SI, 'it will get better' and cognitive dissonance.

[Ta555]

One of my main fears about CTB, besides failing, is the thought that if I had just waited one more day, one more week, I would've turned the corner and that CTB was such a tragedy.
Pro-lifers always like to tell you that things will get better. Go on any platform like quora or Reddit and any time anyone expresses their problems everyone just spouts the 'it will get better' platitudes. And worse when they say 'hey I was in the same boat as you but then X y z happened and now I'm so much better.' and while it's true that many of life's problems can be fixed it is not true that they can all be fixed.
And so you read this or hear this from your loved ones and at first it's comforting and you hope. And you tell yourself, yes it's going to get better. But then a month passes, and two months and three months, six months a year...two years, maybe for some of you it's been even longer and it's not better. And you get this uncomfortable cognitive dissonance coz you're told it's going to get better but you're not getting better. But this idea of it's going to get better is stuck in your head even though you can clearly see things aren't getting better. And then CTB becomes scary because you're constantly second guessing, but what if it gets better tomorrow or in a couple of days? And you go on like this for months or years and can't CTB because what if your life will suddenly get better?
I was thinking about this today. When I think that thjngs aren't going to get better and I'm not going to be missing out on an amazing life my SI goes down. Not disappears but there's a definite dip. If I think oh no! What if I CTB and it turns out things were just about to get better, I'll miss out on all this good stuff!! Then my SI shoots up.
And don't get me started on the 'Well you don't know if it will get better or not...why do you assume it won't? It very well could so you should keep going.'....coz that's just an even bigger mindfuck.
Just thinking out loud here...

 

[meetapple]

This is tough. I feel like if there is even a chance that you can better even infinitesimally that I shouldn't CTB. It comes down to the finality of death. It is irreversible. You might have to write down the ways your life can get better. Then you can evaluate each one for its efficacy. Even if you don't CTB you will have a list of ways to improve your life.

 

[Ta555]

This is tough. I feel like if there is even a chance that you can better even infinitesimally that I shouldn't CTB. It comes down to the finality of death. It is irreversible. You might have to write down the ways your life can get better. Then you can evaluate each one for its efficacy. Even if you don't CTB you will have a list of ways to improve your life.

I don't. I can't really do anything. I have medical issues that doctors can't help me with. They just say to wait. But it's a lot of suffering and I don't know how long I can wait. They can't even tell me if it will go away. I have no external problems like relationships or work. If it wasn't for my health my life would be amazing.

 

[ket]

it's impossible to tell, i had something really positive happen to me that changed the course of my life, but it came out of nowhere and i could have never have predicted it. i'm still depressed with sn in my closet, so though things aren't exactly close going "well," it's closer than it was.

i suppose if you stay alive long enough, things sometimes happen to you. whether it's worth all the suffering at the end of the day i cannot tell you.

 

[Ta555]

it's impossible to tell, i had something really positive happen to me that changed the course of my life, but it came out of nowhere and i could have never have predicted it. i'm still depressed with sn in my closet, so though things aren't exactly close going "well," it's closer than it was.

i suppose if you stay alive long enough, things sometimes happen to you. whether it's worth all the suffering at the end of the day i cannot tell you.

Yeah that's what I mean. No one can tell you if all the suffering will be worth it! And I think it's different depending on your situation. Mine is medical so it's easier to find out if things will get better or not. If someone is lonely, or having work issues or something of that nature that's a lot more unpredictable and also more chance of actually being able to be fixed.

 

[Snake of Eden]

If someone is lonely, or having work issues or something of that nature that's a lot more unpredictable and also more chance of actually being able to be fixed.

not really. I am in situation where i know for a fact nothing can help my lonliness or my jobless circumstance. And I am not being cynical. I also have health problems that I know are not going to be cured or helped with. I dont believe in anyway shape or form that life can get better for me because it is literally impossible. It has been like this for so long yet here I am, more certain than ever that it can never get better. I am holding on because I am afraid of death and its finality. I dont really know what else to do. It is the worst feeling in the world to know you may have to live the rest of your natural life span sick, destitute and alone. I believe i will draw the line somewhere eventually to ctb but for the time being I am trying my best to live as unhealthy as possible so I can get terminal disease that finishes me so I dont have to take matters in my own hands

 

[Ta555]

not really. I am in situation where i know for a fact nothing can help my lonliness or my jobless circumstance. And I am not being cynical. I also have health problems that I know are not going to be cured or helped with. I dont believe in anyway shape or form that life can get better for me because it is literally impossible. It has been like this for so long yet here I am, more certain than ever that it can never get better. I am holding on because I am afraid of death and its finality. I dont really know what else to do. It is the worst feeling in the world to know you may have to live the rest of your natural life span sick, destitute and alone. I believe i will draw the line somewhere eventually to ctb but for the time being I am trying my best to live as unhealthy as possible so I can get terminal disease that finishes me so I dont have to take matters in my own hands

When there's health issues as well that fucks all the shit up. I'm sorry you're going through all this, and especially sorry for the health issues.

 

[just_wanna_die]

I can relate to what you're saying @Ta555. I can only speak for myself and from my experiences and perspective.

So when I was 26, I wanted to end it all. But like an idiot, I held on to hope. I thought I'm going through a terrible time right now, but "it will get better".

I'm 52 now and my biggest regret is that I didn't cbt 26 years ago.

