Story Share your story

[LupuZ8]

I wanted to make this thread just for anyone who wants to share their story. By sharing your stories people will see things and be like, heyy i have this to and sometimes this feeling of recognition can help to give you a better feeling that in fact we are not alone .

I'll start

Im a 21 year old man from Belgium. My life was fine till the age of 16 when I started noticing I had to repeat everything in my head and explain why I did certain things to show to myself that I didnt do them with evil intentions. I had to count and repeat and eventually while trying to block this it made it worse. I was in class and was like, ok this hour I cant Repeat but I felt so anxious then like something would happen, something really bad. I slept 1h a night for over 2 weeks and this was the Point i decided to tell my parents. I did and they were very supportive. They made me do all kind of test to see if something was wrong with my brains. Even tested for Tourretes but nothing. I decided Id use the Summer holidays to get myself together and that it would go away and it was just an episode. But boy I was wrong. It got worse and eventually I would say anything that came in my mind out loud. Id scream anything I was Thinking out loud. Couldnt go to school cause I was a distraction. The summer holidays were over and then at first it seemed to go well but around Christmas exams it all came back. Thats when I started to get suicidal. I expressed these Thoughts and went to a children mental hospital. I was 17 at the time. I did my time and it worked for a month or something till I actually attempted. It didnt work at all. Took my antidepressants all at once but nothing happened. Got back in the hospital this time for 5 weeks. Then after this I started school again and it went ok but again around Christmas I crashed again and attemped again with lots of paracetamol and other painkillers and alcohol and went to the hospital, this time i was vommiting lots of blood but I got better and was sent to a hospital for Adults. Was there for 2 Months, attempted several times but was kicked out when I tries to set myself on fire. But it was here I got my diagnosis of OCD. Finally an answer. I wanted to get treated for it but my parents said they were sick of my bullshit and as long as i lived with them i wouldnt go to another clinic,.not even a psychiatrist. Two years I ended up Living there without any help. Was told Daily how a burden I was. That it wouldve been better if I succeeded. That they all hate me because of my mental shit. They basically wanted me to die. So one day I decided enough and went to work only not to work. I went to a hotel and hopped from hotel to hotel till i was broke. Got sexuality assaulted in this time. And made the decision to try to get into a clinic again and at the age of 20 finally got back into it. I've been in a mental hospital for more then a year now and it doesnt really work. Thats when I found this forum and found people like me. Who are tired of this world and share the same vision. I will ctb in the near future with inert gasses. Will need some preparation but its worth it. This is a part of my story.

So what is your Stories. Id like to read them!!

Lots of love LupuZ

 

[deadtomorrow]

I'm 23, it all started, or should i say, it all ended when i was born
I was born with 2 facial deformities, one which makes one side of my face flatter than the other and one which makes my eyes smaller than what is normal, these along with other features, like my height (5'2), my race, and autism and OCD make me incredibly undesirable for women and unworthy of respect from men.
I've already tried 2 times to kill myself, all which failed, got me into psych wards and lots of medication, which gave me brain damage and killed my sex drive and most of my ability to feel pleasure.
I tried everything to flip my life around, trying religions and multiple other things, but nothing worked.
I know i will never be loved and experience the true happiness of reproducing and having a family, having fun messing around, a girlfriend, or friends. i don't deserve it as well.

 

[LupuZ8]

I'm 23, it all started, or should i say, it all ended when i was born
I was born with 2 facial deformities, one which makes one side of my face flatter than the other and one which makes my eyes smaller than what is normal, these along with other features, like my height (5'2), my race, and autism and OCD make me incredibly undesirable for women and unworthy of respect from men.
I've already tried 2 times to kill myself, all which failed, got me into psych wards and lots of medication, which gave me brain damage and killed my sex drive and most of my ability to feel pleasure.
I tried everything to flip my life around, trying religions and multiple other things, but nothing worked.
I know i will never be loved and experience the true happiness of reproducing and having a family, having fun messing around, a girlfriend, or friends. i don't deserve it as well.

Im very sorry to hear that. Everybody has the right to be loved. That must be so hard, wanting a family but knowing you wont. Everybody has someone out there waiting for them even though you dont know it yet. But I can believe how hard it has been for you. Even though we dont really know eachother. I love you and we all do here. You are worthy of all the love in the world.

Stay strong

 

[Heading to Darkness]

I'm 23, it all started, or should i say, it all ended when i was born
I was born with 2 facial deformities, one which makes one side of my face flatter than the other and one which makes my eyes smaller than what is normal, these along with other features, like my height (5'2), my race, and autism and OCD make me incredibly undesirable for women and unworthy of respect from men.
I've already tried 2 times to kill myself, all which failed, got me into psych wards and lots of medication, which gave me brain damage and killed my sex drive and most of my ability to feel pleasure.
I tried everything to flip my life around, trying religions and multiple other things, but nothing worked.
I know i will never be loved and experience the true happiness of reproducing and having a family, having fun messing around, a girlfriend, or friends. i don't deserve it as well.

i say two things
You have my respect for being so open on this site
Secondly beneath the skin we are all just bones
i feel for you take care

I wanted to make this thread just for anyone who wants to share their story. By sharing your stories people will see things and be like, heyy i have this to and sometimes this feeling of recognition can help to give you a better feeling that in fact we are not alone .

