Venting SI kicking in.. how to overcome?

[silence ends]

My plan is to do SN tonight. Been fasting for 20hrs now. Meto's, benzos, propranolol and painkillers ready too.
I got nothing to live for, mental illnesses and neuro shit that cant be solved or even relieved.
No social skills or social life not even a little bit.
I've wasted all savings, everything. Gave up sport and music hobbies years ago, im in bad shape physically and mentally. Lately i've destroyded my aparment and will not even be able to pay next month's rent.

35 years of this.. surviving, trying, coping. Trying to improve, just to realize eventually i cant.
Dreaming. Of different me, different life. Something that aint realistic.
I dont want to live like this.
I should die and have all the reason to think like that. Now becouse of this money situation i even have to die.

I have to ctb.
Still, part of me says i dont want to die. Part of me pops up hoping 'everything can get solved', waits for somekind of miracle etc. Unrealistic bullshit.
Logically i know there's no hope. Even if wanted to postpone ctb further i cant get money to pay rent and bills and next weeks will be pure hell being alive.

How can i shut the sound of life from my head? Or is it always that one just have to do it regardless the despiting voice in head?
I think this is the SI and im quite sure it gonna get stronger the closer i get to doing it.

Sorry of my bad english, it's not my native language.

 

[dggtscccvfd]

My plan is to do SN tonight. Been fasting for 20hrs now. Meto's, benzos, propranolol and painkillers ready too.
I got nothing to live for, mental illnesses and neuro shit that cant be solved or even relieved.
No social skills or social life not even a little bit.
I've wasted all savings, everything. Gave up sport and music hobbies years ago, im in bad shape physically and mentally. Lately i've destroyded my aparment and will not even be able to pay next month's rent.

35 years of this.. surviving, trying, coping. Trying to improve, just to realize eventually i cant.
Dreaming. Of different me, different life. Something that aint realistic.
I dont want to live like this.
I should die and have all the reason to think like that. Now becouse of this money situation i even have to die.

I have to ctb.
Still, part of me says i dont want to die. Part of me pops up hoping 'everything can get solved', waits for somekind of miracle etc. Unrealistic bullshit.
Logically i know there's no hope. Even if wanted to postpone ctb further i cant get money to pay rent and bills and next weeks will be pure hell being alive.

How can i shut the sound of life from my head? Or is it always that one just have to do it regardless the despiting voice in head?
I think this is the SI and im quite sure it gonna get stronger the closer i get to doing it.

Sorry of my bad english, it's not my native language.

The situation you're in sounds terrible. I'm also planning to go by SN. In my case I'm planning to overcome the dreaded SI by pretending the poison drink is just water and tricking myself into drinking it.

 

[Aprilfarewell4]

The voices can't physically stop you or make you do anything. There may be a voice there, but I guess the key for someone is to just do it anyway. You're not alone I have severe problems too that can't be cured and I'm going to kill myself also.

 

[silence ends]

Took some benzo to possibly calm myself down before the process

 

[silence ends]

Benzo mellows.. almost too much. Gonna fech scale now, forgot it into car. Then hopefully in next hour ill take 3xmeto and get ready to drink the nitrite

 

[Aprilfarewell4]

Benzo mellows.. almost too much. Gonna fech scale now, forgot it into car. Then hopefully in next hour ill take 3xmeto and get ready to drink the nitrite

Be careful

 

[halleyscomet]

I don't think SI is something that you overcome, you just kind of have to push through it I suppose. It is our bodies natural instincts after all.

I hope whatever you do you find the peace you're searching for.

 

[silence ends]

Hmm. Should i wait for tommorrow, i get some money.. i might aswell use them all since cant pay bills anyway. Maybe i go and get 2x80mg oxy to have with SN.. thinking. Or it would maybe just boost SI so dunno. Getting sleepy from benzos i'd just want to sleep (and optimally never wake up).
Feched the scale, still not opened SN package (from IC) but with the bag its 57grams so i wil be able to do 2x25g drinks.

 

[Unknown21]

Hmm. Should i wait for tommorrow, i get some money.. i might aswell use them all since cant pay bills anyway. Maybe i go and get 2x80mg oxy to have with SN.. thinking. Or it would maybe just boost SI so dunno. Getting sleepy from benzos i'd just want to sleep (and optimally never wake up).
Feched the scale, still not opened SN package (from IC) but with the bag its 57grams so i wil be able to do 2x25g drinks.

Oxycodone is an opioid and it will raise the risk of vommitng ig, i wish u to achieve what u looking for, good luck.

 

[silence ends]

Oxycodone is an opioid and it will raise the risk of vommitng ig, i wish u to achieve what u looking for, good luck.

Yeah, maybe i skip oxyco. Would admister it intravenously but im afraid the feel good effect from that makes SI even stronger.

Thank you, blessings.

 

[silence ends]

Too much benzo, i passed out. I'll give myself few more days to process this, ended fast today after 40hrs.

My consciousness is getting more and more sure about this every moment now, i understand i cant fully shut down SI never but i can get reason to go trough it stronger.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

Si is hard to overcome

 

[silence ends]

Si is hard to overcome

Yeah.
In the end getting down from the edge is just one step, like walking in the streets.
Deep inside i know the voice of hope, the one that doesnt want to let go wont ever shut down.
I've took the last step few times in the past, in form of CO poisoning and opiate overdoses. But didnt succeed and eventually woke up back to this misery every time.
Now with SN im 95% sure i will succeed with it, knowledge of that makes SI stronger too.
Its just instict, not voice of reason.
Its almost as automatical and as strong as our act of breathing - it is impossible to stop breathing with willpower. (If u arent somekind of super yogi or smthg like that)

 

[jokster18]

Is this chat still active

 

[kudaphillips]

Still alive? I'm in similar boat

 

[silence ends]

Still alive? I'm in similar boat

Yes. Existing getting really hard.
Head more and morre messed up every day.
I'll have to go trough with it soon.
Done alot of fasting anyways now, currently 48+ hrs