I ask myself:
*Am I any happier today than I was 26 years ago? Answer: no!
*Am I any healthier now than 26 years ago? No.
*Am I any younger now than I was 26 years ago? Of course not.
*Am I any richer now than 26 years ago? No.
*Am I (or the world) freer now than 26 years ago? No.
*Are any of my loved ones any better off now than 26 years ago? No.

I can ask myself these same questions from a future perspective:

Will I be any happier/healthier/younger/richer/freer/and my loved ones be better off 26 years from now (in the year 2047) when I am 78?

Again, the most likely and obvious answer will still be no.

If I had the courage to have died 26 years ago, I would have missed out on a lot of intermediary headaches and heartaches. But my experiences have shown me that it doesn't get better. It actually gets worse.

Thankfully, today I have the knowledge, substances (N, SN & SA), and courage to cbt soon now that my mother is likely in her final days or weeks bedridden in a nursing home. After I am gone, nothing will matter to me. I will be at peace, permanently unconscious.

The Epicurean epitaph: Non fui, fui, non sum, non curo = "I was not; I was; I am not; I do not care".

Life was not a valuable gift, but death was.
Life was a fever-dream made up of joys embittered by sorrows, pleasure poisoned by pain;
a dream that was a nightmare-confusion of spasmodic and fleeting delights, ecstasies,
exultations, happinesses, interspersed with long-drawn miseries, griefs, perils, horrors,
disappointments, defeats, humiliations, and despairs -- the heaviest curse devisable by
divine ingenuity; but death was sweet, death was gentle, death was kind; death healed the
bruised spirit and the broken heart, and gave them rest and forgetfulness; death was man's
best friend; when man could endure life no longer, death came and set him free.

~Letters from the Earth, Mark Twain (1909)

 

[wanttogetonthebus]

not really. I am in situation where i know for a fact nothing can help my lonliness or my jobless circumstance. And I am not being cynical. I also have health problems that I know are not going to be cured or helped with. I dont believe in anyway shape or form that life can get better for me because it is literally impossible. It has been like this for so long yet here I am, more certain than ever that it can never get better. I am holding on because I am afraid of death and its finality. I dont really know what else to do. It is the worst feeling in the world to know you may have to live the rest of your natural life span sick, destitute and alone. I believe i will draw the line somewhere eventually to ctb but for the time being I am trying my best to live as unhealthy as possible so I can get terminal disease that finishes me so I dont have to take matters in my own hands

I'm so sorry you have to live like that We CTB because we want to stop suffering, not because it makes us better and I think many of us just want to get better (even though it's simply not possible for some ). I understand perfectly where you are coming from and I wish we had other options like being put in a medically induced coma until we die naturally in case there ends up being a cure for our diseases. That way, we can still have hope, but we don't have to wait around and suffer in the meantime.

 

[InezSerrano]

One of my main fears about CTB, besides failing, is the thought that if I had just waited one more day, one more week, I would've turned the corner and that CTB was such a tragedy.
Pro-lifers always like to tell you that things will get better. Go on any platform like quora or Reddit and any time anyone expresses their problems everyone just spouts the 'it will get better' platitudes. And worse when they say 'hey I was in the same boat as you but then X y z happened and now I'm so much better.' and while it's true that many of life's problems can be fixed it is not true that they can all be fixed.
And so you read this or hear this from your loved ones and at first it's comforting and you hope. And you tell yourself, yes it's going to get better. But then a month passes, and two months and three months, six months a year...two years, maybe for some of you it's been even longer and it's not better. And you get this uncomfortable cognitive dissonance coz you're told it's going to get better but you're not getting better. But this idea of it's going to get better is stuck in your head even though you can clearly see things aren't getting better. And then CTB becomes scary because you're constantly second guessing, but what if it gets better tomorrow or in a couple of days? And you go on like this for months or years and can't CTB because what if your life will suddenly get better?
I was thinking about this today. When I think that thjngs aren't going to get better and I'm not going to be missing out on an amazing life my SI goes down. Not disappears but there's a definite dip. If I think oh no! What if I CTB and it turns out things were just about to get better, I'll miss out on all this good stuff!! Then my SI shoots up.
And don't get me started on the 'Well you don't know if it will get better or not...why do you assume it won't? It very well could so you should keep going.'....coz that's just an even bigger mindfuck.
Just thinking out loud here...

I've been suicidal since middle school (graduated high school a few years ago). I still think "surely it will get better!"

 

[Ta555]

I'm so sorry you have to live like that We CTB because we want to stop suffering, not because it makes us better and I think many of us just want to get better (even though it's simply not possible for some ). I understand perfectly where you are coming from and I wish we had other options like being put in a medically induced coma until we die naturally in case there ends up being a cure for our diseases. That way, we can still have hope, but we don't have to wait around and suffer in the meantime.

Yep...it sucks. I read on another thread that you have post Covid issues if I'm not mistaken? I didn't have covid and my problems started before Covid was even a thing but it's very similar to long covid so I think we are in the same boat my friend.

 

[FuneralCry]

Being told 'it gets better' is just a platitude and is toxic positivity as there is no evidence to support that claim. Having hope is painful as it can lead to more suffering when our delusional beliefs are shattered and we have to confront the harsh reality of this life. Personally, for me I see being dead as being objectively better than any kind of life, as nothing can hurt me once I am dead, when I am alive there is potential for such extreme suffering. I'm sorry you have to deal with health problems. Life is so cruel. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.