SI is my mental disease and escapism

[lkjhgfdsa1]

I keep deluding myself— trying to find ways to deal with my problems, writing down plans on how to overcome them, and try to move on but… I think it's mental SI. It's escapism.

Deep down in my heart, I know my issues cannot be fixed. It's impossible. Even if I won the lottery or had all the time in the world, I would not be able to fix my issues.

There is no escape anymore. I thought SI is just a physical reaction of your body, but I found out it can also overtake your mental state completely. I need to stop these daydreams of another life, or better life that I wished for myself, and face the reality. I do not want to face reality. My reality is my nightmare.

My old self has already died. And now all is left is my daydream.

 

[Traveller12724]

I get it, 11 years ago I failed, I attempted ctb and SI kicked in and I convinced myself I could turn my life for the better. But I realized that I had been a coward, I looked into the eyes of death and got scared, that feeling of cowardice haunted me for a long time, but then two years ago, I did ayahuasca in a psychedelic retreat, in my trip I felt what dying might feel like, and it didn't feel that bad, it felt peaceful, and I felt connected to everything. Now I am not scared to die but I am hoping when the day comes towards the end of this year, that I won't be a coward again, I hope I will desperate enough.

 

[lkjhgfdsa1]

I get it, 11 years ago I failed, I attempted ctb and SI kicked in and I convinced myself I could turn my life for the better. But I realized that I had been a coward, I looked into the eyes of death and got scared, that feeling of cowardice haunted me for a long time, but then two years ago, I did ayahuasca in a psychedelic retreat, in my trip I felt what dying might feel like, and it didn't feel that bad, it felt peaceful, and I felt connected to everything. Now I am not scared to die but I am hoping when the day comes towards the end of this year, that I won't be a coward again, I hope I will desperate enough.

I feel this. I am a coward too.
I also want to change my life around, I am trying ... but today my feelings are so down again.
I wish I did not have to go through this

 

[dunedindwell]

I get it, 11 years ago I failed, I attempted ctb and SI kicked in and I convinced myself I could turn my life for the better. But I realized that I had been a coward, I looked into the eyes of death and got scared, that feeling of cowardice haunted me for a long time, but then two years ago, I did ayahuasca in a psychedelic retreat, in my trip I felt what dying might feel like, and it didn't feel that bad, it felt peaceful, and I felt connected to everything. Now I am not scared to die but I am hoping when the day comes towards the end of this year, that I won't be a coward again, I hope I will desperate enough.

Ayahuasca didn't set you on a different path? I'm considering doing it, with some hope it might force a different perspective.

 

[Traveller12724]

Ayahuasca didn't set you on a different path? I'm considering doing it, with some hope it might force a different perspective.

It helped me process a lot of trauma overnight, it was like 3 years of therapy condensed in a single night, and the 2 weeks after doing it were probably the best I have ever felt, I felt so calm to an almost concerning extent. If you have a chance to do it, you should. The experience is life-changing for sure as you get to understand what it's like to transcend this life in a way. If you do it, I would strongly and I mean strongly advise fasting for 24 to 26hrs before taking it so that your experience isn't interrupted with the urge to purge, cause trust me any food or drink in your digestive system within 24hrs will cause you to purge and feel sick during your experience.

The first night I came into the retreat fasted for 25hrs and had an amazing night on it while others felt sick and purged, the second day unfortunately I got cocky and thought I could eat a light breakfast consisting of a short side of potatoes and cabbage and juice, and that night my experience was horrible because I kept purging and feeling sick and I hated it, so whatever they tell you, just avoid food and the experience will be amazing cause I loved my first night.

 

[dunedindwell]

It helped me process a lot of trauma overnight, it was like 3 years of therapy condensed in a single night, and the 2 weeks after doing it were probably the best I have ever felt, I felt so calm to an almost concerning extent. If you have a chance to do it, you should. The experience is life-changing for sure as you get to understand what it's like to transcend this life in a way. If you do it, I would strongly and I mean strongly advise fasting for 24 to 26hrs before taking it so that your experience isn't interrupted with the urge to purge, cause trust me any food or drink in your digestive system within 24hrs will cause you to purge and feel sick during your experience.

The first night I came into the retreat fasted for 25hrs and had an amazing night on it while others felt sick and purged, the second day unfortunately I got cocky and thought I could eat a light breakfast consisting of a short side of potatoes and cabbage and juice, and that night my experience was horrible because I kept purging and feeling sick and I hated it, so whatever they tell you, just avoid food and the experience will be amazing cause I loved my first night.

Oh true, nice. Is there a place you'd recommend? I'm in Chile at the moment and heading to Peru soon.
A

It helped me process a lot of trauma overnight, it was like 3 years of therapy condensed in a single night, and the 2 weeks after doing it were probably the best I have ever felt, I felt so calm to an almost concerning extent. If you have a chance to do it, you should. The experience is life-changing for sure as you get to understand what it's like to transcend this life in a way. If you do it, I would strongly and I mean strongly advise fasting for 24 to 26hrs before taking it so that your experience isn't interrupted with the urge to purge, cause trust me any food or drink in your digestive system within 24hrs will cause you to purge and feel sick during your experience.

The first night I came into the retreat fasted for 25hrs and had an amazing night on it while others felt sick and purged, the second day unfortunately I got cocky and thought I could eat a light breakfast consisting of a short side of potatoes and cabbage and juice, and that night my experience was horrible because I kept purging and feeling sick and I hated it, so whatever they tell you, just avoid food and the experience will be amazing cause I loved my first night.

But this experience didn't shift things long term? For me, I'm hoping to break lifelong behavioural/ mood/ physiological depressive patterns, something I've been unable to do with conventional therapy. Maybe you similar experience/ expectations before trying it?

I've have some experience with recreational drug use, and I worry that maybe idealise ayuhuasca as a silver bullet. So I'm intrigued how it can offer some relief but still not be enough for fundamental resilience

 

[Traveller12724]

Oh I did it in the US, it was organized by someone who had trained in forests in South America and knew everything