychological, but they could also be something like an autoimmune disorder or god knows what biological cause.

Sorry, I guess I should have clarified. I'm pretty sure this is a medical thing and I'm going to head to the doctors soon, I've just been putting it off for a while. Thanks for asking.

 

[Ghost2211]

Good to hear you'll see a doctor soon. So fatigue, headache, lack of appetite, and nausea mostly? Any fever or breathing issues?

 

[BitterlyAlive]

I'm sorry things are so bad right now. It must be very painful to cause you to self harm again. I really hope you get some help and answers soon.

 

[Stick]

Good to hear you'll see a doctor soon. So fatigue, headache, lack of appetite, and nausea mostly? Any fever or breathing issues?

I'm sorry things are so bad right now. It must be very painful to cause you to self harm again. I really hope you get some help and answers soon.

Thank you both! I'm having a couple other symptoms. I don't think I have a fever, but I've been having hot flashes. My stomach also hurts really bad when I eat. I do have some breathing issues but I have really bad allergies so I always have issues. I'm pretty sure it isn't COVID or anything. In any case the doctor should figure it out it just sucks in the meantime. Sorry if this thread is kinda tmi

 

[Ghost2211]

Thank you both! I'm having a couple other symptoms. I don't think I have a fever, but I've been having hot flashes. My stomach also hurts really bad when I eat. I do have some breathing issues but I have really bad allergies so I always have issues. I'm pretty sure it isn't COVID or anything. In any case the doctor should figure it out it just sucks in the meantime. Sorry if this thread is kinda tmi

Covid and viral or bacterial infection are where my mind went. If you ever have new onset severe headaches or severe abdominal pain you should definitely be seen right away. Hot flashes are typically hormonal. Sorry if I am a bit upfront about such things. Let me know if I making you uncomfortable.

 

[nitroautnz]

Damn that terrible thing to have if its push you to hurt yourself, i really hope the doctor find a solution for you
Is that the main reason you want to ctb ?

 

[Stick]

Covid and viral or bacterial infection are where my mind went. If you ever have new onset severe headaches or severe abdominal pain you should definitely be seen right away. Hot flashes are typically hormonal. Sorry if I am a bit upfront about such things. Let me know if I making you uncomfortable.

No, you are okay! I know that your a mom so i'm just getting maternal vibes from your question lol. It's not making me uncomfortable at all.

Damn that terrible thing to have if its push you to hurt yourself, i really hope the doctor find a solution for you
Is that the main reason you want to ctb ?

Haha no, I have a lot more permanent problems, I just don't talk about them too much. Getting sick is just kind of a final straw because the only thing I've really been consistently proud of and stable with is my ability to keep moving and be productive, so I'm able to lose myself in my studies and doing things for my family and whatnot. Being sick means I can't really default to that so my mind is resorting to other methods I guess.
Honestly, I don't think I realized it when I made this thread since I was just venting, but I think being sick right now is bothering me so much because it's making me feel kinda powerless since I can't do anything to improve it yet.

 

[nitroautnz]

No, you are okay! I know that your a mom so i'm just getting maternal vibes from your question lol. It's not making me uncomfortable at all.

Haha no, I have a lot more permanent problems, I just don't talk about them too much. Getting sick is just kind of a final straw because the only thing I've really been consistently proud of and stable with is my ability to keep moving and be productive, so I'm able to lose myself in my studies and doing things for my family and whatnot. Being sick means I can't really default to that so my mind is resorting to other methods I guess.
Honestly, I don't think I realized it when I made this thread since I was just venting, but I think being sick right now is bothering me so much because it's making me feel kinda powerless since I can't do anything to improve it yet.

Fair enough, i was curious because if the reason you wanted to ctb could have been fix it will be sad even if i respect it.
This forum is here for that, better come here and vent and regret a post, instead of doing something IRL that you could really regret when you calm down

 

[Stick]

Fair enough, i was curious because if the reason you wanted to ctb could have been fix it will be sad even if i respect it.
This forum is here for that, better come here and vent and regret a post, instead of doing something IRL that you could really regret when you calm down

And thank you for that! I see how I might have come across that way. This place is pro-choice not pro-death so it's good that you did a check up like that. Even if it's kind of a dumb post, venting does make me feel a lot better and I'm glad that this forum recognizes that and is supportive. Thank you

 

[nitroautnz]

And thank you for that! I see how I might have come across that way. This place is pro-choice not pro-death so it's good that you did a check up like that. Even if it's kind of a dumb post, venting does make me feel a lot better and I'm glad that this forum recognizes that and is supportive. Thank you

I truly don't think its a dumb post . You needed to vent and wanted some support, and that worked.