Severe health problems bring me here

[Jolene79]

I'm new here but was on the site about 4 years ago when I was seriously ill. I somehow made a miraculous recovery but being free to talk about my real feelings on this site really saved me.

I'm here again as I have such horrific health problems my quality of life is pretty much 24 hour torture. I have multiple autoimmune conditions and an awful genetic condition which has become out of control. I now suffer severe problems with extreme physical pain, neuropathy tearing through my head every minute making me cry hysterically most days. I can't eat anymore ( my colon was removed but still have many problems). I live on liquid drinks,; that I can easily cope with but my cognition is going, I'm often feeling confused and afraid and dizzy permanently. The pain is exceptional and I feel like my brain will explode any moment from the pain. My muscles are going and I can't do anything but sit in my chair staring at TV. I manage moments where I go out but I'm screaming inside. I've learnt to hide it and take tramadol every day to try cope.

I have a son whom I adore more than anything. I am a kind loving mum and have given him everything. He knows how much I love him. I absolutely feel sick to the pit of my stomach this is happening. I never ever want to abandon him. However, I am struggling so much with the pace this keeps worsening. I have spent months in hospital. My mum does most the caring and his dad at wknds. I'm like a play friend at the moment and can't look after him.

I was not unwell when I had my son 12 years ago.btw. I fully understand how awful it is to read about parents considering ctb. I had no idea this was coming.

I've already survived a bout of sepsis that nearly killed me and 6 months in hospital. I just spent 2 months in hospital again recently for some awful reaction to something. I'm now being gaslit by doctors. Despite multiple confirmed conditions, the worst symptoms I repeatedly ask for help about are being continually put down to anxiety. I feel hopeless, devastated and sick of my suffering. I'm 40 and have had a dog's life tbh.

I thought an OD would be my easy solution if I get to that point ( I'm not there yet but it's forever in my thoughts now). But reading, I see it is the least effective. I have tramadol and hoped that would be my out. I have read through all methods and can't see a single one that I could go through.

I just wanted to say hi and reach out as an so incredibly lonely in my suffering. I have tried everything imaginable and continue to try in case anyone suggests ways to improve my health.

 

[FuneralCry]

That really sounds so horrific what you have to endure, it's so inhumane how there isn't the option of legalised assisted suicide, just the fact that people cannot escape from extreme torture reliably and peacefully just proves that this existence is so hellish.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I'm new here but was on the site about 4 years ago when I was seriously ill. I somehow made a miraculous recovery but being free to talk about my real feelings on this site really saved me.

I'm here again as I have such horrific health problems my quality of life is pretty much 24 hour torture. I have multiple autoimmune conditions and an awful genetic condition which has become out of control. I now suffer severe problems with extreme physical pain, neuropathy tearing through my head every minute making me cry hysterically most days. I can't eat anymore ( my colon was removed but still have many problems). I live on liquid drinks,; that I can easily cope with but my cognition is going, I'm often feeling confused and afraid and dizzy permanently. The pain is exceptional and I feel like my brain will explode any moment from the pain. My muscles are going and I can't do anything but sit in my chair staring at TV. I manage moments where I go out but I'm screaming inside. I've learnt to hide it and take tramadol every day to try cope.

I have a son whom I adore more than anything. I am a kind loving mum and have given him everything. He knows how much I love him. I absolutely feel sick to the pit of my stomach this is happening. I never ever want to abandon him. However, I am struggling so much with the pace this keeps worsening. I have spent months in hospital. My mum does most the caring and his dad at wknds. I'm like a play friend at the moment and can't look after him.

I was not unwell when I had my son 12 years ago.btw. I fully understand how awful it is to read about parents considering ctb. I had no idea this was coming.

I've already survived a bout of sepsis that nearly killed me and 6 months in hospital. I just spent 2 months in hospital again recently for some awful reaction to something. I'm now being gaslit by doctors. Despite multiple confirmed conditions, the worst symptoms I repeatedly ask for help about are being continually put down to anxiety. I feel hopeless, devastated and sick of my suffering. I'm 40 and have had a dog's life tbh.

I thought an OD would be my easy solution if I get to that point ( I'm not there yet but it's forever in my thoughts now). But reading, I see it is the least effective. I have tramadol and hoped that would be my out. I have read through all methods and can't see a single one that I could go through.

I just wanted to say hi and reach out as an so incredibly lonely in my suffering. I have tried everything imaginable and continue to try in case anyone suggests ways to improve my health.

I think the biggest problem with OD as a method is that by the time you take enough "medicine" to reach lethality, your body will reject it and do everything it can to expel it, which results in not enough of it being absorbed into your system to cause death. Tramadol, if I'm not mistaken, is one of the "weaker" opioids. I think you'd have to consume so much of it and by the time you managed to get enough of it down, it would be coming right back up on you, and you'd have a failed attempt at ctb. OD, in general as a method, is ranked fairly low in terms of effectiveness. I'm sorry you're going through all that you are.

 

[Jolene79]

I think the biggest problem with OD as a method is that by the time you take enough "medicine" to reach lethality, your body will reject it and do everything it can to expel it, which results in not enough of it being absorbed into your system to cause death. Tramadol, if I'm not mistaken, is one of the "weaker" opioids. I think you'd have to consume so much of it and by the time you managed to get enough of it down, it would be coming right back up on you, and you'd have a failed attempt at ctb. OD, in general as a method, is ranked fairly low in terms of effectiveness. I'm sorry you're going through all that you are.

Thankyou. I also have severe bowel problems which I imagine would make it all more difficult. It has really devastated me that even a seemingly comfortable method wouldn't even work. I hate the thought of all these other approaches. They all feel so violent and hideous.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Thankyou. I also have severe bowel problems which I imagine would make it all more difficult. It has really devastated me that even a seemingly comfortable method wouldn't even work. I hate the thought of all these other approaches. They all feel so violent and hideous.

If done correctly, I think CO and inert gas both have the potential to bring about relatively peaceful ends.

 

[Gonnerr]

I'm so sad for you , it's a brutal decision since you have a family. We should live in a world without disease. Do you have assisted suicide in your country , i think here in Canada , you would qualify.

 

[Jolene79]

I'm so sad for you , it's a brutal decision since you have a family. We should live in a world without disease. Do you have assisted suicide in your country , i think here in Canada , you would qualify.

No not here. I have about 5 diagnosed conditions but the symptoms that are causing me to be here are not acknowledged or accepted by the consultants I see. They are now gaslighting me quite severely. I am losing all the sensory nerves through my body. It's been going on for years but is now severe and affecting all my cranial nerves. So even though I go on about this and have begged for help they just suggest it's not happening. I am diagnosed with multiple conditions that can cause this and still they're on this road. Basically, I imagine that could impact getting assisted suicide even if it were legal here.

I don't know how I could go do it with my son. I am trying to hang on to the very last moment imaginable for him. I don't want to leave him, it breaks my heart. I am scared what will happen is in absolute terror and desperation over my symptoms I will one day run in front of a car or jump off something. I cannot imagine messing it up and surviving. I prey every night it will just take me in my sleep