Should I stay or should I ctb?

[waterbottleman]

I have now received all the tools for SN method and I'm at the breaking point now. I'm either going to ctb or check myself in a psych ward. It's one or the other, Im too mentally damaged to get out of this rut on my own.

I am on the fence but leaning towards ctb, however there's a small part of me that wonders if I should check myself in a psych ward and get help. I have never sought help before, never tried therapy before, have never tried medication before.

I know without a doubt that I have deep clinical depression (it also runs in my family, my grandfather killed himself because of it), I have social anxiety, I suspect I'm autistic but not 100 percent sure, and I'm pretty sure I have avoidant personality disorder which I think is a significant barrier in me seeking help. I have an irrational fear of interacting with people even though this has caused me severe loneliness and has damaged many aspects of my life such as:

- having no friends

- not dating nor trying to date despite being really lonely and just wanting a gf who I can cook for, give her flowers, listen to her, and tell her how much I love her

- has damaged my career due to being afraid of the social interaction when applying for jobs

- because I don't socialize this again damages my ability to network

I really don't know if I should ctb or not. I know I'm a very mentally damaged person, but plenty of people lack things in their external life that I have. I have a family that cares about me, I have plenty of money (but no job that I stupidly quit 6 months ago), i live on my own and financially support myself 100 percent, have a decent college degree from a good college, and my physical health is good.

I know from an external sense my life is far from perfect but it's not hopeless either. A lot of people have been in worse situations and have persevered through it. However I know without a doubt my issues are self inflicted due to years of doing nothing about my mental problems.

I truly feel to the depths of my soul that my life is pointless, and I felt like that even when I was employed (even when I was in college, have felt lost for a really long time) so I know my issues go deeper than lack of employment/structure in my life. My fear is that even if I get help and my life still doesn't improve, I still see no reason to live, I still don't get pleasure from anything, then what? On the other hand, maybe I've felt life is pointless for so long because I am severely mentally ill and just haven't realized it till 6 months ago.

Its hard to analyze things rationally when you've been depressed for so long. The idea that I could actually find purpose in my life and have deep passions that I gain pleasure from just seems literally impossible to me. It's been so long since I've truly found much of anything pleasurable. I feel like my life has been dull black and white film for a decade, whereas I want to experience life in color full of passion. Sort of like in the film Pleasantville (I like that movie). Is it possible for someone like me to gain this or is all hope lost and I am destined to live in darkness forever?

The fundamental question I have, really the only question that matters in my life now is should I ctb or go get help? Would appreciate it if anyone gave input on this. If age matters, I recently turned 29.

 

[Throwawaysoul]

The fundamental question I have, really the only question that matters in my life now is should I ctb or go get help?

I also have all the tools for SN also. I'm trying to fix myself first but I rest easy knowing I can opt out of life at anytime.

 

[Nem]

Sorry to hear, all I can say is be wary of meds. A number of us are on here because of meds, I feel the same way for the most part. Maybe try seeing if things can get better before turning out the lights
Peace/hugs

 

[Thereisnothing]

You have so much going on for you and I really feel it. Thanks for sharing everything that you have it took a great deal of courage.
You say you are breaking point but clearly on the fence and undecided with what you think is best to do. If you have never sought help before or tried therapy or medications, then this would be an ideal time to take a step back and think if its worth giving it a go.
If not tried it before then I would say its well worth trying, it could really help you, but you wont know unless you try it. Ending your life is a big decision a massive one and if anyone has any doubts then I always say take a step back. You say its hard to analyse anything properly when been depressed for so long, of course it would be, you cant see clearly. I think we all have hope, however small and it can take alot to find that tiny grain of gold glinting in the sand and thats all it is a tiny tiny fragment, but it is there somewhere and when you find it, you build on it slowly.

I dont feel anyones destiny is to be living in darkness forever, that isn't what we were all put here for, although life can and is very cruel.

