Help Should I do ctb??

[absee123]

I am "18" and in 8th grade. I am on the autism spectrum and is suspected to have bpd. I am miserable I haven't felt a emotion in a while. I have never made a true friend. I have never been good at anything. I always give up. I hate myself. My last chance is hoping high school is better than middle school. I am giving up. I will copy and paste my vent here to give you and idea of what I'm dealing with :

That's not me, I am just an entity with some level of dpi sipuse was. Fin hates me I don't care. I feel like a god with no powers watching their world crumble. How did this happen. I was doing so good. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN. It isn't fair it is t fair it isn't FAIR. I WAS SUPPOSED TK BE GOOD. THIS WAS NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. AAAAAAA. I was supposed to be Tucker. I guess the ever moving cycle of time had other things. Time moves as an unlovable force as I stay behind, my consciousness and personality left behind. I am pathetic I am useless. My parents are delusional. They don't see their failure. They don't see it. I just want to be in another world. J am already in another one though. My brain is already there. Cool. That's great.shrug. I feel like an angel watching the world crumble. I feel like an inventor watching their invention falling apart. Knowing there is nothing they can do about it. The others offer sympathetic stares and moments of peace but I know that's not what they want. The worst part about all this is, I am objectively broken. I live avoid life . ITS INSIDE MY HEAD. I stare myself in the eyes and ruin everything. The world is crumbling around me. I'm just a child. I'm scared. I want to scream. SOMETHING NEE IS WRING WUTH ME Hhh hub. It's ok, it will turn out ok, right? I just finished therapy. Everything is insigninifagt. I don't recognize anything, the days blend to get her and I scared. I don't know what to say and I just feel upset. I don't know what's going on. QWEÈÉÊËĒĖĘRTYŸUÛÜÙÚŪIÎÏÏÍĪĮÌOÔÖÒÓŒØŌÕPAÀÁÂÄÆÃÅĀSŚŠDFGHJKLŁZXCÇĆČVBNÑŃM

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I am walking away. I am not home. I will make it. I am gone. I am watching. I am a ghost. The world is grey and I am not real. I am fading. I falling. I am done. My misery is something created by me. I have no reason to exist. The only versions of me is a dark secluded heart, a disgusting Frankenstein of other peoples. This world and perception is all fake. I have no gaurentee evertythings real, and subsequently everybody knows that. But tries to ignore the cruel truth of there own making, we like to worry but there is no reason too. Death is nothing to be scared of. It is just another life. I have surpasses the bounds of the human mind. I see the world that I have created and I see that in the end it's insignificant, so have fun while you can. Before we die and go to our destined eternal state. I just realized that gravity is always pulling us down, always hurting our leg muscles. We are completely unaware yet we know it's hurting us. But if we floated for a moment, free of that force. It would hurt beyond our understanding. I'm not sure what's worse. Living in the constant state of gravity pushing us down or the strategy of knowing what it feels like to float but not being able to do it forever.


Ok back now that was intense right?? I have tried to ctb before but I just can't. My mom loves me but and I know it. Even though she's taken away all social media I know she love me. She's told me she would ctb if I ctb. Should I ctb?

 

[Jezzibell]

Thats not a question you can ask anyone to make on your behalf. It is your choice.

 

[absee123]

Thats not a question you can ask anyone to make on your behalf. It is your choice.

NOOOOO

 

[EmpathyMinded]

I am "18" and in 8th grade. I am on the autism spectrum and is suspected to have bpd. I am miserable I haven't felt a emotion in a while. I have never made a true friend. I have never been good at anything. I always give up. I hate myself. My last chance is hoping high school is better than middle school. I am giving up. I will copy and paste my vent here to give you and idea of what I'm dealing with :

That's not me, I am just an entity with some level of dpi sipuse was. Fin hates me I don't care. I feel like a god with no powers watching their world crumble. How did this happen. I was doing so good. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN. It isn't fair it is t fair it isn't FAIR. I WAS SUPPOSED TK BE GOOD. THIS WAS NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. AAAAAAA. I was supposed to be Tucker. I guess the ever moving cycle of time had other things. Time moves as an unlovable force as I stay behind, my consciousness and personality left behind. I am pathetic I am useless. My parents are delusional. They don't see their failure. They don't see it. I just want to be in another world. J am already in another one though. My brain is already there. Cool. That's great.shrug. I feel like an angel watching the world crumble. I feel like an inventor watching their invention falling apart. Knowing there is nothing they can do about it. The others offer sympathetic stares and moments of peace but I know that's not what they want. The worst part about all this is, I am objectively broken. I live avoid life . ITS INSIDE MY HEAD. I stare myself in the eyes and ruin everything. The world is crumbling around me. I'm just a child. I'm scared. I want to scream. SOMETHING NEE IS WRING WUTH ME Hhh hub. It's ok, it will turn out ok, right? I just finished therapy. Everything is insigninifagt. I don't recognize anything, the days blend to get her and I scared. I don't know what to say and I just feel upset. I don't know what's going on. QWEÈÉÊËĒĖĘRTYŸUÛÜÙÚŪIÎÏÏÍĪĮÌOÔÖÒÓŒØŌÕPAÀÁÂÄÆÃÅĀSŚŠDFGHJKLŁZXCÇĆČVBNÑŃM

QWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNM

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

I am walking away. I am not home. I will make it. I am gone. I am watching. I am a ghost. The world is grey and I am not real. I am fading. I falling. I am done. My misery is something created by me. I have no reason to exist. The only versions of me is a dark secluded heart, a disgusting Frankenstein of other peoples. This world and perception is all fake. I have no gaurentee evertythings real, and subsequently everybody knows that. But tries to ignore the cruel truth of there own making, we like to worry but there is no reason too. Death is nothing to be scared of. It is just another life. I have surpasses the bounds of the human mind. I see the world that I have created and I see that in the end it's insignificant, so have fun while you can. Before we die and go to our destined eternal state. I just realized that gravity is always pulling us down, always hurting our leg muscles. We are completely unaware yet we know it's hurting us. But if we floated for a moment, free of that force. It would hurt beyond our understanding. I'm not sure what's worse. Living in the constant state of gravity pushing us down or the strategy of knowing what it feels like to float but not being able to do it forever.


Ok back now that was intense right?? I have tried to ctb before but I just can't. My mom loves me but and I know it. Even though she's taken away all social media I know she love me. She's told me she would ctb if I ctb. Should I ctb?

If you are undecided, then don't do anything for now. This needs to be your choice, not one anyone else makes for you or encourages you to do one thing or another. Take your time to think it through.

I would also say that you are young enough that I do think making this decision now is rushing things a bit. When I was your age circumstances were constantly changing. A lot of what bothers you today may not tomorrow; or there may just be more bad new things. You don't know. Think of it like you are a detective and your life is the case. You want to gather all the evidence you can before you take any action. You seem like a smart kid, so I bet you can do a good job of that.

And for what it's worth, don't beat yourself up about struggling with autism. It doesn't make you less human, just different. There's nothing wrong with you. Ignore anyone that makes you feel like there is. You have a value in you that they can't take from you no matter what. If you stay or if you CTB, you will always have that. So never let anyone make you feel worthless. You aren't.

 

[absee123]

If you are undecided, then don't do anything for now. This needs to be your choice, not one anyone else makes for you or encourages you to do one thing or another. Take your time to think it through.

I would also say that you are young enough that I do think making this decision now is rushing things a bit. When I was your age circumstances were constantly changing. A lot of what bothers you today may not tomorrow; or there may just be more bad new things. You don't know. Think of it like you are a detective and your life is the case. You want to gather all the evidence you can before you take any action. You seem like a smart kid, so I bet you can do a good job of that.

And for what it's worth, don't beat yourself up about struggling with autism. It doesn't make you less human, just different. There's nothing wrong with you. Ignore anyone that makes you feel like there is. You have a value in you that they can't take from you no matter what. If you stay or if you CTB, you will always have that. So never let anyone make you feel worthless. You aren't.

Wow thanks that really really helped /gen

 

[Jezzibell]

I think you are clearly distressed and that means its not the time for you to decide. I read every word and I see your turmoil and frustration. Things turn around but you have to give them a chance. I really am sorry for your internal conflict and the pain you are in. Its a shame therapy has ended because you need a rational voice to work through this dark time. Do not make a hasty decision. There is a life out there for you xx.

 

[Linda]

Nobody here will ever tell you that you should ctb. Usually nobody will tell you that you shouldn't either, though there may be exceptions to that if it appears that you may be about to act impulsively or without adequate thought. It is your decision, and it can only ever be your decision.

 

[sadToast]

making a choice like that in a moment of distress is never good and usually it can only lead to more pain. i suggest, though it never feels the best, to let yourself grow a bit more and get through some things. Like how you said you would be starting high school maybe wait a bit , or at least until you are less manic and overwhelmed. personally thats the best time to make a decision like that. your mind is still learning and growing and you have plenty of time <3 some days will be harder than others but this forum is a good place to be when feeling alone (at least it has been for me)

 

[EmpathyMinded]

Wow thanks that really really helped /gen

I'm glad it could mean something for you. Sending lots of love.