I'll start

Im a 21 year old man from Belgium. My life was fine till the age of 16 when I started noticing I had to repeat everything in my head and explain why I did certain things to show to myself that I didnt do them with evil intentions. I had to count and repeat and eventually while trying to block this it made it worse. I was in class and was like, ok this hour I cant Repeat but I felt so anxious then like something would happen, something really bad. I slept 1h a night for over 2 weeks and this was the Point i decided to tell my parents. I did and they were very supportive. They made me do all kind of test to see if something was wrong with my brains. Even tested for Tourretes but nothing. I decided Id use the Summer holidays to get myself together and that it would go away and it was just an episode. But boy I was wrong. It got worse and eventually I would say anything that came in my mind out loud. Id scream anything I was Thinking out loud. Couldnt go to school cause I was a distraction. The summer holidays were over and then at first it seemed to go well but around Christmas exams it all came back. Thats when I started to get suicidal. I expressed these Thoughts and went to a children mental hospital. I was 17 at the time. I did my time and it worked for a month or something till I actually attempted. It didnt work at all. Took my antidepressants all at once but nothing happened. Got back in the hospital this time for 5 weeks. Then after this I started school again and it went ok but again around Christmas I crashed again and attemped again with lots of paracetamol and other painkillers and alcohol and went to the hospital, this time i was vommiting lots of blood but I got better and was sent to a hospital for Adults. Was there for 2 Months, attempted several times but was kicked out when I tries to set myself on fire. But it was here I got my diagnosis of OCD. Finally an answer. I wanted to get treated for it but my parents said they were sick of my bullshit and as long as i lived with them i wouldnt go to another clinic,.not even a psychiatrist. Two years I ended up Living there without any help. Was told Daily how a burden I was. That it wouldve been better if I succeeded. That they all hate me because of my mental shit. They basically wanted me to die. So one day I decided enough and went to work only not to work. I went to a hotel and hopped from hotel to hotel till i was broke. Got sexuality assaulted in this time. And made the decision to try to get into a clinic again and at the age of 20 finally got back into it. I've been in a mental hospital for more then a year now and it doesnt really work. Thats when I found this forum and found people like me. Who are tired of this world and share the same vision. I will ctb in the near future with inert gasses. Will need some preparation but its worth it. This is a part of my story.

So what is your Stories. Id like to read them!!

Lots of love LupuZ

Thanks for sharing this life is cruel
i have shared my story on other parts of site as i'm counting the days till i ctb ive had a bad day today so will post after some sleep I hope we're all friends on here and its great to speak freely without criticism

 

[KillerIsMe]

I'm nuts and socially islolated and always have been. It's probably because I'm an only child and my parents fought a lot and got diovrced when I was like 8. My family also has a history of personality disorders, depression and substance abuse. It's the thought that It will always be me against the world, and I'm the one who's wrong, that really makes me want to CTB. I'm all alone here.

Living life without any of the good things, even my dignity, feels like slavery.

 

[Wigamoo]

im 19 years old. I just had to drop all mt college courses because I had to be hospitalized twice this past semester and it caused me to get really behind. Im freaking out because i feel like a stupid failure and i dont know where im going to end up in life. If i keep living, i have to keep struggling and going to school until I can do something and find a good job. Im scared im going to rot away and never be able to fully be independent from my parents.

I have so much to say but this is all it is right now. This is why im cryign right now. I wanna ctb so bad, but i cant. I dont even have the money to. I dont wanna jump off anywhere because i dont wanna end up paralyzed. I just want to be done already. My chest hurts so bad i can barely breathe. I dont know what to do.

 

[chronicpain123]

im 19 years old. I just had to drop all mt college courses because I had to be hospitalized twice this past semester and it caused me to get really behind. Im freaking out because i feel like a stupid failure and i dont know where im going to end up in life. If i keep living, i have to keep struggling and going to school until I can do something and find a good job. Im scared im going to rot away and never be able to fully be independent from my parents.

I have so much to say but this is all it is right now. This is why im cryign right now. I wanna ctb so bad, but i cant. I dont even have the money to. I dont wanna jump off anywhere because i dont wanna end up paralyzed. I just want to be done already. My chest hurts so bad i can barely breathe. I dont know what to do.

Hey dont feel too bad about that. I have a chronic skin disease and I started studying at 20. Im now 27 and still in damn college but about to finish that up. Its okay to go about stuff at your own pace. Health takes priority over school, im almost never present but I just make sure I study well for the exams n shit and so far thats gotten me pretty far id say for the problems im dealing with every single day.