I understand and feel your pain, you are undecided. What would you say to me, if i was undecided about trying some new things out first or just CTB. I'd like to think you'd tell me it could be well worth a shot, I think anyone would to be honest. Its encouraging you'not exhausted all avenues. Age matters not, its the person who is important, YOU.

Dont feel alone, we are here.

 

[Squiddy]

Maybe you could try exhausting all of your options first before deciding to ctb

 

[xxelefante]

Come on, seriously mate? You haven't tried ANYTHING. You haven't been to therapy, you haven't been on meds, NOTHING, and you want to kill yourself right away? Just, don't. You can get soooo much better. Meds and therapy exist for a reason. Don't you see how much hope there still is for you? You can try literally everything still, everything can work.

Honestly. March to the psych ward RIGHT NOW.

I know it's pain and I know how much in hurts but you have so many roads ahead of you. I only accept suicide when there is literally no other way and all options have been exhausted. Don't even think about it for now mate.

 

[Jean4]

My opinion? If you need to ask people on a suicide forum if you should CTB, you aren't ready.

 

[Thereisnothing]

Come on, seriously mate? You haven't tried ANYTHING. You haven't been to therapy, you haven't been on meds, NOTHING, and you want to kill yourself right away? Just, don't. You can get soooo much better. Meds and therapy exist for a reason. Don't you see how much hope there still is for you? You can try literally everything still, everything can work.

Honestly. March to the psych ward RIGHT NOW.

I know it's pain and I know how much in hurts but you have so many roads ahead of you. I only accept suicide when there is literally no other way and all options have been exhausted. Don't even think about it for now mate.

VERY wise words here, I'd urge you to take them if you can and also the things I said to you in my message. There could be countless opportunities for you yet. There is no chance of finding the pot of gold at end the rainbow unless you start the walk with a single step.

 

[Roro90]

I think you should try and go to a psychiatric , meds will help if you found the right one
after solving your mental illness you will meet friends and new girlfriend believe me human relationships are easy to make
and for the job I'm sure you can find a better place with your collage degree and start fresh in new place

 

[BooGirl]

It's really up to you in the end, but I think therapy is worth a try. If it doesn't work out, the SN is always there. :)

 

[Quarky00]

if I should check myself in a psych ward and get help. I have never sought help before, never tried therapy before, have never tried medication before.

I would not check-in to pyshc ward unless you have delusion, hallucinations, or psychosis. It's a stressful environment and intensive for someone who can understand what's going on, like you :)

That is a good thing you have – you know what's happening, how you feel, and can consider things. "Its hard to analyze things rationally when you've been depressed for so long" – true, but you've managed to do a bit of that. Maybe there's something to work with?

I understand the myriad of serious debilitating issues – therefore "ctb or hospitalization!" :) Been there. You should try some options/help before either of these options. You can at least learn a bit. I can't guarantee anything would help, but you owe to yourself at least some certainty – "I know, I tried"

 

[waterbottleman]

Come on, seriously mate? You haven't tried ANYTHING. You haven't been to therapy, you haven't been on meds, NOTHING, and you want to kill yourself right away? Just, don't. You can get soooo much better. Meds and therapy exist for a reason. Don't you see how much hope there still is for you? You can try literally everything still, everything can work.

Honestly. March to the psych ward RIGHT NOW.

I know it's pain and I know how much in hurts but you have so many roads ahead of you. I only accept suicide when there is literally no other way and all options have been exhausted. Don't even think about it for now mate.

Would be awesome if meds/therapy worked for me, just can't fathom that it will work. But i wonder if I've been depressed for so long that's impossible for me to see light when there actually is still hope for things to be better.

i can't go to the psych ward literally right now (I took a vacation to see if it would make me feel better, ha it didn't) but I am going back home on Sunday. I wrote this thread to decide if I will be ctbing when I get home or if I will be going to a psych ward. It's one or the other for me, I can't live my life sitting at home in my depression any longer. I know I need to make a radical change in my life despite how unnatural and uncomfortable it feels.

