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Cubashii

Cubashii

One second in Valhalla Is all I really would want.
Oct 22, 2018
144
Anyone want to share about what has been going on with them? I will start first. I have finals coming up and it's been really hard having suicidal thoughts during class. It gets harder when I come home and I am alone in my room to the point I attempted ctb the other night. So I went and bought a Verilux happy light. Which is a therapy lamp. It helps with the seasons changing and lack of sunlight. It helps me alot. But being about to talk about how I feel without being judged is better. We all feel down almost our whole day so I thought we could share what does make us feel better even if its reading someone else's path to recovery.
 
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worldexploder

worldexploder

Visionary
Sep 19, 2018
2,821
Woke up around noon. Felt really depressed. Typed on SS. Fixed me two meatloaf sandwiches. Went back down the stares and layed in bed. Talked to my ex wife on the phone some. Went back upstairs to eat about half an hour ago. Came back on here. Started typing on SS again.
 
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dysfunctional

dysfunctional

Arcanist
Oct 26, 2018
459
Woke up around noon. Felt really depressed. Typed on SS. Fixed me two meatloaf sandwiches. Went back down the stares and layed in bed. Talked to my ex wife on the phone some. Went back upstairs to eat about half an hour ago. Came back on here. Started typing on SS again.
Are you able to sleep till noon? That's kinda nice at least. I spend alot of time in bed but can only sleep around 8-9 hours. Not saying i'm jealous or have it worse or anything, just think that's cool.
 
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WaitingForTheBus

WaitingForTheBus

Student
Oct 27, 2018
136
Are you able to sleep till noon? That's kinda nice at least. I spend alot of time in bed but can only sleep around 8-9 hours. Not saying i'm jealous or have it worse or anything, just think that's cool.
8 or 9 hours sleep, fuck I envy you.

I pop more and more valium every night and never get more than 4 hours. Last night was a bad night, didn't get to sleep until 7am and woke up after 2 hours. I can already feel today is going to be a bad day.

Limited sleep, an appointment that I'm dreading plus I have to tell the girl I love that I need to stop seeing her. That last one is gonna be a killer as she is the only person remotely supporting me, but the fact she keeps reminding me that we will only ever be friends is too much. She only had to tell me once, I live the nightmare every. fucking. day.
 
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worldexploder

worldexploder

Visionary
Sep 19, 2018
2,821
Are you able to sleep till noon? That's kinda nice at least. I spend alot of time in bed but can only sleep around 8-9 hours. Not saying i'm jealous or have it worse or anything, just think that's cool.
I'm usually a night owl but my sleeping habits fluctuate erratically.
 
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O

okyeah

Arcanist
Jul 20, 2018
425
Went to work, felt alienated there, came home, haven't left my bed since.

All I can think about is getting N and ending this horrible existence that I am unable to fix.
 
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dysfunctional

dysfunctional

Arcanist
Oct 26, 2018
459
8 or 9 hours sleep, fuck I envy you.

I pop more and more valium every night and never get more than 4 hours. Last night was a bad night, didn't get to sleep until 7am and woke up after 2 hours. I can already feel today is going to be a bad day.

Limited sleep, an appointment that I'm dreading plus I have to tell the girl I love that I need to stop seeing her. That last one is gonna be a killer as she is the only person remotely supporting me, but the fact she keeps reminding me that we will only ever be friends is too much. She only had to tell me once, I live the nightmare every. fucking. day.
Sorry to hear it. I was getting like 2-3 hours of sleep a night for a couple months, it was hell. I started taking an herbal supplement called Calms Fortis that helped me start sleeping again. I also found that constant drinking was causing my insomia. Which is weird because I used to sleep like a baby after drinking. My life is still hell but at least I can sleep.
 
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WaitingForTheBus

WaitingForTheBus

Student
Oct 27, 2018
136
Sorry to hear it. I was getting like 2-3 hours of sleep a night for a couple months, it was hell. I started taking an herbal supplement called Calms Fortis that helped me start sleeping again. I also found that constant drinking was causing my insomia. Which is weird because I used to sleep like a baby after drinking. My life is still hell but at least I can sleep.
Thanks. I was a non drinker, I only recently started drinking to try and help me sleep. I thought the pills plus booze would do it, still waiting.
 