 

[Smelly_ballz]

im 19 years old. I just had to drop all mt college courses because I had to be hospitalized twice this past semester and it caused me to get really behind. Im freaking out because i feel like a stupid failure and i dont know where im going to end up in life. If i keep living, i have to keep struggling and going to school until I can do something and find a good job. Im scared im going to rot away and never be able to fully be independent from my parents.

I have so much to say but this is all it is right now. This is why im cryign right now. I wanna ctb so bad, but i cant. I dont even have the money to. I dont wanna jump off anywhere because i dont wanna end up paralyzed. I just want to be done already. My chest hurts so bad i can barely breathe. I dont know what to do.

In a very similar situation. I haven't dropped out yet, but I know it will come (unless I die before then lol). I feel like a leech. Even if I finish college, that doesn't mean I will be independent. I don't think I ever will bc of my issues. I can't even drive so I have to ask my parents for a ride like a stupid child.

 

[budgerigar training]

I live rurally. Doctors here are constantly coming and going. In high school I developed rashes and night sweats, which where were B stage advanced symptoms of lymphoma. There was very little development in the diagnosis of my symptoms, since I rarely saw the same doctor twice. They did nothing but drain my wallet by endlessly prescribing useless medications.
These symptoms gave me dreadful insomnia. I also eventually developed dermatitis on top of my rashes. I went from being a straight-A student to flunking. This went on for ~3 years until I received my diagnosis.

 

[Vesiira]

It honestly feels like a lot. I'm 24 and growing up I was seen as the weird kid. Constantly ridiculed for being "different" compared to all the girls and what not. Started to try my best to fit in, while simultaneously never feeling like I belonged. Everyone liked me in highschool, I was quiet, sweet. I'm a caring person, but so much hurtful shit has happened to me that I just feel so numb inside. Fucked up family issues, being verbally abused by my bipolar brother almost everyday when I was a minor. Made to feel like I was worthless, wondering why I was even alive if my own "brother" had to put me down. Had to make me feel uncomfortable. I still hate him to this day. I regret the day my parents decided to adopt me, because I had to enter a family with him in it. I'm constantly wondering if I did something in a past life to deserve all this hurt. I have a college degree, but I feel like a failure because I'm unemployed. I still feel like no one truly cares about me or how I feel. I have friends, but they have their own problems, their own issues. My exes left me, because of my issues. So have other friends. I just keep losing people. I've stopped talking about my feelings, because everyone cares about themselves more than others. While I'm stuck here caring about others problems rather than my own. I have had a myriad of problems: depression, anxiety, eating disorder, self harm, suicide attempt, alcoholism. All because of this self-hatred I built in myself thinking I am a complete waste of space. Believing I am. I have tried my best to persevere through all of it, I really have. Gone to treatment, therapy, so many meds. Nothing has worked in the grand scheme of things. Ever since I was 11 I have wanted to die and I have wished so badly to ever since. Not sure why, but do any of us truly ever know the exact reason why?

im 19 years old. I just had to drop all mt college courses because I had to be hospitalized twice this past semester and it caused me to get really behind. Im freaking out because i feel like a stupid failure and i dont know where im going to end up in life. If i keep living, i have to keep struggling and going to school until I can do something and find a good job. Im scared im going to rot away and never be able to fully be independent from my parents.

I have so much to say but this is all it is right now. This is why im cryign right now. I wanna ctb so bad, but i cant. I dont even have the money to. I dont wanna jump off anywhere because i dont wanna end up paralyzed. I just want to be done already. My chest hurts so bad i can barely breathe. I dont know what to do.

I totally understand where you're coming from. I feel like a complete failure too. I depend on my parents because of my poor health right now and I'm afraid I won't ever be able to support myself on my own either. I just rot in bed everyday, it truly is a miserable experience and I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I know I can sit here and say you're not a failure, but that can be hard to believe. Trust me I know. I just hope you find some type of peace soon.

 

[LupuZ8]

im 19 years old. I just had to drop all mt college courses because I had to be hospitalized twice this past semester and it caused me to get really behind. Im freaking out because i feel like a stupid failure and i dont know where im going to end up in life. If i keep living, i have to keep struggling and going to school until I can do something and find a good job. Im scared im going to rot away and never be able to fully be independent from my parents.

I have so much to say but this is all it is right now. This is why im cryign right now. I wanna ctb so bad, but i cant. I dont even have the money to. I dont wanna jump off anywhere because i dont wanna end up paralyzed. I just want to be done already. My chest hurts so bad i can barely breathe. I dont know what to do.

I feel you, I had to leave school too Thanks to my problems and I feel like a failure too. I just dont think I can function in this world. I moved out from my parents but its been hard. I wanna ctb too so bad but I am scared of pain. Thats why im thinking of inert gasses. Im glad i found this forum because the people here know what you're feeling and talking about.

