This friend and I have talked before about wanting to ctb and attempting previously in our lives. They're someone I care about deeply, so I just want them to be able to prepare for my death. My hesitance comes from them possibly telling others or calling the police on me and having me involuntarily committed before I can even try to attempt to ctb.
My initial plan was to push them away so that they would be hurt less by my death, but I don't want them to either hate me for the rest of my short existence or blame themselves for leaving me and "causing me to ctb" because I purposefully pushed them away.
I guess I'm trying to rationalize pushing them away as well by telling myself that it won't matter if they hate me because I'll be gone and have no memory of this life. However, my dilemma is, as I've stated before, I really care about them in my own fucked up way and want them to remember me as someone they loved (which might be my own selfishness ngl). They hit me up today saying that they'd like to hang out within the next week, and I'm thinking my safest bet would be to tell them that I plan to ctb soon and that I want to lessen the harm that it'll do to them and others around me by isolating myself and letting them remember all of their idealized versions of me rather than the present "me" who is severely suicidal and no fun to be around as a result.
Rereading this over, I feel like I sound super uncertain about ctb, but I truly feel that I am ready to face the unknown and that my time is up. Life as a whole is becoming unbearable to live, and I can't imagine a future that doesn't end in me ctb one way or another. I think I would rather do it now than prolong my own suffering and get myself into an even bigger financial pickle that results in me both being too poor to live but also being too poor to afford to die quickly and peacefully.
My initial plan was to push them away so that they would be hurt less by my death, but I don't want them to either hate me for the rest of my short existence or blame themselves for leaving me and "causing me to ctb" because I purposefully pushed them away.
I guess I'm trying to rationalize pushing them away as well by telling myself that it won't matter if they hate me because I'll be gone and have no memory of this life. However, my dilemma is, as I've stated before, I really care about them in my own fucked up way and want them to remember me as someone they loved (which might be my own selfishness ngl). They hit me up today saying that they'd like to hang out within the next week, and I'm thinking my safest bet would be to tell them that I plan to ctb soon and that I want to lessen the harm that it'll do to them and others around me by isolating myself and letting them remember all of their idealized versions of me rather than the present "me" who is severely suicidal and no fun to be around as a result.
Rereading this over, I feel like I sound super uncertain about ctb, but I truly feel that I am ready to face the unknown and that my time is up. Life as a whole is becoming unbearable to live, and I can't imagine a future that doesn't end in me ctb one way or another. I think I would rather do it now than prolong my own suffering and get myself into an even bigger financial pickle that results in me both being too poor to live but also being too poor to afford to die quickly and peacefully.
