Should I fight one last time?

[Alyatl]

I'm really new here and I never thought I'd reach this point but I feel like I'm mentally on death row.
I've tried to ctb eight times in the past month. I was sectioned twice and was diagnosed with borderline, I recently broke up with my boyfriend of four years and I miss the fuck out of him and he can't be there for me right now. Every day is just the same thing of cutting, crying, screaming, taking my antipsychotics and passing out. I'm so exhausted and I feel like I can't do it anymore. I'm 20 years old and I feel like I've dealt with enough, any good that possibly comes cannot ever outweigh the bad that I've experienced. I feel the whole world is against me and I'm just an awful human being.
I have a plan to ctb on my 21st birthday in June. But there's something stopping me. I feel fucking hopeless so it's not even a glimmer of hope in my life that can get me out of this. Maybe it's guilt, I don't want to see the love of my life in pain. Maybe it's that.
Tonight is insanely hard though, I'm fighting so many urges and I'm so close to just walking to a bridge nearby and doing it, but then there's still that one thing that's stopping me. I feel so lost. Do I let myself get sectioned again? Do I just hold onto that one small ambiguous thing that's keeping me here? I want to just isolate myself for a long time and figure it out but the world is so fucking loud and painful. I need help. I'm so scared I'll do something on impulse, I wanted to go out the way I intended on my birthday, where I had control. But I feel like I have little control left.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

What is stopping you now that didn't stop you the last eight times in the past month?

I'm not at all encouraging you to ctb, just trying to understand.

By the way, if you're interested, you can use the site search for BPD, there are lots of folks here with the condition and lots of conversations about it.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Welcome luv..I feel u..life can be so painful, cruel..plz don't do anything impulsive right now..

We r here for u..feel free to talk, vent..We're an amazing bunch n great listeners♡

 

[Hopeindeath!]

Since the question came up, it's better to wait and sort things out. I'm sorry for what you're going through.

 

[Overnoutofhere]

it feels really bad now, but please wait. I promise you life ahead is full of roads you have to cross. Do not let this be your end!

 

[TStorm]

I always feel that if you are questioning it, you aren't ready to go. Even when life seems unbearable, you have something keeping you going, right? Doing something on impulse, something you can't take back, would be a disaster. Try and distract yourself with something fun so your mind can't think of the bad things for a bit. Then see how you feel, okay?

 

[Alyatl]

What is stopping you now that didn't stop you the last eight times in the past month?

I'm not at all encouraging you to ctb, just trying to understand.

By the way, if you're interested, you can use the site search for BPD, there are lots of folks here with the condition and lots of conversations about it.

Those moments were insanely spontaneous, kind of just incredibly impulsive attempts. I had a fight with a friend and he (albeit angrily) told me he wouldn't be surprised if everyone in my life abandoned me. He said it in a moment of rage, but alas to the borderline mind abandonment is the absolute worst, downed bottles of naproxen in response. My mind switches into a "ill abandon them so they can't abandon me" mode, resulting in pure chaos and psych ward trips.

The thing that's holding me back is this guilt. My parents are devastated, they think their abandonment of me as a child is the reason I'm like this now. My close friend said he'd die if I went, and I can't imagine the impact it would have on my ex-boyfriend, I love him so much and the thought of him suffering hurts. I just need time to disconnect myself from all the guilt, unless I can resolve whatever's inside of me but it's painful. To put it plainly, if I could give myself a lobotomy right now I wouldn't hesitate.
Also thank you for all the warm replies. I've been tearing up reading all of them, I've never felt so welcomed and it's grim given the circumstances but I'm happy I'm here. I'm going to hold off tonight. I'm calm, sort of, and maybe I'll just ride this wave and sleep through it. I have a therapy session tomorrow, and if I were to be honest with him (recent attempted OD, active self harming, plan), I'll most likely be sectioned. Maybe I should give it one more shot, I don't know what I have left in me but maybe I have one more chance to crawl through this shit to better days.

 

[bpdandme]

Hello, fellow borderline here! I'm sorry you've been struggling so much, it's so hard to cope under quarantine conditions. If you've got any hope, hold on to it. I am 23, and I am glad I did not CTB when I wanted to (16) as although there have been a lot of bad times I've also had a lot of fun that I'm glad I lived for! Do you have any plans or goals that you would want to achieve? List everything out and see what's achievable!
Over new year I cut contact with an ex I was on and off with for 7/8 years and I was obsessed with him, I'm so glad I am over him and didn't try to kill myself because of him!
Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk! Sending light!

