Sensations and thoughts behind Self-Harm

[Catcrazygirl]

I want to share and discuss some thoughts on motivations and feelings on cutting and self harming here- as I obviously cannot do so anywhere else.

First real post here so pls bear with formatting and language!

I've noticed it's very divided here, people who self harm and those who don't, and I want to ask the community about why you do this and if SH feels unique or special than other actions. Because personally, these days it is one of my most unique experiences (for context I've been SH for abt 8 months).

When I cut myself it feels so good, it doesn't feel loud and confusing like every other aspect of existence. Cutting myself is the only time I feel things are simple, that I've done some good, it's like a moment of clarity. It's the only time I feel assured I've done something good and simple. Personally, I cut myself to right my wrongs, if I've done something bad to someone, I believe that hurting myself for that stops me repeating it, punishes me, and kind of balances things out energetically. I have been consistently good at hiding my SH so when I know I can do it, I have no worries about what others may think, no worries about the morality of my decision, no worries about how it affects others. It is something purely my own.

This idea was prompted about two months ago, I had started cutting myself really bad and I had a realisation that just the feeling, the warmth, the relaxation I felt from it was incomparable. I had been feeling so alone and confused that week, but in that moment I lay down and felt the pain and blood warm me and I felt whole and relaxed, and not completely like an awful person.

Furthermore, the other day I found a new knife to cut myself with, i tried and it felt so sharp. And I was excited. Genuinely excited. I smiled hard. And realised I hadn't smiled like that without anxiety or pressure in so long.

I'm sharing this to find any relatable experiences. Does anyone else find that existence is confusing and abusive to them, and that SH-ing is the only time anything pure or calm is felt. Like it's the only time you're sure about something?
Thank you for reading.

 

[cgrtt.brns]

sry my heads not in a place to write a thought out response but i do get what you mean about feeling calm while shing. i wonder if its because the brain drops everything and focuses on the pain and the injury as like a survival instinct to draw your attention to it so you know you're hurt and can care for it or stop/get away from whatever it is that caused it, and maybe thats why the thoughts and feelings suddenly come to a stop for a bit. as far as being comforted by seeing the wound/blood or feeling the pain, thats probably a learned thing, like you said about feeling you need to be punished for something and then being relieved that you took control of the punishment and did it yourself so you dont have to worry about anyone/thing else punishing you or just that the punishment is over and you can kinda reset. idk im just word vomiting. it is kinda weird thinking about it outside of when its happening how i start to laugh uncontrollably or just feel like butterflies in my stomach when i see myself bleed, itd be interesting to know why that happens. ive been shing for around ten years now and even though the size/severity of my sh has gradually increased over that time due to becoming desensitized to it, i still get the same feeling every time i see the blood as i did the first time. however as soon as im out of that head space and have to clean up and care for the wound for weeks it definitely gets annoying lol

 

[hikikomorizombie]

for me self harming's cathartic. my cutting routine has always been v methodical, & it's soothing. i also liked seeing my own blood & watching the healing process. the healing part's just as satisfying as watching ur skin split & the blood start to flow, to me.

i can relate to the smiling hard/excitement. for me it's before i begin cutting. it's like it bubbles up within me & is released when i make the 1st cut.

 

[Catcrazygirl]

sry my heads not in a place to write a thought out response but i do get what you mean about feeling calm while shing. i wonder if its because the brain drops everything and focuses on the pain and the injury as like a survival instinct to draw your attention to it so you know you're hurt and can care for it or stop/get away from whatever it is that caused it, and maybe thats why the thoughts and feelings suddenly come to a stop for a bit. as far as being comforted by seeing the wound/blood or feeling the pain, thats probably a learned thing, like you said about feeling you need to be punished for something and then being relieved that you took control of the punishment and did it yourself so you dont have to worry about anyone/thing else punishing you or just that the punishment is over and you can kinda reset. idk im just word vomiting. it is kinda weird thinking about it outside of when its happening how i start to laugh uncontrollably or just feel like butterflies in my stomach when i see myself bleed, itd be interesting to know why that happens. ive been shing for around ten years now and even though the size/severity of my sh has gradually increased over that time due to becoming desensitized to it, i still get the same feeling every time i see the blood as i did the first time. however as soon as im out of that head space and have to clean up and care for the wound for weeks it definitely gets annoying lol

Don't apologise! You're making much sense to me. That's a good explanation how it may be a kinda survival instinct, our brains can only focus on pain and wounds when so happens- very unfortunate still having to force ourselves into those instincts to feel happy or contented.

Seeing our own blood is a weird experience, defo understand how our brains wouldn't like it. The contemplation of bringing our insides to the outside must be disturbing to the brain- perhaps you get nervous because of conflicting of you wanting to hurt yourself, yet it goes against your biology which sets off your nerves? Or perhaps the brain is trying to force the feeling of happiness through laughter?

And yes defo the wounds and scars are annoying to deal with aftermath, and prolongs the whole ordeal, like every time you need to attend to them you remember what made you do it

 

[cgrtt.brns]

Don't apologise! You're making much sense to me. That's a good explanation how it may be a kinda survival instinct, our brains can only focus on pain and wounds when so happens- very unfortunate still having to force ourselves into those instincts to feel happy or contented.

Seeing our own blood is a weird experience, defo understand how our brains wouldn't like it. The contemplation of bringing our insides to the outside must be disturbing to the brain- perhaps you get nervous because of conflicting of you wanting to hurt yourself, yet it goes against your biology which sets off your nerves? Or perhaps the brain is trying to force the feeling of happiness through laughter?

And yes defo the wounds and scars are annoying to deal with aftermath, and prolongs the whole ordeal, like every time you need to attend to them you remember what made you do it

im glad i made some sense xD sry when i said butterflies in my stomach i meant the good kind, i never get nervous when i sh (at least not until after the first cut), in fact quite the opposite, i get really excited and giddy. what u said about seeing our insides on the outside being disturbing for the brain makes a lot of sense which kinda makes me confused about the way we react to it, youd think the brain would do everything it could to stop it but its practically euphoric which makes it so addictive.
n yeah, even tho the healing process is interesting to witness, after a while it gets kinda old lol

 

[Catcrazygirl]

im glad i made some sense xD sry when i said butterflies in my stomach i meant the good kind, i never get nervous when i sh (at least not until after the first cut), in fact quite the opposite, i get really excited and giddy. what u said about seeing our insides on the outside being disturbing for the brain makes a lot of sense which kinda makes me confused about the way we react to it, youd think the brain would do everything it could to stop it but its practically euphoric which makes it so addictive.
n yeah, even tho the healing process is interesting to witness, after a while it gets kinda old lol

Ahhh sorry yes- I understand what you're saying! It is strange, the seemingly inappropriate response to pain and blood. Especially about getting excited to be able to sh. Perhaps it's feeling of control, and full autonomy of ourselves, our brains are aware we're doing this to ourselves and it is what will make us feel better, and satisfied, more productive etc. And the subsequent euphoria felt is very real and sought afterwards. It is addictive- I think many people don't understand that. I am sorry if I'm being appropriate, I don't know your feeling and thoughts, but perhaps when feeling suicidal, self harm can feel good bc it's a step towards lethal self harm- suicide. The feeling of the touch of death makes is so addictive.

Yeah- the healing process can just be commonplace in life sometimes.

 

[cgrtt.brns]

but perhaps when feeling suicidal, self harm can feel good bc it's a step towards lethal self harm- suicide. The feeling of the touch of death makes is so addictive.

id never rly thought about it like this, that does make sense.