Story Sharing My Problems

[GenericUsername]

I'm going to share a story of why I'm posting here today. I had been lurking for several months, then signed up for this website in case I wanted to share and now I'm at the point. I'll start from the beginning. Grab a snack. Settle in.

So, I met my friend in April of last year. She has since become one of my best friends. It's been the hardest friendship I have ever encountered. I've never worked harder for a friendship. There have been so many obstacles and now we are at an obstacle that is challenging. She is a dealer at a casino. I met her as a guest playing at her table. We had some connection that night and continued to chat the following days. I took a break for a month and then returned at the end of May and we picked up where we left off. I've been a regular before meeting her, but now I made a friend in such an impossible scenario. We somehow became friends while sitting at a full table with other guests, by sitting at an empty table talking, walking around with her on break and having personal conversations. We somehow made that work. Unfortunately, it's a casino. We had to deal with constant reminders about being careful around each other. Another bonus to the friendship was her being in a relationship for over 3 years. He was also a dealer. Fortunately, I knew him before meeting her, so we were okay. As my friend and I continued to talk while she worked, everybody became so intrigued in our business. Other dealers or supervisors would constantly ask her what our deal was or bring up her relationship, curious if anything was wrong. It made me feel like a burden. I was happy that I made a friend, but I had a constant reminder about us talking too much because everybody was so invested. I felt like I was a problem with her relationship, but we figured everything out and moved forward.

In August, we exchanged social media names so we could talk outside of the casino. Up to this point, we only talked while she was working. She shared her schedule in advance and I would just show up and play at the tables she was given while we continued to build our friendship. She was slowly learning about my depression and how that has been a part of my life. Now we could actually have more in-depth conversations and not work around other casino guests and dealers. We have talked every day since exchanging social media handles. She became my best friend through these conversations. I had someone that I completely trusted with everything that I could ever want to share. I could be completely honest with her. Sometimes too honest. There were some days we talked for all hours of the day. Unfortunately, that took time away from her boyfriend. So, we would try and limit our talking and eventually go back to talking non stop some days. We have a special bond.

In late November or early December, her boyfriend lost his job at the casino. That was a struggle with her. She had picked up another job already, so it was important she maintains them. I continued to see her at the casino and we had our ups and downs. Some losing days put a damper on our fun. We talked less throughout the day because of her two jobs. Her time was just really limited. We would still talk almost every morning with her commute though. So we still shared a lot of time together, but it continued changing. By the end of the year, we had hung out on a few occasions. Sometimes with her boyfriend and sometimes without him. So, our friendship was pretty normal except we met in such a crazy way. She and her boyfriend had also moved closer to me in December. She was about 10 minutes away opposed to being 40 minutes. So the new year seemed to have a lot of potential with our friendship.

Now onto 2020. It has been a miserable year for me. I had 2-3 bad casino days and my work hours were cut severely. That has made going to the casino put on hold. So, I no longer get to spend time with my friend in person. That's been a tough change. We had a normal and that has gone away. We don't get to message as much because she continues working two jobs and just trying to function like a normal person. She's been the rock of her household, so it's been a strain. I had some low moments in January with my depression. It's only a constant. She's my go-to person when I'm feeling down. She's that one person in my life that I can openly discuss my true feelings and problems and most times she makes me feel better. With her life the way it is, she hasn't been there for me like she normally has been though. She made a new friend at her second job. Probably similar to me, she began messaging him constantly throughout the day and just getting to know a new person in her life. That was basically me in August. I started to feel worse with the limited time that I had with her was going away to a new friend. I was happy she made a new friend. She's a really special person and just wants to help others the best way that she knows how. My life has been so much better with her involvement. She's helped through really low moments. We have a special bond.

So, Valentine's Day she took off work in the morning so she could do some errands. I tagged along since it had been so long since we got to be around each other. She wanted to make brownies for her boyfriend. They had been going through a rough patch with him being upset, so she wanted to do something nice. It didn't work out as planned though. He was still being distant. So, the following day my friend shared with me the conversation she had with her boyfriend. He put everything out there and I was a good portion of it. He brought up a lot of old situations along with current ones. One, I didn't know about it but she sometimes lied when she would hang out with me. Obviously that is wrong and makes our friendship look suspect even though nothing has ever happened. He felt like she put me over him at certain points, which is probably about our messaging conversations. We would talk for several hours, so he probably did feel neglected. He was upset about us talking on her work breaks. Mainly for the potential of us getting in trouble, but he asked her to stop and we would take breaks but at some point talk again. She would give me rides home after she was done working, which he didn't care about but cautious of us getting into trouble. Some of those car rides we would just sit in front of my house in the car and talk. Just have life conversations and lose track of time. I suppose those were some instances when she lied, but I'm not positive. She never once blamed me. She accepted all of the blame because she was neglected some time with him and lied about us before. I think the tipping point was her new friend from work. Her boyfriend met him and he made a flirty comment or two towards her. Then he asked her if she ever made her feel uncomfortable before and she mentioned one time about a message he suggested they cuddle before going to yoga. So, I think that was the last straw with this new friend and digging up everything that ever bothered him about me. Ultimately, I think he just wanted to spend more time with her. He lost some trust with her that needs repairing, but she never did anything with me or her friend. Just looking at it as black and white probably bring up those red flags though.

