shifting

[spoiledsick]

does anyone else ever feel like they have died so many times already? keep feeling like every time i die, i shift to another timeline where i survived. just to die again. to endure more pain. life is hell. hell is earth. endless loop of suffering.

edit: to add, i think i have experience a couple of strokes/heart attacks in my life. recent info that period pain is equally as painful as a heart attack, plus my personal high tolerance for pain, makes me suspect this was the case (plus family health history of stroke/heart attack), going steadily more insane since each occasion, idk. something is wrong with me. i just don't want to feel so alone in this. just providing some info for anyone who cares. ugh idk!!

 

[donealready]

Endless loop of suffering, definitely. I keep repeating the same patterns of behaviour, get into the same dynamics with different people... it's exhausting.

 

[spoiledsick]

Endless loop of suffering, definitely. I keep repeating the same patterns of behaviour, get into the same dynamics with different people... it's exhausting.

same, same, exactly the same. can't break the loop, the cycle. going psycho.

 

[bed]

there's a thought experiment depicting exactly what you're describing called Quantum suicide and immortality.

 

[spoiledsick]

there's a thought experiment depicting exactly what you're describing called Quantum suicide and immortality.

THANK YOU. will look into this. not sure there is a difference between death and immortal, tbh. this is intriguing.

 

[Ginnn]

Imagine if everyone is the same person reincarnating over and over again

 

[spoiledsick]

Imagine if everyone is the same person reincarnating over and over again

yesss i have read this creepypasta

 

[Per Ardua Ad Astra]

@spoiledsick — thank you for posting this

YES — so very eerily similar — including your EDIT info ?!

+ especially since 2x failed ODs this past year — repeated loop of intense suffering every single day— except now has become very narrow torturous and decaying existence

Aura migraines/ seizures last week hoped might finally take me out

Just praying to be struck down in my sleep every night

Quantum suicide / immortality / multiverse— as per Dr Everett ?

 

[SectOfValtiel]

theres definitely a part of me that thinks i must have been a much much worse person in a past life to end up in this one like
maybe theres some solace in believing its just karma, just living out a sentence, because at least that applies some meaning to the pain
but thats not exactly what you mean

i dont necessarily think ive died, but
i do feel like ive slowly lost parts of me- my soul, my heart, whatever you want to call it, every time i lost a good friend or especially losing my ex
like something inside left with them
and the more impactful, the more attached i was, the bigger the piece that was lost
i think i used to have a lot of personality, but after these past few years i feel like theres so little left that i cant even really tell who i am anymore
before i figured out what the *actual* meaning of the term 'little deaths' was lmao, thats what i used to think it meant
having these drastic, extremely emotionally painful events happen and losing parts of yourself because of it

yeah in reality thats probably just a sign of my depression getting worse, leading to more isolation, leading to more depression as the cycle continues, etc etc
but its food for thought

 

[spoiledsick]

theres definitely a part of me that thinks i must have been a much much worse person in a past life to end up in this one like
maybe theres some solace in believing its just karma, just living out a sentence, because at least that applies some meaning to the pain
but thats not exactly what you mean

i dont necessarily think ive died, but
i do feel like ive slowly lost parts of me- my soul, my heart, whatever you want to call it, every time i lost a good friend or especially losing my ex
like something inside left with them
and the more impactful, the more attached i was, the bigger the piece that was lost
i think i used to have a lot of personality, but after these past few years i feel like theres so little left that i cant even really tell who i am anymore
before i figured out what the *actual* meaning of the term 'little deaths' was lmao, thats what i used to think it meant
having these drastic, extremely emotionally painful events happen and losing parts of yourself because of it

yeah in reality thats probably just a sign of my depression getting worse, leading to more isolation, leading to more depression as the cycle continues, etc etc
but its food for thought

yeah karma is a part of it for sure i am thinking but who knows, i have been wrong a million times before, i will be wrong a million times again. i know nothing. v v isolated as well bby, i feel u.

@spoiledsick — thank you for posting this

YES — so very eerily similar — including your EDIT info ?!

+ especially since 2x failed ODs this past year — repeated loop of intense suffering every single day— except now has become very narrow torturous and decaying existence

Aura migraines/ seizures last week hoped might finally take me out

Just praying to be struck down in my sleep every night

Quantum suicide / immortality / multiverse— as per Dr Everett ?

Dr Everett?? Not familiar w this.. I also experience aura migraines as well. Will pray for ur peaceful sleep.

 

[Per Ardua Ad Astra]

Dr Everett?? Not familiar w this.. I also experience aura migraines as well. Will pray for ur peaceful sleep.

1. Thank you very much for your kind prayers

2. May I ask— more about your stroke symptoms?
Any physical/ mobility issues ?


3. Dr Hugh Everett = Quantum Immortality/ Multiverse theorem — Way way ahead of his time as Physicist.

Somehow "Quantum Immortality theory" morphed/ relates to creepy karmic "thought experiment of quantum suicide".


4. I swear I've died multiple times since my nightmare began during rushed relocation to this hellhole adopted country 6+ years ago.
Was supposed to be delayed by 2 months and I am 100% certain I would have never suffered this tortured twisted timeline/ descent into horror.

It started with first ever forced cold turkey from a script dangerous medicine.
And then ER forced more dangerous meds I had no informed consent while suffering cold turkey — turned out to be infamous Benzo and Opioid combo. Spouse actually thought I was dying as I didn't open eyes until he got nervous 12 hours later and on the phone hovering over me.