 

[absee123]

making a choice like that in a moment of distress is never good and usually it can only lead to more pain. i suggest, though it never feels the best, to let yourself grow a bit more and get through some things. Like how you said you would be starting high school maybe wait a bit , or at least until you are less manic and overwhelmed. personally thats the best time to make a decision like that. your mind is still learning and growing and you have plenty of time <3 some days will be harder than others but this forum is a good place to be when feeling alone (at least it has been for me)

WHATS A MANIX LOL.

 

[howl pendragon]

Im really sorry that all seems so hard and so heavy rn @absee123

But this should not be an impulse decision or taken by anyone but you. Take your time, breath, walk throught this moment, and after some time, think about what you really want.

If you have doubts, maybe it is not the moment. If you have doubts, maybe there are other ways.

 

[absee123]

Im really sorry that all seems so hard and so heavy rn @absee123

But this should not be an impulse decision or taken by anyone but you. Take your time, breath, walk throught this moment, and after some time, think about what you really want.

If you have doubts, maybe it is not the moment. If you have doubts, maybe there are other ways.

Do you think I'm sizophernix? Ik it's weird but like whatttttaatatatta

 

[sadToast]

WHATS A MANIX LOL.

manic is just another word meaning "wild" or "energetic" assuming you werent in the best headspace to make intense decisions

 

[howl pendragon]

And for what it's worth, don't beat yourself up about struggling with autism. It doesn't make you less human, just different.

Also, that. You are valid, no matter how your brain works @absee123
It sucks not being able to work life as easily as others, because society is not made for different people, they try to put everyone in the same box. But to help with this a bit, maybe try to look for other autistic people, share experiences, try coping mecanisms, watch videos about it.

 

[FuneralCry]

I don't think you understand the point of this site. It's a pro choice forum to respect people's decisions that they've already chosen for themselves rather than telling them what to do. I never understand the people who want strangers to make the decision for them, whether to ctb or not is up to the individual, none of us can experience existence the same way.

 

[howl pendragon]

Do you think I'm sizophernix? Ik it's weird but like whatttttaatatatta

I can not say that, a diagnose takes time, background history and a bit of professional knowledge. Even if usualy is hard to find good professionals, if you haven't tried that, may be an option to try.

 

[endofafoxtwo]

I am "18" and in 8th grade. I am on the autism spectrum and is suspected to have bpd. (...) Should I ctb?

Nobody here can or will tell you what to do in this regard, and if they do they should be banned.

 

[howl pendragon]

I don't think you understand the point of this site. It's a pro choice forum to respect people's decisions that they've already chosen for themselves rather than telling other people what to do. I never understand the people who want strangers to make the decision for them, whether to ctb or not is up to the individual, none of us can experience existence the same way.

Sometimes people need a place to put it all out, OP seems in a bit of a overwhelming moment rn...

 

[whywere]

Hi!

Short and long answer to your question is a huge NO. to start out with I am 67, reference point and I have had 2 attempts and I so agree with the other folks here that you are having a difficult time right now and that you should step back and think.

I have always been prochoice in everything in life and ctb is no different in that accord, but the one aspect to always keep in mind is one and done, never ever any do overs ever.

When I look back at my 2 attempts, especially the 2nd one, that is when I caught my ex, who has a HUGE gambling issue cheating on me with finances, she had drained the checking account with her slot machine issues and I tried to end it all and like I said, looking back it was a knee jerk reaction without any given thought to it.

You are a kind, smart and loving soul, your post says those aspect so loud and clear and I for one, really want you here, as this is the 1st time for me to have a family and I consider you family and want the best for you.

Sending you lots of long-distance huge hugs, love and the knowledge that you are a very valuable human to me and so many others.

Walter

 

[absee123]

Hi!

Short and long answer to your question is a huge NO. to start out with I am 67, reference point and I have had 2 attempts and I so agree with the other folks here that you are having a difficult time right now and that you should step back and think.

I have always been prochoice in everything in life and ctb is no different in that accord, but the one aspect to always keep in mind is one and done, never ever any do overs ever.

When I look back at my 2 attempts, especially the 2nd one, that is when I caught my ex, who has a HUGE gambling issue cheating on me with finances, she had drained the checking account with her slot machine issues and I tried to end it all and like I said, looking back it was a knee jerk reaction without any given thought to it.

You are a kind, smart and loving soul, your post says those aspect so loud and clear and I for one, really want you here, as this is the 1st time for me to have a family and I consider you family and want the best for you.

Sending you lots of long-distance huge hugs, love and the knowledge that you are a very valuable human to me and so many others.

Walter

your the best Walter. Walter white breaking bad hahahahhah

 

[CentreMid]

I'm very sorry you're distressed. Unfortunately, this is something you'll need to decide for yourself. We'll be here to support you if you need any info on methods and whatnot but as for whether or not you should or shouldn't, that's up to you and you alone.

Best of luck in whatever you choose.