And now I'm here. I have kept my distance in our messaging. I've stopped sharing my feelings and don't go to her when I normally would with an issue. I'm trying to do what I think is best. We did have a long conversation when I asked how she was on Wednesday and she wasn't doing well. She had a lot bothering her and I helped her through it the best way I could like she would always do for me. We are in such a weird spot with our friendship. It feels like I'm losing my best friend. Loneliness is a huge problem for me. It's one of my biggest struggles. I've been feeling that way without her. I hate that I was ever a problem with her relationship. I was just excited that I made a friend that I had a strong connection with. I have a few best friends, but none that I would ever share my depression with or suicidal thoughts. Everything was different from her though. I've always felt like I was never meant to be around in life. That I was misplaced and didn't belong. What she shared with me is another reason why I'd feel like that. If I never met her and became friends, all those issues in her relationship wouldn't have come up. Instead by existing I put a strain on a 4-year relationship because we became best friends and talked too much. It's such a lousy feeling. I don't really have anybody I can turn to as I deal with my depression and low moments. I'm giving her a break, so I don't take away time in her relationship. I'm really lonely without having that safety net, so I'm posting here. Sorry, it was a novel. I tend to write forever when I don't have an outlet. Thanks for taking the time to read.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

If I never met her and became friends, all those issues in her relationship wouldn't have come up. Instead by existing I put a strain on a 4-year relationship because we became best friends and talked too much. It's such a lousy feeling.

I'm sorry that you're missing your friend and struggling. But I think you're taking on way more than is yours to own. From my outside perspective, she was dishonest with her boyfriend, that put a strain on their relationship, not your existence. Whatever issues they have, you are on the perimeter, you are not inside the relationship. If you are inside it in some way, it's because their relationship doesn't have healthy boundaries, not because of you. I always trust red flags, and it sounds like there are a lot of them with her. That's not yours to own.

 

[GenericUsername]

If I never met her and became friends, all those issues in her relationship wouldn't have come up. Instead by existing I put a strain on a 4-year relationship because we became best friends and talked too much. It's such a lousy feeling.

I'm sorry that you're missing your friend and struggling. But I think you're taking on way more than is yours to own. From my outside perspective, she was dishonest with her boyfriend, that put a strain on their relationship, not your existence. Whatever issues they have, you are on the perimeter, you are not inside the relationship. If you are inside it in some way, it's because their relationship doesn't have healthy boundaries, not because of you. I always trust red flags, and it sounds like there are a lot of them with her. That's not yours to own.

I know I'm hard on myself. I've always been that way. I think the main problem starting was us messaging so often. Just a constant reminder. I think he wanted more time with her. Then especially when she added that second job, that eats up so much time. Just a hard balance. Just a stressful time since they just moved in December and she had been supporting them both plus a sibling. She always shared with him us hanging out. It was probably up to the point when she first took me home and stayed too long. Afterward just being afraid that he wouldn't want her to hang out with me anymore and she made a bad decision. I think he holds onto stuff too long and when he was finally ready to talk he just brought up everything that ever bothered him throughout our friendship. Some special conversations feel tainted now because it was at his expense probably. She just wanted to try and make my day better or get me through low moments. She never did blame me for a single thing as I mentioned. I just know I could have controlled situations too. Thanks for the input.

 

[seenthelight]

HI, GenericUsername II am glad you shared it
I think you found a very special person that you can connect to. I feel sad that you are now feeling alone and you might feel again as a burden to other people's life. You are not
My experience was that I was never that much of a burden to anybody else as they were mostly caring about themselves, but experiences vary.
I read a profound love, friendship, human to human love, but sometimes other parties are not confident enough to understand this and might feel threatened.
I know how much you miss the companionship and now how loneliness seems more bitter after the sweet taste of having someone to rely upon.
IMHO, you were right in giving her space. She has a 4-year relationship that she seems to want to make an effort to make it work. Your description of her goodness in liking to help other people makes me think that the best way to show how much she helped you would be showing her how much better she made you feel.
However, it is not something you would do for her - that would not work. It should be something you learned from her that you thought worth carry on living. A world that has good people like her must not be such a bad world after all.
True friendship never dies, but lives do drift apart and you might lose touch. Sometimes I meet my true friends after 10 years and feel like we never lost touch and we can carry on talking and being ourselves to each other. We spend the time we are having together catching up those 10 years.
It felt like you are on a rough patch again, being given hope of friendship and end up on loneliness. Once again have the rug pulled under your feet, but I see someone who found hope.
That might have been all that she was meant to be in your life, just to show that friendship and happiness exist. If you maybe take a bit of that bliss to fight the down patches, you might in 10 years meet her again to thank her how much she was important in your life.