And then felt like I died again on the relocation flight overseas — as every day/ week/ month/ year —since arriving here in hell has been a catalogue of catastrophes. Devastating consequences.

But infinitely worse since deliberate and desperate attempts "to escape" by ctb/ OD.

You're not alone

I'm well aware my experience sounds nuts — but just can't fathom such intense/ surreal / absurd / repetitive/ diabolical "malpractice" — at the hands of local medical professionals.
(It's a very small town in a rural region).

And there's no end in sight.
And it's spilled over / destroyed every aspect of my so called life.
It's terrifying.



PS: Everett family story includes suicide (not Dr Everett - he died of heart attack).

Wiki has the basics.

His only surviving family— his son — became musician— The Eels — I learned about his brilliant Dad via his music.


Prayers to you too

Sincere thanks to anyone for reading this far — I don't post much here because I m already severely stigmatized / triggered / traumatized IRL.

 

[wait.what]

His only surviving family— his son — became musician— The Eels — I learned about his brilliant Dad via his music.

Holy shit … as in "Electro-Shock Blues?" The Eels are (is?) great. I didn't know anything about the musician's family except that his sister ctb.

 

[spoiledsick]

1. Thank you very much for your kind prayers

2. May I ask— more about your stroke symptoms?
Any physical/ mobility issues ?


3. Dr Hugh Everett = Quantum Immortality/ Multiverse theorem — Way way ahead of his time as Physicist.

Somehow "Quantum Immortality theory" morphed/ relates to creepy karmic "thought experiment of quantum suicide".


4. I swear I've died multiple times since my nightmare began during rushed relocation to this hellhole adopted country 6+ years ago.
Was supposed to be delayed by 2 months and I am 100% certain I would have never suffered this tortured twisted timeline/ descent into horror.

It started with first ever forced cold turkey from a script dangerous medicine.
And then ER forced more dangerous meds I had no informed consent while suffering cold turkey — turned out to be infamous Benzo and Opioid combo. Spouse actually thought I was dying as I didn't open eyes until he got nervous 12 hours later and on the phone hovering over me.

And then felt like I died again on the relocation flight overseas — as every day/ week/ month/ year —since arriving here in hell has been a catalogue of catastrophes. Devastating consequences.

But infinitely worse since deliberate and desperate attempts "to escape" by ctb/ OD.

You're not alone

I'm well aware my experience sounds nuts — but just can't fathom such intense/ surreal / absurd / repetitive/ diabolical "malpractice" — at the hands of local medical professionals.
(It's a very small town in a rural region).

And there's no end in sight.
And it's spilled over / destroyed every aspect of my so called life.
It's terrifying.



PS: Everett family story includes suicide (not Dr Everett - he died of heart attack).

Wiki has the basics.

His only surviving family— his son — became musician— The Eels — I learned about his brilliant Dad via his music.


Prayers to you too

Sincere thanks to anyone for reading this far — I don't post much here because I m already severely stigmatized / triggered / traumatized IRL.

i am an unreliable narrator due to being raised by a narcissist and don't trust my own memories/experience. gaslit my whole childhood so i confuse myself often. take everything i say with a grain of salt (i wouldn't trust myself either). plus poor memory from lifelong depression, and after each of these episodes my memory has gotten worse.

but what i remember is extreme pain in my calf, leg turning blue, lips blue, dizziness, confusion, weakness, short of breath. only remember my husband walking me to the bed, passed out from pain. think that may have been a mini heart attack. had heart palpitations my whole life, never told anyone or any doctor about it, who knows.

other theory is blood clot, and every time a piece breaks loose i experience some type of episode like this.

what i think was a stroke was preceded by worst aura migraine / most intense rainbows / lights i have seen, then huge wave of nausea, chest pain, entire right side of my body going numb, difficulty walking/maintaining balance, confusion, weakness, tiredness. i just remember being at work and not being able to keep myself up anymore, slumped down along the wall and sat on the bathroom floor for what felt like forever. when i was finally able to muster enough strength to get up, i left work early, and almost stopped on the drive home to call an ambulance. been experiencing lack of strength on that side of my body ever since then (thankfully i am left-handed so i am still able to get many things done 'normally' hence nobody has taken my experience too seriously).

i look back at picture of myself shortly after these attacks and notice a slight droop on one side of my face. don't think it's noticeable to anyone else since i was already fucking ugly, so nobody cares that i looked weirder and worse than usual.

the overall effect has been on my brain, a ramping up of synchronicities, increase in aura migraines, poetry that never shuts off inside my head and drives me crazy, worsening paranoia, difficulty with concentration, suddenly having dreams where entire blueprints for houses are downloaded into my head and i wake up in the morning compelled to sketch the floorplans. doesn't make any sense. not that life ever did, but it has become increasingly more surreal.

i am so sorry you have suffered this greatly at the hands of the doctors that were supposed to be there to help. though i have not had the same experience as you, i too have a deep distrust of the medical industry, since i was molested by my pediatrician when i was five, and have had a fear of doctors ever since, which makes it hard for me to get any kind of care for myself (mental or physical). also my husband has chronic illness since his childhood and i have seen him subjected to horrible neglect/abuse/racism from the doctors who have 'treated' him. feels like there is no hope for so many of us.

i will keep you and all here in my prayers, that you find peace, that there is relief from the pain, the torture, the suffering.