i just generally don't think my existence is very worth it for others.
Just focusing on this because it stood out to me.
Why does it matter so much to you? I would look into that.
I think the main thing is to make it worth for yourself first. If you don't enjoy your own existence, I see problems arise with developing yourself and positively impacting others in the process.
Sure, quality of life can be tied to providing for others. But wanting that while still being at the beginning of your life development is a bit much to ask. Also often just being there for others can be enough and make it worth to them to be in your life.
But I suspect that often, especially around this forum, maybe we put too much focus on what we think others think of us. Different reasons, usually stemming from suffering. Not even talking about the fact that we can be wrong about other people's thoughts and feelings about us so very often, especially when we're in a dark place mentally already. I'm not denying the very profound effect that other people's actions can have on us. But we can be wrong aswell and it can become a horrible self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm an example of that and I certainly know what I'm talking about in this regard. So I would recommend to not assume you're worthless to others unless you can be very very sure, and that being after having itentified the causes and having tried to remedy them first for a reasonable amount of time.
The anhedonia, lack of motivation, suicidal ideation and related things you describe could be a depression. Feeling like that despite your life being objectively "good" is neither invalid nor nonsensical. It could be that some things in your life made you feel that way but you don't recognize them yet. Maybe they aren't even there anymore, but are in the past, which doesn't mean they can't still affect you. Or sometimes it could be more "biological", and less "situational". What made me suspicious is your sister apparently having ideations aswell, if I read that right. Something is going on here. Could be circumstances, family, genetics, many possibilities, I couldn't know. You can try to find out. But I have to repeat it, to me it's an indicator that something possibly systemic could be at play here.
Maybe it's worth to look into that and try to find ways to get out of it before making that final decision. Sometimes those things can be overcome. Sometimes they can't.
I'm not trying to invalidate your thoughts and feelings because of your age. I'm trying to broaden your awareness to the fact that there could be more options worth considering. Could it be worth it? You have to answer that for yourself, but considering the topic of your thread, I suspect the answer could maybe be yes.
Also I think that you probably have quite a lot to offer to other people.
Have you realized how many people enjoyed your music on youtube? A person who can create such music is probably kind, sensitive, thoughtful. Having seen your posts in other threads, that checks out so far. Those are, to me, and certainly many other people, good qualities, and things I would want in persons that are in my life. You may or may not have done terrible things, but you seem to be able to learn from that, which is crucial.
I'm not really familiar with the situation of trans people, especially not in your country and state, but having moved to another country myself years ago, that's a possibility I would also consider if it came to the worst.
You will certainly do whatever you decide is right, and I wish for you and have confidence that it will be a decision you didn't make lightly or on a whim.
Also thank you for sharing your music. I found it very enjoyable and touching. I'm not able to give any technical feedback like others here have done, since I'm not knowledgeable in this at all. Even though I used to play the piano myself for 10 years, I also - mostly - hated doing it and stopped once I realized that I had the power to do so. Nonetheless, that doesn't prevent me from enjoying it when others do it, and I remember how good it can feel (rare for me but still). So that's definitely something I would advise you to keep doing. Your music, that is. Good for you, good for others.
Best wishes to you.
