Discussion SH and relationships

[exhaustedgolfcat]

This might be off-topic but it seemed too heavy for that category.

How do you deal with other people knowing about you SHing? Friends, family, significant others. Are there "tried and tested" ways that don't leave a mark? (besides banging your head into the wall. I used to do that and I feel it made me stupid) I hate making people worry about me or think this is a "cry for help" or a manipulation tactic. I just want to make the self-hate go away and this is the fastest way.

I have SHd since high school, first only small cuts and burns on my arms, but as my depression worsened, i was doing it regularly. I only ever got to cutting my arms and inner thighs, only a few times really deep. I wanted to quit when I got into my first non-abusive relationship since high school and I've only SHd a few times in those 7 years. That's over though.
I had a shitty few months and did it again last weekend. I feel ashamed in front of my friends and family whenever I do it, but when I feel like I'm at the end of my rope I just kinda do it. It's like a mini black-out where one minute I'm crying, thinking I'm an utter failure, then the other I have my trusty scissors in my hand and my thigh bleeding.

Tldr: how to SH without others noticing, thoughts on SH in general appreciated. why do or don't you do it?

32F, bpd, afraid to ctb

 

[vinicuit]

it's actually very hard to hide SH from close people, even more when you share a intimate life... i have some hidden scars and they're still very much visible (on my shoulders and inner thights) so i kind of started bruising myself, cause i could just say "i don't know where this comes from" or "i fell while riding a bike" yk? but it got to a point that i had so many bruises that i don't believe my friends trusted me anymore.

i think it's easier to hide if you tend to isolate yourself, at least it works fine for me. it kind of became a cicle, where i get anxious/depressed, then i end up cutting, then i isolate myself from people around me, but i guess it's easier for me cause i live with some friends (have my own room) and i'm single (and too much assexual)

 

[burninghill]

I self harm, I've cut myself on and off for years. Even cat scratches I made when I was 13 are still visible. I cut mostly on my forearm. Recently, I put about a dozen cigarettes out on my wrist (close to my hand) and I have to say, I regret those the most. They're so difficult to hide and the scars are red.

I used to deliberately cut before I'd go out with my friends, then wear short sleeves. They didn't really seem to care, no one said anything.

I got caught once when I was younger by my mother. It was terrible. I still think about it to this day, but I didn't get the support I needed and so I kept going.

Sorry I don't have any decent advice. I don't really like to advise on this site.
All I can say is the only sure-fire way to not get caught is to not do it at all.

 

[exhaustedgolfcat]

I self harm, I've cut myself on and off for years. Even cat scratches I made when I was 13 are still visible. I cut mostly on my forearm. Recently, I put about a dozen cigarettes out on my wrist (close to my hand) and I have to say, I regret those the most. They're so difficult to hide and the scars are red.

I used to deliberately cut before I'd go out with my friends, then wear short sleeves. They didn't really seem to care, no one said anything.

I got caught once when I was younger by my mother. It was terrible. I still think about it to this day, but I didn't get the support I needed and so I kept going.

Sorry I don't have any decent advice. I don't really like to advise on this site.
All I can say is the only sure-fire way to not get caught is to not do it at all.

I'm so sorry that your friends chose to not react. I had a similar thing with my ex, where he pointedly looked at my fresh scars then just continued talking. He just didn't want to deal
I also have the old scars I made in class :) but they are part of me, so i don't really mind

 

[princexhhn]

Do they still see if it's in your inner thigh? That's usually where I cut so that it's not visible. Recently though I crashed out and cut on my arm, which meant I had to wear a jacket outside today TT I don't think there's a surefire way to SH without someone noticing? Especially if they know you've got a history of it already. I try my best not to do it because of the marks and the scars, the disappointment radiating from the people I know, and the possibility that they won't even care anymore that I hurt myself… which is not something I ever want to see. But shit happens:P

 

[DashofPepper]

In my personal experience noone seems to care, my parents knew i was self harming for years and completely ignored it and never even mentioned it to me. Friends have done similar and ignore my scars/marks idk if they feel too awkward to bring it up though.

 

[HopelessScientist]

This might be off-topic but it seemed too heavy for that category.

How do you deal with other people knowing about you SHing? Friends, family, significant others. Are there "tried and tested" ways that don't leave a mark? (besides banging your head into the wall. I used to do that and I feel it made me stupid) I hate making people worry about me or think this is a "cry for help" or a manipulation tactic. I just want to make the self-hate go away and this is the fastest way.

burning my upper thigh worked back when I used to SH. I used a heated spoon and gave myself 2nd degree burns, no scarring, extremely painful (which I liked, it cleared my mind completely). I think it was maybe the endorphin high? I don't now, or just... being in so much damn pain I cannot think. Though my partner knew, and I stopped because they logic'd me out of it four years ago. It was a maladaptive way for me to stop bullying, as a way of saying "please don't hurt me, I am already hurting", but now that I am not bullied, I don't need to SH anymore.

