Nightmare
Devil
- Sep 15, 2018
- 109
there has been so many traumas in my life, i did work too much for nothing, i were asked for too much and im still asked for too much, i feel no security, there's no guidance for me... i need a guidance that will ensure my future if i follow it, my studies which will lead to my work, i need them organized by a guidance to have some comfort that im not working for nothing, i need to live in a place where i feel security and debtless which is impossible in syria, i need to get away from my sorrow reason which has been my family since the start by their abusive treatment, i need to get away from people that treats me like a peasant because it makes me feel pitiful which makes me want to suicide, i need to be happy since i believe that we live only to try and have fun but i just find that my life is not designed for me to be happy and im trying to make a new one in which i could be happy, my body has went through too much and took too many medicines given by bad doctors considering that my situation got worse after i forcefully went for the hospital the first time, all i wanted was to get away from those that treated me badly and abused my weaknesses and always forced me to be something i do not want to be,when i couldnt get that i have decided suicide but no one cared about what i wanted and i were manipulated and still not helped to fix my main problems which caused even more harm than there were already...
i dont trust my family and i despise them because of how much pain they caused to me even if they change now its meaningless because im suffering day and night for what they have done to me and there's nothing they can do to pay me back, they are not even willing to pay me back and they act like im meant to just put everything behind and move on
for everything im getting blamed, but never have i been given the chance to work on the environment that im trying to get
i seem to have many psychological problems like insomnia and social anexity and obsessive compulsive disorder, psychotic disorders, breathing problems and nausea, i never get enough rest and im always sad, even the activities that used to attract me before are far less effective now
there needs to be a great investment on me to fix me and that discourages me... it has been very unfair to me and i accepted to die but i still dont find a way to die no matter how hard i worked to find one, its about surpassing my survival instinct and the suicide methods that would work out for this are not available for me
the only way for me to start a new life is to migrate and seek asylum in a western country as my stupid family should have helped me in doing instead of always breaking my mentality, abusing me and humiliating me, kicking me out of house, threatening me with jail and mental hospital, seriously what environment is this? they never allowed me to do anything that is fun, they never let me drink or have sex or upgrade my computer or do any activity that is actually a source of joy and what used to make me feel happy which is my low quality computer, they have despised it and always despised me for using it,i swear their face expressions especially my dad's ones turns angry if they see me laughing or smiling and he rushes to ruin my mood instantly with his toxic words, instead they made me work at an early age and made sure i feel threatened with responsabilities since i were a child,they interfered with my religious freedom and even most of our problems were about that shitty religion called islam because most of muslims including my family are stupid people who lives to worship and dominate others and force others to be like their pathetic selves, i literally used to get insulted hard(example: you are a dog and a cockroach that worthes nothing and must listen to whatever i say, you cant say no to me whatever i tell you to do or i fuck you up slave dog, and if i still refused he attacked me and if i resisted or blocked a hit he starts to claim that im attacking him and kicks me out of the house while also insulting me and breaking my mentality for the period until i leave) imagine all of that all because i rejected to go to mosque for a prayer or whatever stupid reason its, the treatment i have got were as if they despised me, they treated me so badly and always threatened me... they caused all of that pain i feel now... now my life is impossible unless i get asylum in the west, every solution i tried to think of has not worked, i need asylum or i cannot move on and cannot live and i deserve it because i have been getting terrorized, forced to shut up and be a hypocrite pretending im fine or get punishment and crying alone my entire life, i also feel humiliated by the syrian government that treats us like cattles and i feel depressed because the people are too ignorant and submissive which makes them abusive to those that are harmless like me, i feel humiliated and as if im a slave sheep by the treatment and because i have to FORCEFULLY serve in the army where i will literally lose my life and be a total slave who cannot reject orders and must carry on humiliation for something that i do not believe in
and should i stop acting like a slave, i will be breaking the law and will get terrorized
seriously i dont want to live this life and it has never been even close to being fair and there is no alternative timeline that i can think of would have changed my reality, asylum or suicide are my options and i honestly dont mind either one
i dont trust my family and i despise them because of how much pain they caused to me even if they change now its meaningless because im suffering day and night for what they have done to me and there's nothing they can do to pay me back, they are not even willing to pay me back and they act like im meant to just put everything behind and move on
for everything im getting blamed, but never have i been given the chance to work on the environment that im trying to get
i seem to have many psychological problems like insomnia and social anexity and obsessive compulsive disorder, psychotic disorders, breathing problems and nausea, i never get enough rest and im always sad, even the activities that used to attract me before are far less effective now
there needs to be a great investment on me to fix me and that discourages me... it has been very unfair to me and i accepted to die but i still dont find a way to die no matter how hard i worked to find one, its about surpassing my survival instinct and the suicide methods that would work out for this are not available for me
the only way for me to start a new life is to migrate and seek asylum in a western country as my stupid family should have helped me in doing instead of always breaking my mentality, abusing me and humiliating me, kicking me out of house, threatening me with jail and mental hospital, seriously what environment is this? they never allowed me to do anything that is fun, they never let me drink or have sex or upgrade my computer or do any activity that is actually a source of joy and what used to make me feel happy which is my low quality computer, they have despised it and always despised me for using it,i swear their face expressions especially my dad's ones turns angry if they see me laughing or smiling and he rushes to ruin my mood instantly with his toxic words, instead they made me work at an early age and made sure i feel threatened with responsabilities since i were a child,they interfered with my religious freedom and even most of our problems were about that shitty religion called islam because most of muslims including my family are stupid people who lives to worship and dominate others and force others to be like their pathetic selves, i literally used to get insulted hard(example: you are a dog and a cockroach that worthes nothing and must listen to whatever i say, you cant say no to me whatever i tell you to do or i fuck you up slave dog, and if i still refused he attacked me and if i resisted or blocked a hit he starts to claim that im attacking him and kicks me out of the house while also insulting me and breaking my mentality for the period until i leave) imagine all of that all because i rejected to go to mosque for a prayer or whatever stupid reason its, the treatment i have got were as if they despised me, they treated me so badly and always threatened me... they caused all of that pain i feel now... now my life is impossible unless i get asylum in the west, every solution i tried to think of has not worked, i need asylum or i cannot move on and cannot live and i deserve it because i have been getting terrorized, forced to shut up and be a hypocrite pretending im fine or get punishment and crying alone my entire life, i also feel humiliated by the syrian government that treats us like cattles and i feel depressed because the people are too ignorant and submissive which makes them abusive to those that are harmless like me, i feel humiliated and as if im a slave sheep by the treatment and because i have to FORCEFULLY serve in the army where i will literally lose my life and be a total slave who cannot reject orders and must carry on humiliation for something that i do not believe in
and should i stop acting like a slave, i will be breaking the law and will get terrorized
seriously i dont want to live this life and it has never been even close to being fair and there is no alternative timeline that i can think of would have changed my reality, asylum or suicide are my options and i honestly dont mind either one