If I do decide to go to a psych ward how do I do that? Do I just go to an emergency room and tell them that I'm on the brink of suicide but want help? Could I call a hospital and tell them my situation and drive over there myself? I would feel more comfortable explaining my situation over the phone than awkwparsley telling a receptionist in front of everyone my situation.

 

[HopeDiesLast]

You've never even given yourself a chance, bud!
I think you owe it to yourself to at least explore other avenues before calling it quits. You might be surprised how much better things can get!

Also, you don't have to choose between two extremes (ctb or inpatient treatment). The first step would be to speak to a counselor/therapist. They'll be able to refer you to a psychiatrist if they feel you might benefit from medication.

Please go reach out to a mental health professional. In the meantime, we're here for you.

 

[xxelefante]

Would be awesome if meds/therapy worked for me, just can't fathom that it will work. But i wonder if I've been depressed for so long that's impossible for me to see light when there actually is still hope for things to be better.

i can't go to the psych ward literally right now (I took a vacation to see if it would make me feel better, ha it didn't) but I am going back home on Sunday. I wrote this thread to decide if I will be ctbing when I get home or if I will be going to a psych ward. It's one or the other for me, I can't live my life sitting at home in my depression any longer. I know I need to make a radical change in my life despite how unnatural and uncomfortable it feels.

If I do decide to go to a psych ward how do I do that? Do I just go to an emergency room and tell them that I'm on the brink of suicide but want help? Could I call a hospital and tell them my situation and drive over there myself? I would feel more comfortable explaining my situation over the phone than awkwparsley telling a receptionist in front of everyone my situation.

Well, you'll never know if you don't try it, will you? I understand you are doubtful it will work, that's depression talking through you, everything is black. What I can't phantom is wanting to go without trying to help yourself first. March in to therapy like, today. If it doesn't work and you try all there is for couple years, you can go knowing you did whatever you could.

As for checking in to psych ward, it probably depends on where you're from. I'm from EU and if I march to a hospital and say that I'm suicidal, they have to keep me there for a minimum of 48h, also against my will. But I also don't pay a cent, however long I stay... Things may be more complicated in other countries. Where are you from? So that someone can help you better understand how does the process look like there?

 

[waterbottleman]

I think you should try and go to a psychiatric , meds will help if you found the right one
after solving your mental illness you will meet friends and new girlfriend believe me human relationships are easy to make
and for the job I'm sure you can find a better place with your collage degree and start fresh in new place

Are human relationships really easy to make? Having a girlfriend who loves me seems surreal to me, yet it's something I've always wanted (I recognize though I need to fix myself first before).

I find it amazing that I managed to get a degree in math at a good college, took really challenging courses and succeeded, yet things the vast majority of people take for granted like making friends and dating seems so complex and impossible to me.

Yeah I'm a screwed up mess, have no idea why it took me so long to realize just how broken my mind is. I know there is something wrong with my brain because deep down I know what you're saying is true, I just don't feel like it's true.

Well, you'll never know if you don't try it, will you? I understand you are doubtful it will work, that's depression talking through you, everything is black. What I can't phantom is wanting to go without trying to help yourself first. March in to therapy like, today. If it doesn't work and you try all there is for couple years, you can go knowing you did whatever you could

As for checking in to psych ward, it probably depends heaving on where you're from. I'm from EU and if I march to a hospital and say that I'm suicidal, they have to keep me there for a minimum of 48h, also against my will. But I also don't pay a cent, however long I stay... Think may be more complicated in other countries. Where are you from? So that someone can help you better understand how does the process look like?

I'm in the US and have Medicaid (it's the poor person government subsidized health insurance here).

luckily in my state Medicaid covers mental health, so I just need to figure out how I get help. I know it sounds dumb, but I've never sought help so I don't even know how i can do that.

