Venting Sex work and whatever there is left of me

[SpencerSees]

This is my ritualistic weekly update, while I sit in class I'm way too exhausted to care about.

Recently my constant grindr hookups turned into a bit of a business model with a few returning dates, who began paying me. This has been going on slowly for the past month or so. At first it felt fine, good even, to be so wanted. But guess what it just leaves you empty and dirty. At least I get paid,which I would have appreciated from my uncle as well as a kid. It's my only source of income, as I cannot attend classes with most "flexible" work schedules. I think I always knew I'd end up like this. While I was a smart and pretty creative kid, as an adult (hateful word) I'm basically a carcass passing through daily motions. One of the guys, i think he was austrian, he was actually really nice, and while I have no boundaries, he hit me over the had so hard that my head bounced, it was so scary I had a panic attack. He gave me extra for the damages and hes like handsome but man this barely makes me feel anything at all. Which is horrid considering I was such a catholic kid. He'd probably hate his future self if he saw me. Everyone who knows of this is clearly uncomfortable about it, so I don't mention it. But no one gets that it's part of me, even if its disgusting and stupid and reckless. Another trafficking ring in my country. I cry whenever I read the news. Is it not time for the end yet? How could a kind and loving God allow this? How could the government allow this? No one is protecting kids, no one ever protected me. And even if something terrible happens, it matters so much whether someone saves you or not. I wish there was an ideal boyfriendbrotherdad person who'd just save me

 

[NutOrat]

I hope you're safe right now. Please, always set boundaries and safety limits first, no matter what.

I'm curious, are you still religious? The more I find out about this kind, loving god, the more I'm terrified of him, if he exists.

 

[LostZombie]

You poor thing, you are so mistreated. Having to do THAT to be able to make it must be so hard, I cannot even begin to imagine how much that does to you. Along with the abuse from that guy is just, not cool; you are not a fault for what happened. Along with that the news is also really not fun (I honestly like to only open it up 2 times a week). I understand why you are scared, that is okay.

 

[AZRAEL600]

This is my ritualistic weekly update, while I sit in class I'm way too exhausted to care about.

Recently my constant grindr hookups turned into a bit of a business model with a few returning dates, who began paying me. This has been going on slowly for the past month or so. At first it felt fine, good even, to be so wanted. But guess what it just leaves you empty and dirty. At least I get paid,which I would have appreciated from my uncle as well as a kid. It's my only source of income, as I cannot attend classes with most "flexible" work schedules. I think I always knew I'd end up like this. While I was a smart and pretty creative kid, as an adult (hateful word) I'm basically a carcass passing through daily motions. One of the guys, i think he was austrian, he was actually really nice, and while I have no boundaries, he hit me over the had so hard that my head bounced, it was so scary I had a panic attack. He gave me extra for the damages and hes like handsome but man this barely makes me feel anything at all. Which is horrid considering I was such a catholic kid. He'd probably hate his future self if he saw me. Everyone who knows of this is clearly uncomfortable about it, so I don't mention it. But no one gets that it's part of me, even if its disgusting and stupid and reckless. Another trafficking ring in my country. I cry whenever I read the news. Is it not time for the end yet? How could a kind and loving God allow this? How could the government allow this? No one is protecting kids, no one ever protected me. And even if something terrible happens, it matters so much whether someone saves you or not. I wish there was an ideal boyfriendbrotherdad person who'd just save me

My friend hello. I don't know you but I still think you are suffering from religious trauma. Don't blame yourself no matter what. I don't know if there is God out there but if he is loving I don't believe that he would hate you for such petty things. People do horrible things in the name of religion. So don't think any religious person is better than you. They are not! I know it is difficult but believe me your worth is not determined by any religious document or someone else. Just be nice to others. That is it! And judging by the fact how you are against this horrible crime I truly believe you are a nice person. So don't worry. And even if you don't earn much its okay. You are your own person on ur own path.

 

[SpencerSees]

I hope you're safe right now. Please, always set boundaries and safety limits first, no matter what.

I'm curious, are you still religious? The more I find out about this kind, loving god, the more I'm terrified of him, if he exists.

I don't think I could ever not be religious. I know that it's silly but I guess it was really drilled into me, pun intended, as a kid. I don't know what would cause me more anguish, definitive proof that God exists or that He does not.

 

[Mr. Snrub]

One of the guys, i think he was austrian, he was actually really nice, and while I have no boundaries, he hit me over the had so hard that my head bounced, it was so scary I had a panic attack. He gave me extra for the damages and hes like handsome but man this barely makes me feel anything at all.

That shit will probably escalate if you see him again. Please try to consider yourself, create boundaries and cut off people that display big red flags like that.

 

[SpencerSees]

That shit will probably escalate if you see him again. Please try to consider yourself, create boundaries and cut off people that display big red flags like that.

Yeah I probably won't meet with him again unless the money gets tight. I know I wouldn't want him doing that to anyone else though so I dunno. There are a lot of kids and whatnot he could be hurting instead and that scares me more.

You poor thing, you are so mistreated. Having to do THAT to be able to make it must be so hard, I cannot even begin to imagine how much that does to you. Along with the abuse from that guy is just, not cool; you are not a fault for what happened. Along with that the news is also really not fun (I honestly like to only open it up 2 times a week). I understand why you are scared, that is okay.

I don't know why this made me tear up, but thank you I think.

 

[X-sanguinate86]

Is this considered normal in sex work? Seems like if you had a bouncer that guy would get the shit kicked out of him and told to never return?

 

[setspiritfree]

This is my ritualistic weekly update, while I sit in class I'm way too exhausted to care about.

Recently my constant grindr hookups turned into a bit of a business model with a few returning dates, who began paying me. This has been going on slowly for the past month or so. At first it felt fine, good even, to be so wanted. But guess what it just leaves you empty and dirty. At least I get paid,which I would have appreciated from my uncle as well as a kid. It's my only source of income, as I cannot attend classes with most "flexible" work schedules. I think I always knew I'd end up like this. While I was a smart and pretty creative kid, as an adult (hateful word) I'm basically a carcass passing through daily motions. One of the guys, i think he was austrian, he was actually really nice, and while I have no boundaries, he hit me over the had so hard that my head bounced, it was so scary I had a panic attack. He gave me extra for the damages and hes like handsome but man this barely makes me feel anything at all. Which is horrid considering I was such a catholic kid. He'd probably hate his future self if he saw me. Everyone who knows of this is clearly uncomfortable about it, so I don't mention it. But no one gets that it's part of me, even if its disgusting and stupid and reckless. Another trafficking ring in my country. I cry whenever I read the news. Is it not time for the end yet? How could a kind and loving God allow this? How could the government allow this? No one is protecting kids, no one ever protected me. And even if something terrible happens, it matters so much whether someone saves you or not. I wish there was an ideal boyfriendbrotherdad person who'd just save me

The ultimate question I have for GOD….why did you not protect me as a kid!!!???

 

[SpencerSees]

You have the proof that god does not, and never did, exist. And even if there were a god, what kind of sick psycho could worship a god that lets this world be the way it is?

Me, I guess.

I dunno man I just want someone to like me unconditionally, even if it's an imaginary god who makes bad things happen.

The ultimate question I have for GOD….why did you not protect me as a kid!!!???

Yupp me too. I was only a kid then why didn't anyone notice or help

Is this considered normal in sex work? Seems like if you had a bouncer that guy would get the shit kicked out of him and told to never return?

It might be idk. It happened another time since then. I don't want a pimp or anything as that would just get me deeper. This way I can at least pretend to have a normal life when I'm not with clients.