akira.kewl
joy is a scam made by dentists to sell more smiles
- Dec 4, 2025
- 25
(wasn't sure if I should tag as help or venting, sorry)
I don't know what to do. The whole reason why I didn't follow through with my last plan to ctb was because I had hope that maybe things would get a little better if I could just be patient. If I could wait until I get on hrt, if I could wait until I get a therapist, if I could wait until I move, if I could wait until I make some friends, it'd all go away. Or at least get a little easier. But it's taking so fucking long I can't take it anymore. It hurts so bad. I hate it. I feel everything and numb at the same time.
My usual solution for these moments was, well, cutting. Alcohol just makes me sleepy, got no access to sex or drugs, it's basically my only option for extreme coping (obviously "healthy coping mechanisms" don't do shit). But it's not working anymore. When I do it, I don't feel anything. I don't feel scared, I don't feel dizzy, I don't get the high. I don't feel like living. I feel no different from how I did before doing it, other than mildly inconvenienced from the mess. I tried taking breaks to see if I'd just desensitized myself, and nope, nothing. No reaction. So if literally slicing my skin open isn't helping anymore, what the hell am I supposed to do??? How am I supposed to stay alive if I can't stop hurting this bad?
I'm scared that if things keep going this way, I might impulsively ctb, and I have nothing left to stop myself. Do I have any more options to cope? Am I just fucked? (dont tell me to call a hotline because they're bs)
They aren't joking when they call it mental illness,this is equivalent of chemo suddenly not affecting one's cancer. I may genuinely die
I don't know what to do. The whole reason why I didn't follow through with my last plan to ctb was because I had hope that maybe things would get a little better if I could just be patient. If I could wait until I get on hrt, if I could wait until I get a therapist, if I could wait until I move, if I could wait until I make some friends, it'd all go away. Or at least get a little easier. But it's taking so fucking long I can't take it anymore. It hurts so bad. I hate it. I feel everything and numb at the same time.
My usual solution for these moments was, well, cutting. Alcohol just makes me sleepy, got no access to sex or drugs, it's basically my only option for extreme coping (obviously "healthy coping mechanisms" don't do shit). But it's not working anymore. When I do it, I don't feel anything. I don't feel scared, I don't feel dizzy, I don't get the high. I don't feel like living. I feel no different from how I did before doing it, other than mildly inconvenienced from the mess. I tried taking breaks to see if I'd just desensitized myself, and nope, nothing. No reaction. So if literally slicing my skin open isn't helping anymore, what the hell am I supposed to do??? How am I supposed to stay alive if I can't stop hurting this bad?
I'm scared that if things keep going this way, I might impulsively ctb, and I have nothing left to stop myself. Do I have any more options to cope? Am I just fucked? (dont tell me to call a hotline because they're bs)
They aren't joking when they call it mental illness,this is equivalent of chemo suddenly not affecting one's cancer. I may genuinely die