 

[xxelefante]

Yeah I'm a screwed up mess, have no idea why it took me so long to realize just how broken my mind is. I know there is something wrong with my brain because deep down I know what you're saying is true, I just don't feel like it's true.

This is an excellent example of depression talking. This is depression mate, it's not you. Everything looks black, bleak, hopeless. You gotta try taking these glasses off before taking any serious decisions.

I'm in the US and have Medicaid (it's the poor person government subsidized health insurance here).

luckily in my state Medicaid covers mental health, so I just need to figure out how I get help. I know it sounds dumb, but I've never sought help so I don't even know how i can do that.

Then I would honestly just drive to the nicest hospital you know and say: I am severly depressed and suicidal, I am afraid that I will hurt myself, please help.
That's what I did when I had an affection moment!

 

[Quarky00]

Consider outpatient hospitalization , or the like .

• You come every day and get therapy, assessment, meds readjusted, etc
• You'd get more personal attention than psych ward
• Should also be cheaper for insurer (no bed)

You are smart. Explore the options :)

I accept that ctb/hospital view, totally legit. Just do a bit of learning ...

 

[S1mpleme]

I sincerely don't want you to CTB and definitely I do not reccomend psych ward, for many reasons. From my life experience I know 100% nobody cares about someone's physical or mental health, it's just a way to make more money. Honestly I don't think everything is that bad as you might think, you just need 2nd opinion. And what's the most important I believe, you just need a friend, and your life will be fine. Despite how hard for you to find someone, I really want you to try. I would like to become your friend if you wish. I don't care who you are and won't judge you. Together we will figure out everything and I'll support you in all your goals. You can be yourself and don't worry about me, I have a lot of patience. Please let me know in PM if you have any question and want to discuss, otherwise if you don't need it, keep in mind I also planning CTB.

 

[Lostbetweenworlds]

I really don't know what has brought you to the point your currently at, but I am telling you that you are experiencing impulses.. these are the worst way to act on, because they are irrational.. I still respect the decision you make, but you should seriously think about the consequences of ctb if you want to go ahead with it I wouldn't do it the day you feel the most likely triggered by impulses but a day where you have thought about everything and came to the best conclusion for yourself... Don't act on impulses, you have people here that can help you, just reach out and we do our best to give you our comfort.. but don't end it with struggle from within because as long as there is struggle within you, there is still a will to fight..

 

[Zoltiel]

When you are ready to CTB you will know it man. There will be no question about it. The people that actually do CTB have irreversible damage done to their lives, and things are getting progressively worse with no chance of improvement. They observe the impending doom and make it their mission to devise a plan out of this place.

 

[zherhk]

So,

- having no friends

- not dating nor trying to date despite being really lonely and just wanting a gf who I can cook for, give her flowers, listen to her, and tell her how much I love her

- has damaged my career due to being afraid of the social interaction when applying for jobs

- because I don't socialize this again damages my ability to network

All things that depends on you, you can really fix them in the way you would like to be.
I'm envious.
About social skills issue which is the foundation of your list, you could just start by asking strangers 'what time is it', to leave your seat to somebody old in the bus etc...

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

It's not time to go yet.

There is so much for you yet to do. Try therapy. Try a hospital. I found great people in a DBSA support group, although YMMV with them.

When there is nothing left to try, when you've tried them all and still can't find the light, then it's time to start looking at bus schedules.

 

[Boonks]

I'm just gonna be the one to simply say "NO"

 

[waterbottleman]

When you are ready to CTB you will know it man. There will be no question about it. The people that actually do CTB have irreversible damage done to their lives, and things are getting progressively worse with no chance of improvement. They observe the impending doom and make it their mission to devise a plan out of this place.

It seems like to me I have done irreversible damage with no chance of improvement.

What woman would want to date me? I've only ever had one girlfriend in my life which was over 10 years ago in high school and the only reason I was able to lose my virginity recently is by going to a legal brothel and having sex with a sex worker. And I realized something when I lost my virginity, which is that it's not sex that I'm looking for, it's love and intimacy that I actually want. Yet I've never been able to get it my entire 11 years as an adult.