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dysfunctional

dysfunctional

Arcanist
Oct 26, 2018
459
Thanks. I was a non drinker, I only recently started drinking to try and help me sleep. I thought the pills plus booze would do it, still waiting.
Yeah that was the crazy thing for me, Alot of why I was drinking was to fall asleep.
 
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Cubashii

Cubashii

One second in Valhalla Is all I really would want.
Oct 22, 2018
144
I used to drink pretty heavy. It made my mood worse. The one thing I have found that makes me feel better is sunlight. The warmness of it on my face. The new lamp really helps. I also started some medications my therapist prescribed. Does anyone like any outdoor activities that they like to do? Even if it's going to a park and sitting at the bench to read?
 
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faex42

faex42

Experienced
Oct 19, 2018
213
Former boss called, discussed my coming back to work for him as part-time supervisor. The last time he called with a similar proposition, it never happened although he wasn't to blame and I went into a deep depression when I realized I was going to stay unemployed. Hope that it does this time I have better luck but I am very apprehensive. I don't need to spiral down after getting my hopes up again. Things are bad enough as it is .
 
Last edited:
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Cubashii

Cubashii

One second in Valhalla Is all I really would want.
Oct 22, 2018
144
Woke up around noon. Felt really depressed. Typed on SS. Fixed me two meatloaf sandwiches. Went back down the stares and layed in bed. Talked to my ex wife on the phone some. Went back upstairs to eat about half an hour ago. Came back on here. Started typing on SS again.

Meatloaf sandwiches are good! They are a good comfort food when you are down.
 
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Cubashii

Cubashii

One second in Valhalla Is all I really would want.
Oct 22, 2018
144
Went to work, felt alienated there, came home, haven't left my bed since.

All I can think about is getting N and ending this horrible existence that I am unable to fix.

How come you feel alienated? Do you not like your co-workers? Or they just really weird?
 
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Cubashii

Cubashii

One second in Valhalla Is all I really would want.
Oct 22, 2018
144
Former boss called, discussed my coming back to work for him as part-time supervisor. The last time he called with a similar proposition, it never happened although he wasn't to blame and I went into a deep depression when I realized I was going to stay unemployed. Hope that it does this time I have better luck but I am very apprehensive. I don't need to spiral down after getting my hopes up again. Things are bad enough as it is .

If he is unreliable I would try getting a job somewhere similar line of work. If you like that sort of work. I know what getting your hopes up and them tore down feels like. Its a shitty feeling. But dont let this get to you. Look forward! You might just land a way better job!
 
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O

okyeah

Arcanist
Jul 20, 2018
425
How come you feel alienated? Do you not like your co-workers? Or they just really weird?

There is just a strange disconnect. I think it's partly due to my mixed race (white-asian). I always feel like I have to prove I am not a weirdo just cause no one can tell what race I actually am.

I also am extremely depressed and have no friends that I like so it's hard to talk about anything normal or initiate conversations. It's mostly my own fault but I am helpless to change it. It's nice to know I am killing myself soon because I don't really worry about anything anymore. It's pointless.
 
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S

Schopenhauer

Enlightened
Oct 3, 2018
1,133
Had a meeting early in the morning. Drank a lot of coffee. Came back to my home, couldn't work at all. I just posted stuff here, slept, and read my book. I'm fucked.
 
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WaitingForTheBus

WaitingForTheBus

Student
Oct 27, 2018
136
I used to drink pretty heavy. It made my mood worse. The one thing I have found that makes me feel better is sunlight. The warmness of it on my face. The new lamp really helps. I also started some medications my therapist prescribed. Does anyone like any outdoor activities that they like to do? Even if it's going to a park and sitting at the bench to read?
Last week I convinced myself to get off my ass and go hiking for the day. Honestly, one of the best days I've had in the last 4 weeks. Got home, realised my daughter was still a runaway and the woman I love still wasn't there.

No plans or motivation to do it again. It was bloody great while it lasted though.
 
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Cubashii

Cubashii

One second in Valhalla Is all I really would want.
Oct 22, 2018
144
There is just a strange disconnect. I think it's partly due to my mixed race (white-asian). I always feel like I have to prove I am not a weirdo just cause no one can tell what race I actually am.

