Help Shifting my thinking doesn't help

[cosifantutti]

For 6 months of this year I felt terrible and wanted to die. I was obsessed with the idea that I mustn't kill myself and I felt totally trapped.

I've just had a couple of good months. In that time I decided if I had to ctb that was acceptable. It all felt good because my mood was good. On Monday I woke up as bad as ever, this time with my new attitude to ctb. I thought it would help knowing I could go one day. But although it's different it's just as bad. I'd told myself to live for the next ten years because there will have been changes for my family that would make it more bearable. Now I am shifting it, maybe soon and I'm scaring myself. I don't know if I can put it in a box saying, open in 2033. I think the idea that I can do it doesn't give me the relief I expected, probably because the whole thing of ctb scares me.

I really don't want to ctb right now but the idea keeps presenting itself.

 

[Inthewind]

For 6 months of this year I felt terrible and wanted to die. I was obsessed with the idea that I mustn't kill myself and I felt totally trapped.

I've just had a couple of good months. In that time I decided if I had to ctb that was acceptable. It all felt good because my mood was good. On Monday I woke up as bad as ever, this time with my new attitude to ctb. I thought it would help knowing I could go one day. But although it's different it's just as bad. I'd told myself to live for the next ten years because there will have been changes for my family that would make it more bearable. Now I am shifting it, maybe soon and I'm scaring myself. I don't know if I can put it in a box saying, open in 2033. I think the idea that I can do it doesn't give me the relief I expected, probably because the whole thing of ctb scares me.

I really don't want to ctb right now but the idea keeps presenting itself.

It's okay to have moments. And, it's okay to reach out for more support. I always liked the phrase, its okay, it just always sounds so comforting. Oh, I just realized your profile looks like my dog. Thats silly, you can always have your method plan prepared, when you really want to but it seems your not ready yet mentally because your scared and thats okay. You can put it under your bed in a corner so you wont think about it too much or burry it. You can do it whenver, so dont rush of course. Right now, try find your good groove again since things were doing well until recently. We get that rock bottom feeling every now and again and gets tough to get that motivation or good feeling again. It took months for me to feel good again, sleeping most of the time when not working until I just randomly had energy again, and felt neutral but better than before, hopefully you get that sort of good feeling again aswell.

 

[wait.what]

Has anyone ever suggested that you had symptoms of OCD? People who have that issue sometimes get fixated on a fear. It can even be a fixation on the idea that their fear is their only protection against committing some desperate act that terrifies them.

I see this phenomenon fairly often among "questioning" folks in LGBTQ spaces. They say things like, "I know I'm not gay, but what if I'm just tricking myself and I really am gay…?" For the record, if it were possible to trick someone into desire and romantic love, both marital counseling and love potions would be a lot more effective than they are. Fears that arise from magical thinking are no more likely to be true than hopes that spring from magical thinking.

OCD is one of those things that medication sometimes helps. No guarantees, obviously, but it might be worth talking to your doctor about it. They're less likely to throw you in the bin if you're willing to "contract for safety," which is more or less an elaborate pinkie promise between you and the doc.

 

[cosifantutti]

Has anyone ever suggested that you had symptoms of OCD? People who have that issue sometimes get fixated on a fear. It can even be a fixation on the idea that their fear is their only protection against committing some desperate act that terrifies them.

I see this phenomenon fairly often among "questioning" folks in LGBTQ spaces. They say things like, "I know I'm not gay, but what if I'm just tricking myself and I really am gay…?" For the record, if it were possible to trick someone into desire and romantic love, both marital counseling and love potions would be a lot more effective than they are. Fears that arise from magical thinking are no more likely to be true than hopes that spring from magical thinking.

OCD is one of those things that medication sometimes helps. No guarantees, obviously, but it might be worth talking to your doctor about it. They're less likely to throw you in the bin if you're willing to "contract for safety," which is more or less an elaborate pinkie promise between you and the doc.

Well yes you're right. I've been told I have obsessive rumination and what you describe is exactly how it is. I get meds, I don't know if they help or not. In the past I've had success with a couple of Meds but they stopped working.

Thank you for your accurate diagnosis lol

It's okay to have moments. And, it's okay to reach out for more support. I always liked the phrase, its okay, it just always sounds so comforting. Oh, I just realized your profile looks like my dog. Thats silly, you can always have your method plan prepared, when you really want to but it seems your not ready yet mentally because your scared and thats okay. You can put it under your bed in a corner so you wont think about it too much or burry it. You can do it whenver, so dont rush of course. Right now, try find your good groove again since things were doing well until recently. We get that rock bottom feeling every now and again and gets tough to get that motivation or good feeling again. It took months for me to feel good again, sleeping most of the time when not working until I just randomly had energy again, and felt neutral but better than before, hopefully you get that sort of good feeling again aswell.

Thanks for your comforting advice. That's my daughter's boxer dog. He's very lively. We watch him for a couple of days a week.