I'm so inexperienced and far behind now when it comes to dating and socializing that I think all hope is lost.

I think I screwed myself by isolating myself for too long.

I'm a hopeless romantic who has no chance of ever finding a woman to be romantic with. I've been this way even when I was a teenager, it's just a fundamental part of who I am that I can't change.

I don't feel like my life is worth living without finding a special someone.

Im so desperate for love sometimes I wonder if I should just get a job and then at some point fly to a poor third world country and get a "mail order" bride so to speak who isn't looking for a super exciting husband with an amazing social life but would just be happy with a guy like me. I'm not exciting, I'm pretty boring, but I would take good care of her (love her, support her, not be abusive, financially support her, etc). I'm decent with money and know how to budget and invest for the long term but I don't make 6 figures or anything. I'm not great looking, but I'm not bad looking either and I take care of my appearance and hygiene.

As long as I like her personality, think she's pretty, and she's affectionate towards me that is good enough for me. I'll marry her and support her in whatever she wants to do whether it be a stay at home spouse or if she wants to get an education and career, whatever, I can afford it.

im just so tired of being so lonely and feeling like I have to pretend to be someone I'm not to attract a woman.

I just want someone who I can give flowers to and cook dinners for

 

[SickSadWorld]

Stay

 

[Zoltiel]

It seems like to me I have done irreversible damage with no chance of improvement.

What woman would want to date me? I've only ever had one girlfriend in my life which was over 10 years ago in high school and the only reason I was able to lose my virginity recently is by going to a legal brothel and having sex with a sex worker. And I realized something when I lost my virginity, which is that it's not sex that I'm looking for, it's love and intimacy that I actually want. Yet I've never been able to get it my entire 11 years as an adult.

I'm so inexperienced and far behind now when it comes to dating and socializing that I think all hope is lost.

I think I screwed myself by isolating myself for too long.

I'm a hopeless romantic who has no chance of ever finding a woman to be romantic with. I've been this way even when I was a teenager, it's just a fundamental part of who I am that I can't change.

I don't feel like my life is worth living without finding a special someone.

Im so desperate for love sometimes I wonder if I should just get a job and then at some point fly to a poor third world country and get a "mail order" bride so to speak who isn't looking for a super exciting husband with an amazing social life but would just be happy with a guy like me. I'm not exciting, I'm pretty boring, but I would take good care of her (love her, support her, not be abusive, financially support her, etc). I'm decent with money and know how to budget and invest for the long term but I don't make 6 figures or anything. I'm not great looking, but I'm not bad looking either and I take care of my appearance and hygiene.

As long as I like her personality, think she's pretty, and she's affectionate towards me that is good enough for me. I'll marry her and support her in whatever she wants to do whether it be a stay at home spouse or if she wants to get an education and career, whatever, I can afford it.

im just so tired of being so lonely and feeling like I have to pretend to be someone I'm not to attract a woman.

I just want someone who I can give flowers to and cook dinners for

So how is any of this irreversible? Go to the gym and start lifting weights, or go for a run. Join a bunch of clubs. Buy a quality camera and take interesting photos of yourself, and put them on dating apps and websites. Search on Google "how to talk to girls" and read everything and watch every video. These are all fixable things man.

There are people on here with mysterious chronic illnesses, that have brain damage from psych meds, that got irreversibly damaged by surgery. These things are PERMANENT, there is no fixing them no matter how hard you try.

 

[jgm63]

It seems like to me I have done irreversible damage with no chance of improvement.

What woman would want to date me? I've only ever had one girlfriend in my life which was over 10 years ago in high school and the only reason I was able to lose my virginity recently is by going to a legal brothel and having sex with a sex worker. And I realized something when I lost my virginity, which is that it's not sex that I'm looking for, it's love and intimacy that I actually want. Yet I've never been able to get it my entire 11 years as an adult.

