Should I even talk about my problems with my sick mom or should I keep bottling it all up inside?

[Circles]

Well long story short I have issues most especially being suicidal and the only person in my fucked up family I feel comfortable enough to talk to about anything is my mom. But lately the past few months her health has been bad and now I feel reluctant to say anything to her anymore because I feel like it hurts her hearing me talk about bad things. I've tried therapy and been to three therapists so far and I understand now it takes a lot of effort and patience which I don't have anymore to find a therapist that can work with me especially starting over and over with a new one. I don't know what to do. I tell myself I have to keep it all in, man up, stop being a pussy, but it's killing me. I'm tired of having no one to talk about all this and some how it's just making it worse. All my problems are crashing down on me and I feel lost, hurt, trapped, etc. I want to die so badly but I know it'll just hurt my mom. But with being so alone and my darkness getting worse I feel trapped. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm going to explode keeping it all in and finally kill myself.

 

[dreamscape1111]

you deserve any help you can get, whatever makes you feel supported, go for that. a true man is actually capable of vulnerability and being real about his feelings. anything you bottle up will just exponentially get worse and worse. let go of the battle. breathe quietly and let it all be. let your body relax. let your heart soften. open to whatever you experience without fighting. don't close down in the midst of pain, fully open up to it and observe it with your awareness without any judgment. any yes! there is a big difference between merely surviving and living a life worth living! let's remember, all the answers are already inside us, we just need to become quiet enough to hear them. meditation has helped me do just that a little bit more each day.

 

[LastFlowers]

I think you should talk to her.
Acknowledge her own pain but tell her how alone you feel and how she is the only person you feel comfortable sharing with, that it's detrimental to your well-being and remaining sanity to keep things bottled up.
(Because it is, people who are forced to hold things inside, especially to this degree, will eventually snap, have emotional outbursts, full blown mental breakdowns..and such events will only add to your trauma and alienation.)

If you have the option to vent to someone in your inner circle and not just ultimately ineffectual strangers, please do so, especially if you think they may be even remotely receptive.
It will probably be very difficult and uncomfortable at first, but the more you open up, the more you with both get used to it.
Even if she has her own health issues right now, she is still your mom.
You may regret not going to her about all this.

Therapy can never replace a personal support system, that's one of many reasons why it fails so often.
More and more friends, family members and partners are pushing people off to therapists and claiming that they're "not equipped" to deal with their supposed loved one's misery or suffering.
Half the reason they're "not equipped" is because they are no longer forced into a position where they have to develop the tools to handle being there for another person.
It has become the norm to let people off the hook because now we have "professionals".
I could see if maybe you didn't want to bother someone less immediate, who perhaps was worse off and had too much on their plate already but this is your mother.
Someone you should absolutely be able to fall back on and go to during your darkest moments.
Some of us here are rejected outright when we try to go to our parents, which is pretty abhorrent on their part, but it sounds like your mom has been better about this type of thing than the rest of your relatives, so try not to let go of that.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Not knowing how sick your mom is, I don't think you should burden her on top of what she is already dealing with. If she is seriously ill, or heading towards it, the last thing a parent wants to know, other than their child having a fatal physical disease or something along those lines, is that their child is unhappy and is contemplating suicide. She may put on a brave face for you, and even be there for you, giving you the guidance you need, because that's what a parent does, even when they're not at their best, but it will still weigh heavily on her emotionally, and that may not be the best thing for her.

 

[Circles]

Not knowing how sick your mom is, I don't think you should burden her on top of what she is already dealing with. If she is seriously ill, or heading towards it, the last thing a parent wants to know, other than their child having a fatal physical disease or something along those lines, is that their child is unhappy and is contemplating suicide. She may put on a brave face for you, and even be there for you, giving you the guidance you need, because that's what a parent does, even when they're not at their best, but it will still weigh heavily on her emotionally, and that may not be the best thing for her.