 

[MeowTheFlemishCat]

24, Belgian, severe OCD too ~ therapy at UZ Ghent but none of that truly works. I'll likely die contaminated.

 

[LupuZ8]

It honestly feels like a lot. I'm 24 and growing up I was seen as the weird kid. Constantly ridiculed for being "different" compared to all the girls and what not. Started to try my best to fit in, while simultaneously never feeling like I belonged. Everyone liked me in highschool, I was quiet, sweet. I'm a caring person, but so much hurtful shit has happened to me that I just feel so numb inside. Fucked up family issues, being verbally abused by my bipolar brother almost everyday when I was a minor. Made to feel like I was worthless, wondering why I was even alive if my own "brother" had to put me down. Had to make me feel uncomfortable. I still hate him to this day. I regret the day my parents decided to adopt me, because I had to enter a family with him in it. I'm constantly wondering if I did something in a past life to deserve all this hurt. I have a college degree, but I feel like a failure because I'm unemployed. I still feel like no one truly cares about me or how I feel. I have friends, but they have their own problems, their own issues. My exes left me, because of my issues. So have other friends. I just keep losing people. I've stopped talking about my feelings, because everyone cares about themselves more than others. While I'm stuck here caring about others problems rather than my own. I have had a myriad of problems: depression, anxiety, eating disorder, self harm, suicide attempt, alcoholism. All because of this self-hatred I built in myself thinking I am a complete waste of space. Believing I am. I have tried my best to persevere through all of it, I really have. Gone to treatment, therapy, so many meds. Nothing has worked in the grand scheme of things. Ever since I was 11 I have wanted to die and I have wished so badly to ever since. Not sure why, but do any of us truly ever know the exact reason why?

I totally understand where you're coming from. I feel like a complete failure too. I depend on my parents because of my poor health right now and I'm afraid I won't ever be able to support myself on my own either. I just rot in bed everyday, it truly is a miserable experience and I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I know I can sit here and say you're not a failure, but that can be hard to believe. Trust me I know. I just hope you find some type of peace soon.

Im truly sorry to hear that. I was the weird kid too. I try too cheer people up and help them even though in not in the right mindset to do so. I just hope if I need their help one day they will be there for me. Lots of people have left me. I ended up not caring anymore. Just feeling numb all the time. Its a harsh world we live in and if you dont know how to live in it its hell.

I really hope you find a way to start loving yourself again. Its difficult but if you want to talk about anything thats on your mind, we are here. We will not leave you. Were here for you and we care about you!

24, Belgian, severe OCD too ~ therapy at UZ Ghent but none of that truly works. I'll likely die contaminated.

I went to UZ Ghent too for a while. I am now in Lavi in Karus and its nice here. Its helping a little bit but not like I wanted it too. Ocd is a Nightmare. On Social Media they are like. Oh Im so ocd like its a joke. But believe me its not a joke. Its hell, Everyday

 

[Vesiira]

Im truly sorry to hear that. I was the weird kid too. I try too cheer people up and help them even though in not in the right mindset to do so. I just hope if I need their help one day they will be there for me. Lots of people have left me. I ended up not caring anymore. Just feeling numb all the time. Its a harsh world we live in and if you dont know how to live in it its hell.

I really hope you find a way to start loving yourself again. Its difficult but if you want to talk about anything thats on your mind, we are here. We will not leave you. Were here for you and we care about you!

I went to UZ Ghent too for a while. I am now in Lavi in Karus and its nice here. Its helping a little bit but not like I wanted it too. Ocd is a Nightmare. On Social Media they are like. Oh Im so ocd like its a joke. But believe me its not a joke. Its hell, Everyday

Exactly! That's how I feel too. Treat others how you would want to be treated. Unfortunately, even if you treat others well that doesn't mean they will treat you well back. It truly is a harsh world. I'm sorry you feel numb too, it's such an unpleasant thing even if it's meant to protect us. Thank you so much for your kind words, they do mean a lot. Same goes to you! <3

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case there isn't much of a story, it's just that in my case I'd always prefer to not exist, I've always and only found comfort in the thought of the absence of everything, only eternal nothingness is perfect.
I'm just not meant to suffer in this hellish reality and there is no value in the meaningless and undesirable suffering existing causes, I see existence as a terrible and harmful curse that is best avoided.
Only death can bring peace from the burden that is consciousness and the decaying flesh prison that we are slaves to, for me suicide is self care as it's suffering prevention.
I have no interest in decaying from age all while there is no limit as to how much I can suffer, existence is the true hell and it's just so horrible how we cannot just easily die in peace despite this reality, wanting to die is all that makes sense for me and feels rational.