 

[Deleted member 1465]

If you are asking the question then you already know the answer. Yes, keep fighting.

 

[Blue Starz]

i hope you wait... Partly because of your very young age, but also because you're feeling so overwhelmed right now, and when it feels like nothing will change, that's when you may consider sudden, drastic measures.

But things CAN change... depending on your circumstances of course. Missing an ex is natural and healing takes time. Instead of going to counseling, perhaps try a new or neglected hobby you would love to do. Treat yourself to something you typically deny yourself, or go to a religious place/class that possibly interests you.

I once got over an ex just by dating someone new... i realized that i was just missing the companionship more than him specifically. Maybe that could help you? (Just be careful and make sure they are decent and trustworthy first please!)

Please don't do ctb spontaneously... much better to try waiting, see if things get better first?

 

[tothemoon]

You can PM me if you need someone to talk to. To answer your question, I had a counselor give me the best suicide related advice I've heard. "You can always kill yourself next week". Sounds messed up but it's true. Knowing we have that option does bring some peace. Plus as you (and me and everyone on this forum) know there's a BIG difference between SUICIDE and SUICIDE ATTEMPTS. The latter is way easier, the former not so much. Be aware you'll almost certainly survive another one. And then you'll have to deal with all the shit that comes from that.

 

[Alyatl]

Little update! 911 was called on me today after I told my councillor everything so I was sectioned. They let me go after adjusting my meds and stuff and we're working on a plan to get me back on my feet. My plan to CTB is no longer something on my mind much now, and I hope it stays that way. I told a friend about how it'll be on my birthday and they immediately started planning something to do that day so that I won't be alone.
Thanks for all of your support you're all so fucking lovely

 

[HorribleFeelings1]

I'm really new here and I never thought I'd reach this point but I feel like I'm mentally on death row.
I've tried to ctb eight times in the past month. I was sectioned twice and was diagnosed with borderline, I recently broke up with my boyfriend of four years and I miss the fuck out of him and he can't be there for me right now. Every day is just the same thing of cutting, crying, screaming, taking my antipsychotics and passing out. I'm so exhausted and I feel like I can't do it anymore. I'm 20 years old and I feel like I've dealt with enough, any good that possibly comes cannot ever outweigh the bad that I've experienced. I feel the whole world is against me and I'm just an awful human being.
I have a plan to ctb on my 21st birthday in June. But there's something stopping me. I feel fucking hopeless so it's not even a glimmer of hope in my life that can get me out of this. Maybe it's guilt, I don't want to see the love of my life in pain. Maybe it's that.
Tonight is insanely hard though, I'm fighting so many urges and I'm so close to just walking to a bridge nearby and doing it, but then there's still that one thing that's stopping me. I feel so lost. Do I let myself get sectioned again? Do I just hold onto that one small ambiguous thing that's keeping me here? I want to just isolate myself for a long time and figure it out but the world is so fucking loud and painful. I need help. I'm so scared I'll do something on impulse, I wanted to go out the way I intended on my birthday, where I had control. But I feel like I have little control left.

I never thought I would end up here too, you are not alone here. Everyone is gonna say yes including me because we want you to smile, but if you want a more rational answer, what's the harm in holding on longer? Remember holding on isn't just waiting longer till something good happens, it's becoming stronger. Please do hold on (:

 

[TooLate2582]

You ought to get a ticket to the beach or Vegas or wherever, buy and 8 ball and live it up. No cares, no worries. What do you have to lose?

 

[HorribleFeelings1]

You ought to get a ticket to the beach or Vegas or wherever, buy and 8 ball and live it up. No cares, no worries. What do you have to lose?

Oooo that's a good one (:

 

[The Dark Chaos]

Hello Alyatl..I joined this site todayy onlyy and I've gone through the same phase as you are going right now..If you really wanted to kill yourself, you would have done it already. What stops you?
What stops you is that part of yourself who is headstrong and believes that the life-affirming reasons center on the good things that can still happen for you if you stay alive: the things to do, the people to love, the sights to see, the hopes to realize. These are the reasons you have to stay alive for. Don't decide immediately. Think about the reasons to live and reasons not to. Take your time and then decide. Everyone passes through a bad phase in their life but many still make it out.
I, for myself, have taken time and made the decision to end my life sooner or later but I can feel it that I'll end my life on my own terms. And now its your turn to choose. Wish you best wishes from my side and you may text me to talk about it. I'll be there. <3