Chiisai
To infinity and beyond!
- Sep 1, 2021
- 755
Thanks for your thoughts and honesty. I believe its no easy feat to share that with strangers but the thought of you sharing your experience to make others realize that some ideas are not worth doing is thoughtful and generous.I have these urges from time to time. I have a very hidden violent sadist inside me and sometimes when I'm contemplating ctb I wind up planning a killing spree that ends in suicide by cop. Other times, I randomly find I'm again obsessed with wanting to torture and kill, and the shame from that causes me to want to die. It's a part of myself that I really, really am ashamed of. Very few people know. Those who know, I wish I hadn't told them.
Look. These kinds of thoughts are really hard to experience, and getting help is even harder. There is just a LOT of fear surrounding this subject, with good reason, alongside stigma. The best thing for me has been having an outlet. I largely forbid myself from watching videos of that stuff these days because it just feeds the fantasy. Instead I express it creatively. I'm into writing & recording songs, journaling, making short interactive fiction games, that kind of thing. I also trust my therapist enough to tell her and get it off my chest when I'm going that direction. Have these things cured me? No. Has it made me feel better? Absolutely.
I've engaged in animal slaughter a few times, and I don't think I'd recommend it. It just sort of pours gasoline on the fire. As does watching videos of people being murdered. Try not to engage directly with these urges and instead find an outlet that works for you to redirect the intensity.
You can PM me if you want to chat more. Of course, I absolutely do not want you to hurt another person or people. For so many reasons. You do not have my blessing on this idea. But I can relate to what you're feeling and I'm here to listen and offer my perspective if you'd like. Its a hard subject many are unable to relate to or are unwilling to engage in a conversation about.
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