 

[LupuZ8]

In my case there isn't much of a story, it's just that in my case I'd always prefer to not exist, I've always and only found comfort in the thought of the absence of everything, only eternal nothingness is perfect.
I'm just not meant to suffer in this hellish reality and there is no value in the meaningless and undesirable suffering existing causes, I see existence as a terrible and harmful curse that is best avoided.
Only death can bring peace from the burden that is consciousness and the decaying flesh prison that we are slaves to, for me suicide is self care as it's suffering prevention.
I have no interest in decaying from age all while there is no limit as to how much I can suffer, existence is the true hell and it's just so horrible how we cannot just easily die in peace despite this reality, wanting to die is all that makes sense for me and feels rational.

I feel the same way. If I could go back in time I would make sure I was never born

 

[jnpx321]

In a very similar situation. I haven't dropped out yet, but I know it will come (unless I die before then lol). I feel like a leech. Even if I finish college, that doesn't mean I will be independent. I don't think I ever will bc of my issues. I can't even drive so I have to ask my parents for a ride like a stupid child.

What do you major in?

 

[Heading to Darkness]

ok i dont want to bore anyone as my story is quite long so i will try and precis best i can
i had a fairly normal childhood growing up in a decent area with a loving family i always felt different, separate from them, i knew they were family as there was no denying the resemblence
I didn't enjoy school that much so left to go to college, met my closest friend for many years, alcohol so i crashed through relationships, engaged 4 times married separated and 6 children one of whom died hours old which sent me in a drinking spiral. i managed to hold down good jobs, then booze would move me on i had a complete breakdown and tried to kill myself after my marriage broke up, my father found me. so i moved away met someone had 3 children through her, broke up after a few up and down years we were both drinkers but im just terrible in relationships, i never had any trouble getting together with girls i wanted i was a real charmer but i soon lost the thrill and sexually i wasn't the best, my father apparently was a sexual and i think i am too, i really wanted women but the drive was weak about 15 years ago i ended up with another go to ctb The usual followed, medication cbt etc etc etc skip a few years until 12 months ago ended up with a bad pancreas attack after drinking binge, came out sober expecting the world to be a great place. I live by a castle near the sea in a stunning area, i own nothing but debt My children are all ok and i love them all and i hope my sons arent' like me or my dad
from the age of 16 i have known i will ctb at some point but only this year have i come to accept itand mostly be at peace with it. I will ctb om December 6th and i make a small video daily from 6th November to the end to try and explain it to those I leave behind I am worthless and have hurt so many decent, more than decent people all my life There is nothing that i can see to live for, my wonderful children are happy as they are
So thats about it I'm storing my vlogs on a youtube channel to launch fully the day I ctb., not morbidly, just to explain. As I said i have found a bit of peace in this, though somedays the anger raises its head. I am still sober though which gives a great clarity
Love to everyone on this site who can also follow my thread

 

[LupuZ8]

ok i dont want to bore anyone as my story is quite long so i will try and precis best i can
i had a fairly normal childhood growing up in a decent area with a loving family i always felt different, separate from them, i knew they were family as there was no denying the resemblence
I didn't enjoy school that much so left to go to college, met my closest friend for many years, alcohol so i crashed through relationships, engaged 4 times married separated and 6 children one of whom died hours old which sent me in a drinking spiral. i managed to hold down good jobs, then booze would move me on i had a complete breakdown and tried to kill myself after my marriage broke up, my father found me. so i moved away met someone had 3 children through her, broke up after a few up and down years we were both drinkers but im just terrible in relationships, i never had any trouble getting together with girls i wanted i was a real charmer but i soon lost the thrill and sexually i wasn't the best, my father apparently was a sexual and i think i am too, i really wanted women but the drive was weak about 15 years ago i ended up with another go to ctb The usual followed, medication cbt etc etc etc skip a few years until 12 months ago ended up with a bad pancreas attack after drinking binge, came out sober expecting the world to be a great place. I live by a castle near the sea in a stunning area, i own nothing but debt My children are all ok and i love them all and i hope my sons arent' like me or my dad
from the age of 16 i have known i will ctb at some point but only this year have i come to accept itand mostly be at peace with it. I will ctb om December 6th and i make a small video daily from 6th November to the end to try and explain it to those I leave behind I am worthless and have hurt so many decent, more than decent people all my life There is nothing that i can see to live for, my wonderful children are happy as they are
So thats about it I'm storing my vlogs on a youtube channel to launch fully the day I ctb., not morbidly, just to explain. As I said i have found a bit of peace in this, though somedays the anger raises its head. I am still sober though which gives a great clarity
Love to everyone on this site who can also follow my thread

Thats quite a story. Feel sorry you had to resort to accepting the fact you have to cbt. We all have a reason why we want to cbt. In a perfect world we wouldnt have to but unfortunately we dont live in a perfect world. I would like to Watch your vlogs when they come out. Could we know what your name is for when they come out we can watch them. At least then we will have something to remember you with. I wish all te best. Try to enjoy the final moments. Maybe tomorrow something happens and you think. I was happy i was still here who knows. Wish you the best <3

 