I also am extremely depressed and have no friends that I like so it's hard to talk about anything normal or initiate conversations. It's mostly my own fault but I am helpless to change it. It's nice to know I am killing myself soon because I don't really worry about anything anymore. It's pointless.


Its none of their business what your race is. You shouldn't have to feel you have to prove anything to them if they make you feel that way. Making friends is really really hard sometimes. Depends on your environment. I started going out to clubs and meeting people there. And im super super shy in person. And depression gets in our way a lot also. like not wanting to go out at all. But Push through it. Go out for a few nights and play pool or throw some darts that is a great way to make friends.
 
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Cubashii

Cubashii

One second in Valhalla Is all I really would want.
Oct 22, 2018
144
Had a meeting early in the morning. Drank a lot of coffee. Came back to my home, couldn't work at all. I just posted stuff here, slept, and read my book. I'm fucked.

Do you like video games? Could help with getting you to feel motivated. Beating video games really boost you up! I play alot of RPG games so its like living another life for a moment.
 
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O

okyeah

Arcanist
Jul 20, 2018
425
Its none of their business what your race is. You shouldn't have to feel you have to prove anything to them if they make you feel that way. Making friends is really really hard sometimes. Depends on your environment. I started going out to clubs and meeting people there. And im super super shy in person. And depression gets in our way a lot also. like not wanting to go out at all. But Push through it. Go out for a few nights and play pool or throw some darts that is a great way to make friends.

I've never really gone out on my own because it's too awkward. I live in a college town so going out alone is not an option. I've made "friends" that like to go out to the bars and stuff but they are the ones I hate the most. They are vapid and obviously insecure but trying to hide it behind fake macho-ness. It's pathetic. They are not genuine.

I understand that I shouldn't have to prove anything but unfortunately who I am as a person does not match what I portray on the outside and it leads to my "friendships" being bad. I am not outgoing enough to make friends with normal, good people so I attract shit, garbage people that I tolerate.
 
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S

Schopenhauer

Enlightened
Oct 3, 2018
1,133
Do you like video games? Could help with getting you to feel motivated. Beating video games really boost you up! I play alot of RPG games so its like living another life for a moment.

I love video games, specially RPGs. But I feel guilty playing them while I'm supposed to be working. And I don't feel like working. It's a Catch-22 situation. So I do nothing.
 
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Cubashii

Cubashii

One second in Valhalla Is all I really would want.
Oct 22, 2018
144
Last week I convinced myself to get off my ass and go hiking for the day. Honestly, one of the best days I've had in the last 4 weeks. Got home, realised my daughter was still a runaway and the woman I love still wasn't there.

No plans or motivation to do it again. It was bloody great while it lasted though.


Im glad you had a great time! Im sorry to hear about your family. Women are weird. I know Im a woman lol Your daughter will come home when she feels ready im sure. She is prob with friends on an adventure like a long road trip and being rebal. Alot of teen girls have took off but we just trust they are fine and are safe.
 
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Sayo

Sayo

Not 2B
Aug 22, 2018
520
I have finals coming up too. My semester has been a disaster - I started out in hospital, protracted benzo withdrawal, had brain surgery six months ago, my partner has had two surgeries, my dog developed cancer and died, my tinnitus is worsening, etc - but my grades are fine. I just can't study any more and I don't know how I'll catch up. I meet with one of my professors tomorrow. He's incredibly kind and supportive, and I feel terrible because I might be letting him down - I just don't see a point in continuing in academia. The better I perform, the worse I feel, because disappointment is inevitable and I don't know how to cope with it.

Good luck with yours, though, OP. It's a terrible grind but inevitably it's over and what's done is done. Just try to plug away at lectures, past papers when you can and work on what you don't know.

Anyway, today I woke up before dawn, which was good because it let me get a lot of agonising done before 9 AM. It's also my favourite time of day, and I enjoyed listening to the birdsong. I lay in bed, posted on SS, and thought about logistical problems with my method. I thought of a way to proceed, but I am very anxious about doing so. I showered, washed my hair thoroughly, imagined myself dead some more, and am now going to eat some mango. It is 12 PM and I have not begun studying yet. I feel pretty useless.
 
