kyuuketsuki
weeb & neet ♡
- Oct 8, 2023
- 188
so for the past few months, i've not been talking to my mom because she and my brother said some very terrible things to me. i could go into depth but that would make this post longer than it already will be and isn't the point. essentially blaming me for not being happy, saying i use my trauma (that i almost never mention to them) as an excuse for being a failure and saying they're sick of hearing me be depressed on the one weekly group phone call we used to have.
yesterday, i tried to talk through things with my mom. i told her she would lose me if she didn't stop treating me poorly / gaslighting me / denying things that really happened. but she couldn't stop. she just kept denying it and deflecting blame and defending others who have hurt me. she says she cares, but her actions have always said differently. i was trying to get her to stop looking down on me for my abusive childhood, where i was neglected and abused verbally, physically, and sexually by several different people, and how that affects me still as an adult. why i can't just be "normal" yet, but i want to be so badly. she denies most of it. has outright said in the past i was never neglected or abused because "you always had a roof over your head, food to eat, and we didn't live in a trailer."
when i CAN get her to acknowledge any of it, she says she didn't do any of it herself or that she didn't know it was happening or that she was going through her own trauma. she always takes a very "get over it, you're not the only one who has trauma" attitude about it. in the end she just began mocking me, so i stopped responding. she's twice my age, but feels so much more immature. i poured my heart out as honestly as i could, told her this was the end if things didn't change, and she still chose to mock me. so for my own mental well-being, i have to cut her out. thankfully i don't live with her anymore, so it's much easier to do that if i have the willpower.
my heart feels like it's broken. i've been trying to keep my chin up and fight for a better future, but i've essentially just lost my mom. she wasn't a very good mom most of the time, but she was my mom, so i loved her so much nonetheless. i think her treatment of me comes from the fact she never really wanted me, as i was conceived non-consensually. i wish she'd never had a child under such circumstances or put me up for adoption or something, because i've spent my whole life feeling like an unwanted burden. i think she assumes i'll be back no matter what, but i know she's a net negative on my mental health and i can't if i have any self-respect.
the pain of losing her feels like it's tearing me apart, especially since it doesn't seem like she even cared enough to take the conversation seriously. i wanted to believe she could change, that she would if it was as serious as losing me. i'm trying to stay motivated to keep getting better instead of just letting myself pass away. my ED has been back with a vengeance this winter, comorbid with my OCD it's probably the easiest it's ever been for me to just not eat at all, i'm struggling to survive day-to-day. but i don't want to die here, i want to keep fighting for the life i want, even if i know it will never be as good as i see it in my head. but it feels like i essentially just went through a breakup with my mom and i love her so much and i wanted her to love me so much. i feel so jealous when i see / read about people with healthy relationships with their parents. i have no mother or father in my life, yay, i get both mommy and daddy issues. i know i'm supposed to be an adult, but inside i feel like the same scared small child who just wanted to be loved.
the point of this post is, how do i go on from here? has anybody been through anything similar? can someone please give me some advice on what to do with this grief? what should i do? do i wait and hope i get over it like any other break-up? do i go running and crying back to her even if i know she'll never change?
yesterday, i tried to talk through things with my mom. i told her she would lose me if she didn't stop treating me poorly / gaslighting me / denying things that really happened. but she couldn't stop. she just kept denying it and deflecting blame and defending others who have hurt me. she says she cares, but her actions have always said differently. i was trying to get her to stop looking down on me for my abusive childhood, where i was neglected and abused verbally, physically, and sexually by several different people, and how that affects me still as an adult. why i can't just be "normal" yet, but i want to be so badly. she denies most of it. has outright said in the past i was never neglected or abused because "you always had a roof over your head, food to eat, and we didn't live in a trailer."
when i CAN get her to acknowledge any of it, she says she didn't do any of it herself or that she didn't know it was happening or that she was going through her own trauma. she always takes a very "get over it, you're not the only one who has trauma" attitude about it. in the end she just began mocking me, so i stopped responding. she's twice my age, but feels so much more immature. i poured my heart out as honestly as i could, told her this was the end if things didn't change, and she still chose to mock me. so for my own mental well-being, i have to cut her out. thankfully i don't live with her anymore, so it's much easier to do that if i have the willpower.
my heart feels like it's broken. i've been trying to keep my chin up and fight for a better future, but i've essentially just lost my mom. she wasn't a very good mom most of the time, but she was my mom, so i loved her so much nonetheless. i think her treatment of me comes from the fact she never really wanted me, as i was conceived non-consensually. i wish she'd never had a child under such circumstances or put me up for adoption or something, because i've spent my whole life feeling like an unwanted burden. i think she assumes i'll be back no matter what, but i know she's a net negative on my mental health and i can't if i have any self-respect.
the pain of losing her feels like it's tearing me apart, especially since it doesn't seem like she even cared enough to take the conversation seriously. i wanted to believe she could change, that she would if it was as serious as losing me. i'm trying to stay motivated to keep getting better instead of just letting myself pass away. my ED has been back with a vengeance this winter, comorbid with my OCD it's probably the easiest it's ever been for me to just not eat at all, i'm struggling to survive day-to-day. but i don't want to die here, i want to keep fighting for the life i want, even if i know it will never be as good as i see it in my head. but it feels like i essentially just went through a breakup with my mom and i love her so much and i wanted her to love me so much. i feel so jealous when i see / read about people with healthy relationships with their parents. i have no mother or father in my life, yay, i get both mommy and daddy issues. i know i'm supposed to be an adult, but inside i feel like the same scared small child who just wanted to be loved.
the point of this post is, how do i go on from here? has anybody been through anything similar? can someone please give me some advice on what to do with this grief? what should i do? do i wait and hope i get over it like any other break-up? do i go running and crying back to her even if i know she'll never change?