[Heading to Darkness]

Thats quite a story. Feel sorry you had to resort to accepting the fact you have to cbt. We all have a reason why we want to cbt. In a perfect world we wouldnt have to but unfortunately we dont live in a perfect world. I would like to Watch your vlogs when they come out. Could we know what your name is for when they come out we can watch them. At least then we will have something to remember you with. I wish all te best. Try to enjoy the final moments. Maybe tomorrow something happens and you think. I was happy i was still here who knows. Wish you the best <3

i will let you tomorrow will be day four so still a long way, i am ticking things off my to do jobs each day, i can't turn back now and I'm ok with that.people around me (though not many! most days just me) really think I'm doing ok (that to them means i'm getting 'better') of course its all smoke and mirrors to distract them away so i can follow the path

 

[AllAlone]

Growing up I was pretty normal. I was smart and had lots of friends. But I also moved alot. The first time I moved I was able to make new friends and fit in and all my classmates liked me. When I moved the next time I found it harder to make friends and was considered quiet. But eventually I found a group of friends and girls liked me and I felt happy. And then I moved again and developed depression and anxiety. I wasn't able to make friends aside from 1 or 2 people. I was consumed with the idea that I was a loser, that nobody liked me, that if try to talk to someone they will be annoyed. I thought that if I stuck to myself people might like me more since I wasn't annoying. Even though I felt like a loser other people thought I was just arrogant and mean.

When I went to college I wanted to change. I tried talking to people and making friends. It kind of worked but I couldn't overcome my anxiety. If someone wanted to hang out I would get so anxious that I would just say no. I just can't be around people anymore. I isolated myself too much and for too long and I am fundamentally broken. I am extremely lonely and sad but the feelings of anxiety I get when I'm around people is even worse. Eventually I realized there was no hope for me being normal and just gave up on life. I ended up dropping out of college and I'm just waiting to find the strength to kill myself.

 

[Heading to Darkness]

Thats quite a story. Feel sorry you had to resort to accepting the fact you have to cbt. We all have a reason why we want to cbt. In a perfect world we wouldnt have to but unfortunately we dont live in a perfect world. I would like to Watch your vlogs when they come out. Could we know what your name is for when they come out we can watch them. At least then we will have something to remember you with. I wish all te best. Try to enjoy the final moments. Maybe tomorrow something happens and you think. I was happy i was still here who knows. Wish you the best <3

they are very amateur and scrappy at the moment but if you look on youtube for heading to darkness you will find them, i had really bad day today and couldnt post i will be going forward, as said its more a diary i will let family see at the end i try to keep it anonymous at the moment

 

[Heading to Darkness]

ok i dont want to bore anyone as my story is quite long so i will try and precis best i can
i had a fairly normal childhood growing up in a decent area with a loving family i always felt different, separate from them, i knew they were family as there was no denying the resemblence
I didn't enjoy school that much so left to go to college, met my closest friend for many years, alcohol so i crashed through relationships, engaged 4 times married separated and 6 children one of whom died hours old which sent me in a drinking spiral. i managed to hold down good jobs, then booze would move me on i had a complete breakdown and tried to kill myself after my marriage broke up, my father found me. so i moved away met someone had 3 children through her, broke up after a few up and down years we were both drinkers but im just terrible in relationships, i never had any trouble getting together with girls i wanted i was a real charmer but i soon lost the thrill and sexually i wasn't the best, my father apparently was a sexual and i think i am too, i really wanted women but the drive was weak about 15 years ago i ended up with another go to ctb The usual followed, medication cbt etc etc etc skip a few years until 12 months ago ended up with a bad pancreas attack after drinking binge, came out sober expecting the world to be a great place. I live by a castle near the sea in a stunning area, i own nothing but debt My children are all ok and i love them all and i hope my sons arent' like me or my dad
from the age of 16 i have known i will ctb at some point but only this year have i come to accept itand mostly be at peace with it. I will ctb om December 6th and i make a small video daily from 6th November to the end to try and explain it to those I leave behind I am worthless and have hurt so many decent, more than decent people all my life There is nothing that i can see to live for, my wonderful children are happy as they are
So thats about it I'm storing my vlogs on a youtube channel to launch fully the day I ctb., not morbidly, just to explain. As I said i have found a bit of peace in this, though somedays the anger raises its head. I am still sober though which gives a great clarity
Love to everyone on this site who can also follow my thread

buoy let me pm the detail if u want it

I wanted to make this thread just for anyone who wants to share their story. By sharing your stories people will see things and be like, heyy i have this to and sometimes this feeling of recognition can help to give you a better feeling that in fact we are not alone .