I'm so inexperienced and far behind now when it comes to dating and socializing that I think all hope is lost.

I think I screwed myself by isolating myself for too long.

I'm a hopeless romantic who has no chance of ever finding a woman to be romantic with. I've been this way even when I was a teenager, it's just a fundamental part of who I am that I can't change.

I don't feel like my life is worth living without finding a special someone.

Im so desperate for love sometimes I wonder if I should just get a job and then at some point fly to a poor third world country and get a "mail order" bride so to speak who isn't looking for a super exciting husband with an amazing social life but would just be happy with a guy like me. I'm not exciting, I'm pretty boring, but I would take good care of her (love her, support her, not be abusive, financially support her, etc). I'm decent with money and know how to budget and invest for the long term but I don't make 6 figures or anything. I'm not great looking, but I'm not bad looking either and I take care of my appearance and hygiene.

As long as I like her personality, think she's pretty, and she's affectionate towards me that is good enough for me. I'll marry her and support her in whatever she wants to do whether it be a stay at home spouse or if she wants to get an education and career, whatever, I can afford it.

im just so tired of being so lonely and feeling like I have to pretend to be someone I'm not to attract a woman.

I just want someone who I can give flowers to and cook dinners for

Your idea of meeting someone in another country isn't necessarily a bad idea. Maybe you could work towards that.
You might meet someone before then, but if not then that could still be a viable option....

Don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself by comparing yourself to others, or putting time limits on things.
You are completely unique, and completely valid. Anyone who says otherwise is an idiot and must not be listened to under any circumstances....

It's clear that you have a lot of love in your heart. I feel certain that there is someone out there who will fully appeciate you... It might take a while to meet them, but when you eventually do, it will be worth it.....

 

[Daffodil]

It sounds like you've got hope. If you've got hope, hold onto it. There's a thread going on right now about meds with the least side effects.

 

[Polka]

From what you have revealed it seems like you think you need a relationship with a woman to make you happy. Been there done that. You need to be happy with yourself first before considering a relationship. If not then it is a drain on the woman and the odds are she will leave eventually. Some might stay but you will not be able to develop in that relationship and it will not be a happy one because of how most people are wired.

You have a lot going on for you. If you are willing to consider working on yourself, based on what you wrote, you have the intelligence and discipline to grow.

Romantic love is kind of a myth. After a honeymoon period all relationships take work. That is the reality.

It might be worth thinking about an entirely new career, perhaps one that engages more of the parts of you that want to care etc. Lots more to discuss if you want.

 

[waterbottleman]

From what you have revealed it seems like you think you need a relationship with a woman to make you happy. Been there done that. You need to be happy with yourself first before considering a relationship. If not then it is a drain on the woman and the odds are she will leave eventually. Some might stay but you will not be able to develop in that relationship and it will not be a happy one because of how most people are wired.

You have a lot going on for you. If you are willing to consider working on yourself, based on what you wrote, you have the intelligence and discipline to grow.

Romantic love is kind of a myth. After a honeymoon period all relationships take work. That is the reality.

It might be worth thinking about an entirely new career, perhaps one that engages more of the parts of you that want to care etc. Lots more to discuss if you want.

I absolutely agree with what you said about fixing myself first.

i do want to be in a relationship, but I only want to be in a relationship where she is genuinely happy being in one with me. I would never want to be in a relationship where my partner feels stuck or for some reason obligated to stay with me but doesn't really want to.

As for a career change, I've wondered if I should change into a career thatll force me to be more social and extroverted. Even though I know it would make me really uncomfortable at first, I think pushing my comfort zone and growing as a person would be beneficial to my whole life and my mental well being. Right now the "career" I am in right (self employed stock trader) and also the career I was in before are both very introverted.

Being introverted and analytical is my comfort zone, but honestly I think I'd be better off if I used my analytical abilities in a job that is more extroverted.