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Cubashii

Cubashii

One second in Valhalla Is all I really would want.
Oct 22, 2018
144
I love video games, specially RPGs. But I feel guilty playing them while I'm supposed to be working. And I don't feel like working. It's a Catch-22 situation. So I do nothing.

Sneak in the video game hours! You need to feel good before you can be your 100%
 
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S

Schopenhauer

Enlightened
Oct 3, 2018
1,133
Sneak in the video game hours! You need to feel good before you can be your 100%

Maybe I will. But I have a lot of work to catch up now. I've been working less than 2 hours a day for an entire week. This cannot go on.
 
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Radaghest

Radaghest

Member
Oct 11, 2018
79
Woke up.
Smoke cigarettes.
Shower.
Work.
Smoke break.
Work.
Smoke break.
Work.
Smoke break.
Work.
Sit in parking lot reading SS.
Drive home.
Sit in driveway reading SS.
Walk dog.
Smoke cigarettes.
Eat noodles.
Lay in bed listen to Last Podcast on the Left.
Sleep and wake off and on.
 
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Cubashii

Cubashii

One second in Valhalla Is all I really would want.
Oct 22, 2018
144
I have finals coming up too. My semester has been a disaster - I started out in hospital, protracted benzo withdrawal, had brain surgery six months ago, my partner has had two surgeries, my dog developed cancer and died, my tinnitus is worsening, etc - but my grades are fine. I just can't study any more and I don't know how I'll catch up. I meet with one of my professors tomorrow. He's incredibly kind and supportive, and I feel terrible because I might be letting him down - I just don't see a point in continuing in academia. The better I perform, the worse I feel, because disappointment is inevitable and I don't know how to cope with it.

Good luck with yours, though, OP. It's a terrible grind but inevitably it's over and what's done is done. Just try to plug away at lectures, past papers when you can and work on what you don't know.

Anyway, today I woke up before dawn, which was good because it let me get a lot of agonising done before 9 AM. It's also my favourite time of day, and I enjoyed listening to the birdsong. I lay in bed, posted on SS, and thought about logistical problems with my method. I thought of a way to proceed, but I am very anxious about doing so. I showered, washed my hair thoroughly, imagined myself dead some more, and am now going to eat some mango. It is 12 PM and I have not begun studying yet. I feel pretty useless.


That is a hell of a lot to deal with girl! Sending all the good vibes your way! I was also in ICU at the end of september for liver failure. Turns out too many tylenol will kill you dead. So I was ventilated and they ran IV fluids that detox your liver. They thought I took them on purpose like that and 604ed me (no rights) No losers I would have took the whole bottle of gabapentin if that was the case. BIG mess. All sorted in an hour tho with the psychiatrist.
 
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Cubashii

Cubashii

One second in Valhalla Is all I really would want.
Oct 22, 2018
144
Maybe I will. But I have a lot of work to catch up now. I've been working less than 2 hours a day for an entire week. This cannot go on.

Divide it up. Play 30 mins of a level an hour of work. Thats how I handle my college work atm.
 
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S

Schopenhauer

Enlightened
Oct 3, 2018
1,133
Divide it up. Play 30 mins of a level an hour of work. Thats how I handle my college work atm.

That's not a bad idea. I'll see what I can do about it Wednesday. Tomorrow I'll be at the office the whole day.
 
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Cubashii

Cubashii

One second in Valhalla Is all I really would want.
Oct 22, 2018
144
I've never really gone out on my own because it's too awkward. I live in a college town so going out alone is not an option. I've made "friends" that like to go out to the bars and stuff but they are the ones I hate the most. They are vapid and obviously insecure but trying to hide it behind fake macho-ness. It's pathetic. They are not genuine.

I understand that I shouldn't have to prove anything but unfortunately who I am as a person does not match what I portray on the outside and it leads to my "friendships" being bad. I am not outgoing enough to make friends with normal, good people so I attract shit, garbage people that I tolerate.

Ah yeahhh Ive got some pretty rough friends. But thats the best time if a girl walks up you can be like "hey they are rude lets go drink at the bar or table" Its worked for me a few times.
 
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