I'll start

Im a 21 year old man from Belgium. My life was fine till the age of 16 when I started noticing I had to repeat everything in my head and explain why I did certain things to show to myself that I didnt do them with evil intentions. I had to count and repeat and eventually while trying to block this it made it worse. I was in class and was like, ok this hour I cant Repeat but I felt so anxious then like something would happen, something really bad. I slept 1h a night for over 2 weeks and this was the Point i decided to tell my parents. I did and they were very supportive. They made me do all kind of test to see if something was wrong with my brains. Even tested for Tourretes but nothing. I decided Id use the Summer holidays to get myself together and that it would go away and it was just an episode. But boy I was wrong. It got worse and eventually I would say anything that came in my mind out loud. Id scream anything I was Thinking out loud. Couldnt go to school cause I was a distraction. The summer holidays were over and then at first it seemed to go well but around Christmas exams it all came back. Thats when I started to get suicidal. I expressed these Thoughts and went to a children mental hospital. I was 17 at the time. I did my time and it worked for a month or something till I actually attempted. It didnt work at all. Took my antidepressants all at once but nothing happened. Got back in the hospital this time for 5 weeks. Then after this I started school again and it went ok but again around Christmas I crashed again and attemped again with lots of paracetamol and other painkillers and alcohol and went to the hospital, this time i was vommiting lots of blood but I got better and was sent to a hospital for Adults. Was there for 2 Months, attempted several times but was kicked out when I tries to set myself on fire. But it was here I got my diagnosis of OCD. Finally an answer. I wanted to get treated for it but my parents said they were sick of my bullshit and as long as i lived with them i wouldnt go to another clinic,.not even a psychiatrist. Two years I ended up Living there without any help. Was told Daily how a burden I was. That it wouldve been better if I succeeded. That they all hate me because of my mental shit. They basically wanted me to die. So one day I decided enough and went to work only not to work. I went to a hotel and hopped from hotel to hotel till i was broke. Got sexuality assaulted in this time. And made the decision to try to get into a clinic again and at the age of 20 finally got back into it. I've been in a mental hospital for more then a year now and it doesnt really work. Thats when I found this forum and found people like me. Who are tired of this world and share the same vision. I will ctb in the near future with inert gasses. Will need some preparation but its worth it. This is a part of my story.

So what is your Stories. Id like to read them!!

Lots of love LupuZ

How are you doing..i'm finding it hard to stick to plans

 

[Some place nice]

My dad adored my oldest sister, when the second child was about 3 her started to bully her until I was 3. We are all 2 years apart so the second child only was bullied for 2 years. He bullied me until I was 16. He would guilt trip us gaslight us and idk if he did this to the second child but, when I was mad and went to my room to cool down. He would barge in grab my arm real hard and throw me on the couch and told me, "when you're done being mad you can go to your room." My arm was always red when he let go. He never let us have the TV even when he was also on the computer playing his game. He was always passed out drunk. We moved from the country to the city when I was 12 and that sparked my depression. I decided to tell my mom but my sisters where being annoying that morning so I yelled at them and slammed the sliding glass door. I didn't see my dad jump up (he was already passed out drunk at 10 am) and walk to the door. He threw it open and grabbed my arm real hard and threw me inside. If the brick steps were there i might not have tripped but I did and I went on the floor while he yelled at me. I never told my mom. I started to feel unloved by everyone there, they were ignoring me bc I was sensitive. I got told by my dad when I was 16, "to be in our family you have to have thick skin." By 16 it knew that no one really liked to talk to me so I never talked to them. But at 13 I started to develop some strong urges to do harm to my family and was later diagnosed with psychosis. The second child started to learn about mental health later in life so now we are on good terms but no one else.

 

[Heading to Darkness]

Thats quite a story. Feel sorry you had to resort to accepting the fact you have to cbt. We all have a reason why we want to cbt. In a perfect world we wouldnt have to but unfortunately we dont live in a perfect world. I would like to Watch your vlogs when they come out. Could we know what your name is for when they come out we can watch them. At least then we will have something to remember you with. I wish all te best. Try to enjoy the final moments. Maybe tomorrow something happens and you think. I was happy i was still here who knows. Wish you the best <3

can i message you the vlog details please

 

[buoy]

buoy let me pm the detail if u want it

Please feel free friend. I'm here for you and I'm glad you found peace through your decision. I of course want to reach out and scream that you are not worthless, you and your struggle are valid, but I understand getting to that point.

Rooting for you, whatever your commitment is, but always going to hope peace finds you in life. If not I'll be here, wish you well, and will hold onto the vlogs as memorial of a beautiful stranger.

Much love. Much good intentions your way.

 

[LifeTransit_1]

I am 24, Canadian, High Functioning Autism (Speficially Aspberger syndrome), Starting having Mental Health Issues at 15, Gotten extremely worse 3 years ago. I feel like I was forced into this world to be a slave of the workforce. Low pay, Still lives with parents who are abusive of my privacy and opinion, looking for a better job but still in the same field of work. I can easily get a living wage from this sector but I feel like my employer is taking advantage of me because of my Autistic traits. I am paid $40,000/Year as salary... I can easily get closer to a salary of $75,000/year. If I can get +/- $5k of that $75k I will be taking that job and moving out. That's the best case scenario. The worse case and the most likely scenario is that I don't find a job that is willing to pay me that money & I will have to stay with my parents for financial stability which leaves a very uncertain road ahead. For those who are wondering... I work in the furniture finishing industry so I did take post-secondary classes for me to be working in the field.

