Discussion Should I tell them?

[TiredBuddhist]

I've been reading the sub for a while but only recently decided to join. I think I've read the similar threads to my question but my situation is different.

I think my time of departure is getting closer, the spring is attractive…. I have 2 close friends (one I speak to at least every day) that are likely to be surprised when I die and I've been pondering if I should discuss it with them to hopefully avoid any feelings of guilt on their part. The obvious complication is my death is not open for discussion and I don't want to be stopped but I also do not want them to suffer unnecessarily. There's nothing they can do to fix things for me but I would like to say good bye.

I don't want to share any identifiable info, but I think I do need to share a bit to get worthwhile opinions. I'm in my 40's, I'm healthy but have a medical condition that's likely to become complicated enough that I would choose to die before 60 anyway. This decision has been on the radar for about 4 years, but I have tried alternatives first and am at the point where I feel certain things will not improve. I've spent the last year getting my affairs in order, there are a few things I still want to do but the list of things I want to do enough to delay and can do due to various reasons is getting short.

I'm not depressed, my therapist even went as far as to say that because I am rational and not depressed at all suicide was a topic it would be better if we did not discuss..... I don't think I have anyone I can discuss this with in RL, all opinions are welcome.

 

[Midgardsorm]

From my experience, I was a fool telling a very close friend of mine about my suicidal thoughts. I told him I visit a website related to suicide, didn't said SS name and neither said it was a forum, yet he thought it was a reddit of some kind.
Frankly, It was a terrible mistake. He forced me into a voice call and told a lot of things that most of people here already heard thousand times. However, he also said things that hurt me. I wish I never told him.

If you choose to do so, I hope it's different. But I can say for sure that your passing will never be easier to anyone, no matter what you do, and frankly, I do think if you tell somebody, it will only increase their feeling of guilt, because they will start thinking that they should have done something when you told them, something like "He was crying for help and I didn't listen.".

Of course, it's your choice, maybe they will act differently. I hope so.

 

[Makko]

Sharing something like this will permanently poison the friendships. People don't know how to adequately react to revelations like this and it fundamentally affects how they view the revealer. Even if their reason somehow takes your side, their emotions will not. It's like telling them you've secretly been a nazi for 4 years. It will hang in the air forever, regardless of what happens afterwards.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

I didn't face any backlash (I think?), but I kinda regret telling anything to anyone sometimes. Not everyone can understand. Far from everyone. I understand the urge of telling your friends, but you might regret that decision later. But it's really up to you. No one knows your friends better than you do. You must be the one to assess the risk.

 

[Chiisai]

From my experience, I was a fool telling a very close friend of mine about my suicidal thoughts. I told him I visit a website related to suicide, didn't said SS name and neither said it was a forum, yet he thought it was a reddit of some kind.
Frankly, It was a terrible mistake. He forced me into a voice call and told a lot of things that most of people here already heard thousand times. However, he also said things that hurt me. I wish I never told him.

If you choose to do so, I hope it's different. But I can say for sure that your passing will never be easier to anyone, no matter what you do, and frankly, I do think if you tell somebody, it will only increase their feeling of guilt, because they will start thinking that they should have done something when you told them, something like "He was crying for help and I didn't listen.".

Of course, it's your choice, maybe they will act differently. I hope so.

Btw, I like your username. :)

Now onto the matter in question, I agree with what @Makko said. Telling your friend might change their perspective of you or the friendship and that heavy of a topic might put a strain on the other person as well. It might make them guilty of not being able to stop you, or worse, turns their guilt into depression. However, this is only an assumption. You know your friend better and it still is your decision.

 

[Midgardsorm]

Btw, I like your username. :)

Now onto the matter in question, I agree with what @Makko said. Telling your friend might change their perspective of you or the friendship and that heavy of a topic might put a strain on the other person as well. It might make them guilty of not being able to stop you, or worse, turns their guilt into depression. However, this is only an assumption. You know your friend better and it still is your decision.

Thank you ! ^^ It's from a game, but Midgard is very common, of course.

 

[FuneralCry]

Of course, it is a personal decision if you want to tell them. However, I would never tell anyone. It is likely they may not accept and understand your decision and they may try to stop you. I think it is risky. I think personally that a note is a good idea as you can say things like 'there is nothing you could have done' and it can act as closure. I wish you well.

 

[Manaaja]

It's a hard choice. If they don't take you seriously, you hurt yourself. If they take you too seriously, they might snitch. If they take you medium seriously, well, they might understand you and be happy for you even if it also makes them sad, but they might also react differently.

From my own point of perspective, I'm all pro-suicide. Every reason is a good reason for ctb in my opinion. Heck, you don't even need a reason. Ctb for fun if you want. But if my bro told me he was suicidal, part of me would want to stop him even if I wanted him to get rid of this world. Because I'm not evolved enough yet, I'd think how I'm gonna survive without him, even though it's selfish, though it's not "evil" selfishness. but "necessary survival" selfishness. Kinda like a child doesn't want their parent to die because who'd take care of the kid now. And kinda like how some people are fine with other people's kids being gay but not their own kid. So your friends can be pro-suicide and still be anti-Tiredbuddhist suicide, if you understand what I mean.


I hope they can see your point of view, but sadly I doubt that. What ever your choice, I hope it goes well. You have the right to ctb whenever you want.

...Sorry for saying this out of nowhere and sorry for speaking of money, but if you do ctb and your friends are poor, you could write a testament to donate your money or belongings to them. Or at least part of your money/belongings.

 

[TiredBuddhist]

Thanks for the replies. I've read them all and It's swung my thoughts in the direction of writing letters because it avoids many potential negative reactions from my friends. If I can't convince someone in a letter that I have months to write that they couldn't have changed my mind or have regrets I wouldn't be able to do it face to face. I want us to enjoy the next few months so I shouldn't do anything that might jeopardise that.

Thanks everyone. I think it took seeing other people mentioning the negative side of telling my friends to reinforce some of the risks I was already worried about and help me decide not to tell them.

If anyone else has an opinion please do share it.

..Sorry for saying this out of nowhere and sorry for speaking of money, but if you do ctb and your friends are poor, you could write a testament to donate your money or belongings to them. Or at least part of your money/belongings.

It's a good suggestion, thank you. I've discussed wills with them and have that part planned out. I'm already moving towards this; one of my 2 friends is very poor so I will be leaving them the majority and the rest to a few charities. My other friend doesn't "need" anything but will be free to take anything he wants (if anything) as a keepsake, I already mentioned this to him because I didn't want him to feel excluded. I really like the idea of giving my hard up friend a significant boost...

 

[bornfree]

You have a sense of good in you your friends don't have. You cannot trust them to feel empathy for you but you have a sense of empathy for them to protect them.
my friends might have made my death an unnecessary protection but i live when empathy for my being does not exist.

 

[deflationary]

If as you say they're the kind of friends that would be surprised by your suicide, it's probably too late to clue them in at this point. It would have had to have been a topic you had previously broached and gotten understanding feedback on to make it an option to openly discuss it now. I guess you could still talk about it in vague philosophical terms and gauge their reactions to see if you can go farther than that, but it could backfire and just make them feel more guilty for "not seeing the signs" once you're gone.