Venting shouldve killed myself before tuition costs

[apearl]

This year of college for me isn't covered by scholarships, and god I just feel so guilty now. The money I'm paying with is my own money but if I killed myself before paying my family couldve gotten a nice vacation or something.

I can't help but think my cowardice with death/continuation of being alive is just burdening the ones I love. If I am going to ctb anyway why am I prolonging it to the point my loved ones might be losing out on money. That doesn't even include other bills this year that they have paid for me that are my fault. God I feel so guilty for being alive. Been having trouble eating cause of all this guilt, I feel so nauseous all the time.

:(

 

[LaVieEnRose]

There's no guarantee you will ever kill yourself no matter how bad you feel (ask me how I know). Therefore you should prioritize your education (again ask me).

Your family is paying these expenses because they care about you and expect it will lead to your being able to provide for yourself, which it presumably will provided you continue to work on your education.

You are NOT worth less than a trip to Tahiti or whatever.

 

[shiba]

You could extend that logic to every meal they've ever given you. It's not your fault and nobody ever asked to be born.

 

[-Link-]

God I feel so guilty for being alive.

This is a common sentiment among the suicidal, but seldom have I ever seen it demonstrated as strongly as you have in this post.

Given the choice between a vacation and their child's continued life, it's very safe to assume your parents would rather you keep at it.

If they love you enough that it makes you worry about them to a point where you're feeling this extraordinary guilt, then I can only imagine they themselves would be overwhelmed with grief and guilt if they ever lost you to suicide at all, let alone if they found out you were motivated in part to financially benefit them.

Been having trouble eating cause of all this guilt, I feel so nauseous all the time.

In coping with feelings of guilt, you'd want to look at whether your guilt is actually justified.

Justified guilt is when you do something that harms another person. This would usually be something (intentional or mistake) that is within your control and that goes against your core values or morals.

Unjustified guilt usually stems from unrealistic external pressures outside your control, or from deep-rooted self-loathing, or from feeling as if you're responsible for other people's emotions. It is disproportionate to any harm done, if any actual harm has been done at all.

You're pursuing an education despite living with the symptoms of persistent mental illness -- presumably severe mental illness at that. This fact alone suggests that you're doing a lot more than what any reasonable person could ever expect of you, and that "if" anyone views you as a "burden", that would be on them -- not you. (But I'd bet everything I have that your parents don't view you this way.)

 

[derpyderpins]

There's no guarantee you will ever kill yourself no matter how bad you feel (ask me how I know).

100% do not believe yourself when setting dates or deadlines. Maintain so your misery is lessened should you still be alive.