Yea I agree. I guess there's nothing I can do but keep it all in cause I feel like I have no choice. I love her and don't intend to hurt or burden her by me talking about my problems. It's just hard not having literally anyone.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Yea I agree. I guess there's nothing I can do but keep it all in cause I feel like I have no choice.

You have a choice. You can muster up the strength and try and find a therapist.

 

[LastFlowers]

Not knowing how sick your mom is, I don't think you should burden her on top of what she is already dealing with. If she is seriously ill, or heading towards it, the last thing a parent wants to know, other than their child having a fatal physical disease or something along those lines, is that their child is unhappy and is contemplating suicide. She may put on a brave face for you, and even be there for you, giving you the guidance you need, because that's what a parent does, even when they're not at their best, but it will still weigh heavily on her emotionally, and that may not be the best thing for her.

I don't think it should be considered a burden to open up to your own mom.
Parents are the ones who bring their children into being, after all.
Being there for their kids comes with the territory, in sickness or in health.
I think regretting the missed opportunity to open up to her will hurt more than regretting the opposite.
I can't imagine she is totally oblivious to @Circles pain anyhow.
I personally know what it's like to have nobody else and sometimes you just have to go to the only person you can.
It's not fair for OP to become ill via their own internalizing either.
It could result in something even more painful to their parent.

It's up to OP, but I think being open and honest is always the best course of action in this type of situation so long as you aren't fearing for your safety.
And decent mothers (or guardians) are usually always the safest people to go to.
If it were my kid, I would want to know what was going on with them, even if I was on my deathbed.
But perhaps that consideration and concern is an anomaly.

There are ways to be considerate of the other person's predicament while explaining your own.
It can be a two-way street of support.
It's a gray area. But with parents, I don't think any child's suffering should be taken as a burden to them.
It might be different if the parent were incoherent or something, because then there wouldn't be much point in telling them things, but I'm assuming that's not what's going on here.


Again though, not my decision, I have no idea of the other details that could influence what the right course of action may or may not be.
I also have my own history with my own parents which could lead to certain biases that color my advice.
But that probably goes for everyone.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I don't think it should be considered a burden to open up to your own mom.

When they're sick? From the OPs post, sick isn't meaning just a simple cold or flu. I think they mean failing-health kind of sick.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Do you think she can help you? I think when people are intent on working towards recovery, perhaps it is a good idea to let family know- in the hopes that they can give their support. Still- if someone is likely to go ahead with CTB, personally, I don't think it's all that fair telling people- as- they'll only then worry and ultimately fail to help- if the decision has already been made. That's just my opinion based on my own family. I guess other people feel like giving their family forewarning helps them emotionally prepare.

I'm personally hanging on for my Dad. Sometimes I want to tell him but that's more because I REALLY want to go now and I want what I know he'd never give me- his consent. I don't actually think my Dad could help me with these feelings. That's because I mainly want to CTB because I don't want to function in this world anymore. There's nothing he can do to help with that. For my Dad, I also think me just telling him I am suicidal may be almost as heart breaking for him as if I just went ahead and did it. He must realise I'm very unhappy- I'm not brilliant at concealing it but I think the full truth would be too much for him.

I suppose it depends on whether you think your Mum can actually help you. If it's more emotional support you want- perhaps you can tell her you are REALLY struggling. I suppose you could say that you have had suicidal ideation in the past and you feel as if those feelings are coming back. That would express just how badly you feel but maybe it would make it more manageable for her. Rather than something to panic about.

It's very lonely being suicidal. I was actually quite amazed in a recent poll just how many people hadn't told anyone how they feel. That's a huge burden to carry alone. It's so sad that we aren't more able to talk about these things. I wish you all the best- whatever you decide.

 

[UKscotty]

Only you can decide.

For me, definitely not though. I feel it would be unfair to burden anyone, especially someone who is sick. I wouldn't put someone in that situation just so I could feel better temporarily.