Even if you're crying for help, what's wrong with that?

I have SHd since high school, first only small cuts and burns on my arms, but as my depression worsened, i was doing it regularly. I only ever got to cutting my arms and inner thighs, only a few times really deep. I wanted to quit when I got into my first non-abusive relationship since high school and I've only SHd a few times in those 7 years. That's over though.
I had a shitty few months and did it again last weekend. I feel ashamed in front of my friends and family whenever I do it, but when I feel like I'm at the end of my rope I just kinda do it. It's like a mini black-out where one minute I'm crying, thinking I'm an utter failure, then the other I have my trusty scissors in my hand and my thigh bleeding.

Yeah, I get the shame, the inability to control others reactions, and just... idk. How do you feel when other people notice? Do you wish they wouldn't get too concerned? I think that was my thing. It's my body, SH wasn't going to kill me.

 

[exhaustedgolfcat]

Yeah, I get the shame, the inability to control others reactions, and just... idk. How do you feel when other people notice? Do you wish they wouldn't get too concerned? I think that was my thing. It's my body, SH wasn't going to kill me.

yes, i wished they wouldn't say not to hurt myself. like who cares? it's my way of coping and it's not hurting them
the spoon thing sounds like a good thing to try because i usually SH out of desperation and rage and the whole act of heating up the spoon and waiting around would maybe calm me down

i'm really happy you don't need it anymore. fuck bullies

 

[flatyeticorn]

I self harm, I've cut myself on and off for years. Even cat scratches I made when I was 13 are still visible. I cut mostly on my forearm. Recently, I put about a dozen cigarettes out on my wrist (close to my hand) and I have to say, I regret those the most. They're so difficult to hide and the scars are red.

I used to deliberately cut before I'd go out with my friends, then wear short sleeves. They didn't really seem to care, no one said anything.

I got caught once when I was younger by my mother. It was terrible. I still think about it to this day, but I didn't get the support I needed and so I kept going.

Sorry I don't have any decent advice. I don't really like to advise on this site.
All I can say is the only sure-fire way to not get caught is to not do it at all.

Acupuncture (if it is in your budget or if you can get it for a gift) will help remove the redness of the cigarette burns if you want to lighten them. I used acupuncture a few times to make some of my SH stuff lighten (there are obviously still scars but now they are skin color and not vibrant "look at me!" Red).
I would say it is incredible hard to hide SH from folks that are close to you. I have multiple styles of SH. I stop drinking any fluids for days and try to collapse my organs — that is about the most "I can't see it" way I SH.

I cut. Wrists, legs.

But my favorite, which is still hard to hide, is I pick and dig at my surgical scars until they bleed, scar more, etc.

Regardless, the folks closest to me see the physical outward SH. Like I said, the only thing folks can't seem to notice is when I stop hydrating (which is deadly).

 

[__overlord_00]

i am in a relationship while still... I'd say active in sh because the recent cuts I made were yesterday so- idk...
sh and me wanting to CTB affected my relationship over months after my friend died to suicide and it became a trigger for me and I could constantly want to die.

not to mention she's been through it all and she's also losing control and sometimes I hate myself to make her think that way. or scare her in any way.

i refuse to accept help or understanding from anyone supportive. and this has lead the relationship down to it's lowest points too...and i still hate myself for what I did. i hurt her so many times that i stopped telling her that I'm not okay... not because I don't trust her but it hurts her and indirectly it becomes a means to trigger myself for sh...it's a fucked up situation. i am still with her, but it's not how it started, there's been rough patches, she lost people, so did i, and then how I do things worry her and she's always panicked when my tone sounds off...

i can't blame her for it...I'm the asshole who hurt her...i doesn't have to be intentional...but it hurts knowing what the things I selfishly said or did and the effect it had on her. it was hard to slowly she her getting tired...

 

[twinium]

when i was trying to quit sh i switched to burning the way i did it was barely heating a fork then pressing (not jabbing) the tips of the fork prongs onto my skin most the time my thigh then quickly taking it off my skin the jolt of pain from the burning would make me not want so sh for the rest of the day at least sometimes making me not want to sh for a couple days this would leave little dots on my skin barely noticeable and would go away after like 2 months at most and my boyfriend never noticed of course were long distance but he still saw me naked a lot. this method helped me quit

you said you have a whole mini blackout thing and i feel the method i used takes some self control so im not recommending you try it but just thought i'd tell you how i quit

 

[cyanidekitty]

i personally dont deal with it at all as i see it as a part of me & i do it for my own benefit . my bf doesn like it (as anyone who cared for me wouldnt) but ive already established with him that im uninterested in talking to someone about my thoughts or sh in general

as for trying to hide it, i dont bother but i also dont go out of my way to wear shorts w/o tights. my calves are already scarred up from my childhood due to skin picking & playing outside often sooo its whatever
although i do tend to envy women w clear thighs & legs