 

[Heading to Darkness]

Please feel free friend. I'm here for you and I'm glad you found peace through your decision. I of course want to reach out and scream that you are not worthless, you and your struggle are valid, but I understand getting to that point.

Rooting for you, whatever your commitment is, but always going to hope peace finds you in life. If not I'll be here, wish you well, and will hold onto the vlogs as memorial of a beautiful stranger.

Much love. Much good intentions your way.

thanks it means a lot

 

[Foxykaavn]

22 year old. My whole life has been hell. No one ever cares about my feelings or thinks from my POV like EVER. All of them are selfish and they only care about themselves. My whole life I have been all alone with no one being there for me. I have had people taking advantage of me being nice. I thought that I was having peace when I finally had a girl who understands me but she was just using and cheating me. Learning she used me just to cheat on me was so painful but no one understands my pain and mock me by calling me a beta cuck/simp.

I tried therapy but it felt so fake because these people do not know what it is like to suffer and they just create a fake fantasy for you while making money of your struggles. So leaving this planet is like the only way I think that I will ever achieve peace and I hope to do so

 

[Heading to Darkness]

I wanted to make this thread just for anyone who wants to share their story. By sharing your stories people will see things and be like, heyy i have this to and sometimes this feeling of recognition can help to give you a better feeling that in fact we are not alone .

I'll start

Im a 21 year old man from Belgium. My life was fine till the age of 16 when I started noticing I had to repeat everything in my head and explain why I did certain things to show to myself that I didnt do them with evil intentions. I had to count and repeat and eventually while trying to block this it made it worse. I was in class and was like, ok this hour I cant Repeat but I felt so anxious then like something would happen, something really bad. I slept 1h a night for over 2 weeks and this was the Point i decided to tell my parents. I did and they were very supportive. They made me do all kind of test to see if something was wrong with my brains. Even tested for Tourretes but nothing. I decided Id use the Summer holidays to get myself together and that it would go away and it was just an episode. But boy I was wrong. It got worse and eventually I would say anything that came in my mind out loud. Id scream anything I was Thinking out loud. Couldnt go to school cause I was a distraction. The summer holidays were over and then at first it seemed to go well but around Christmas exams it all came back. Thats when I started to get suicidal. I expressed these Thoughts and went to a children mental hospital. I was 17 at the time. I did my time and it worked for a month or something till I actually attempted. It didnt work at all. Took my antidepressants all at once but nothing happened. Got back in the hospital this time for 5 weeks. Then after this I started school again and it went ok but again around Christmas I crashed again and attemped again with lots of paracetamol and other painkillers and alcohol and went to the hospital, this time i was vommiting lots of blood but I got better and was sent to a hospital for Adults. Was there for 2 Months, attempted several times but was kicked out when I tries to set myself on fire. But it was here I got my diagnosis of OCD. Finally an answer. I wanted to get treated for it but my parents said they were sick of my bullshit and as long as i lived with them i wouldnt go to another clinic,.not even a psychiatrist. Two years I ended up Living there without any help. Was told Daily how a burden I was. That it wouldve been better if I succeeded. That they all hate me because of my mental shit. They basically wanted me to die. So one day I decided enough and went to work only not to work. I went to a hotel and hopped from hotel to hotel till i was broke. Got sexuality assaulted in this time. And made the decision to try to get into a clinic again and at the age of 20 finally got back into it. I've been in a mental hospital for more then a year now and it doesnt really work. Thats when I found this forum and found people like me. Who are tired of this world and share the same vision. I will ctb in the near future with inert gasses. Will need some preparation but its worth it. This is a part of my story.

So what is your Stories. Id like to read them!!

Lots of love LupuZ

Hi
I just wanted to tag onto this rather than start another thread but this is still part of my story..the final part. After a few days of varying torment i have decided to ctb earlier than planned. my method due to the lack of supplies of anything in the uk is the dreaded paracetamol, but with a lot of alcohol which i haven't had for a year nearly. plus i will cut my veins and will be walking off my best beaches (well one of them there are so many to choose from but i chose one that is quieter and bit harder to get to) i have ground sufficient of the drug into chocolate brownie, using one of my amazing recipes (once a chef et al) After checking tides the date will be 16th November time tba i will be live streaming it on my vlog not for any macabre reasons but for those i leave behind to show i was in a good state of mind and was happy to go
I'm happy now i have less time and still can tidy up those bits of my pathetic existence need to be tidied. I will say farewell before then and really appreciate help and support i have found on here and no blame can be attached to anyone here i need to stop my demons screams