 

[GenericUsername]

HI, GenericUsername II am glad you shared it
I think you found a very special person that you can connect to. I feel sad that you are now feeling alone and you might feel again as a burden to other people's life. You are not
My experience was that I was never that much of a burden to anybody else as they were mostly caring about themselves, but experiences vary.
I read a profound love, friendship, human to human love, but sometimes other parties are not confident enough to understand this and might feel threatened.
I know how much you miss the companionship and now how loneliness seems more bitter after the sweet taste of having someone to rely upon.
IMHO, you were right in giving her space. She has a 4-year relationship that she seems to want to make an effort to make it work. Your description of her goodness in liking to help other people makes me think that the best way to show how much she helped you would be showing her how much better she made you feel.
However, it is not something you would do for her - that would not work. It should be something you learned from her that you thought worth carry on living. A world that has good people like her must not be such a bad world after all.
True friendship never dies, but lives do drift apart and you might lose touch. Sometimes I meet my true friends after 10 years and feel like we never lost touch and we can carry on talking and being ourselves to each other. We spend the time we are having together catching up those 10 years.
It felt like you are on a rough patch again, being given hope of friendship and end up on loneliness. Once again have the rug pulled under your feet, but I see someone who found hope.
That might have been all that she was meant to be in your life, just to show that friendship and happiness exist. If you maybe take a bit of that bliss to fight the down patches, you might in 10 years meet her again to thank her how much she was important in your life.

I know I found a special person. I can be 100% honest with her about anything and I trust her with everything that I have ever shared. I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. Back to elementary school age. I'm 32 now. Throughout the school years, I could usually confide in one person. I'm not remotely an open person and usually keep everything to myself. At some point, I do have to talk to someone about my worries or struggles so I don't go crazy. With her, I could really share and have important conversations. It would really hurt to lose that bond. I'm not good at making friends. My communication skills are horrible.

We still talk. We have every day for the last 7 months. It's just been the casual how did your day go. How was work? Wednesday she really needed someone, so we did have a long conversation because that's been about the worst I have seen her. I"m just trying to let her dictate things and not being open about my constant struggles. Just so we don't get caught up in conversations while she is home. I don't have any friendships that are like that. My closest friends are all in a group chat. So I know about current updates.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

 

[seenthelight]

I know I found a special person. I can be 100% honest with her about anything and I trust her with everything that I have ever shared.[/

That is really very special. I found a soul mate and we have been together for 18 years. She is not perfect, her imperfections are the price I have to pay to have the good bits. I have been around. I had countless partners but saw in her something that caught my eye and despite all of her imperfections I still find her the most beautiful person around, therefore, I conclude I love her (although I still think that everyone else should find her the most beautiful person in the or the world or they are blind)

I'm not remotely an open person and usually keep everything to myself

That is the definition of an introvert. Stop thinking this is bad - that is how you are. You might envy extroverts, but they have their problems and a few might wish they were like you. Your circle will be smaller than theirs but will have quality over quantity (I know it feels like nill quantity so no quality at the moment)

At some point, I do have to talk to someone about my worries or struggles so I don't go crazy. With her, I could really share and have important conversations.

Yeah, but you have an emotional link to her. It would be better to talk to a money-grabbing independent professional, but a competent person that could make your emotional problems detached from a more significant relationship. I found very hard to find this professional. Some people say that they found one. I am keeping on trying.

It would really hurt to lose that bond.

You don't have to, but you might need to evaluate the strength of the bond. It is strong on your side, but from outsiders seems that it is not that same level of strength on her side (trying to invest in her broken stable relationship, keep looking for other 'lost causes'.) This is how it appears from your reports. I don't know you or your friend.

I'm not good at making friends. My communication skills are horrible.

That is the hair shirt that brings us all here. Stats should prove you are mostly an average in making friends and communication skills. The truth might be you are good at it, but your perception is all negative. Or you are right, your opinion and others perception agree your communication skills are horrible (though seemed OK to me) so it should be more like "I have this deficiency that I must learn to live with it' or "How I make my life better when I have this deficiency", but again I think you are not that bad or deficient.

I"m just trying to let her dictate things and not being open out my constant struggles. Just so we don't get caught up in conversations while she is home.

Let her dictate and not being open seems like red flags. True friends don't dictate and accept who you are.

My closest friends are all in a group chat.

Yeah, this is the world we live in. Am I your friend in this chat here? Are all the faceless messages you receive coming from true friends?
My true friends bring me chicken soup when I have a flue, run away and loudly tell me so when my belly ache producing unbearable farts but call me the next day to see if I am alright. Pat on my shoulder when I am on my knees down on the toilet throwing up my excesses without any judgment. I know I am lucky to have a couple of friends like that, as most people have none of at most one.
I feel she is very special to you. She did come to you when she was in a bad state, so you are also a rock for her, a shoulder that getting some cry seems to be no bother at all. Just be glad about the support you receive and thankful for the opportunity to payback and accept that you are not going to sleep or wake up next to her. At least it didn't sound like it in your OP.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Thank you for having the trouble of reading them and replying.
I feel like not worth the air I breathe and CTB would be for the best for the people around me, but if someone says 'thanks for sharing your thoughts' makes me feel that at least one person connected to me to say thanks. See how important you are? Even if the person you brought some light may not be worthy of it?