Self worth made things worse

[justkatie]

I hated myself as a child. Hated more than anything else.

I was so ugly and unpopular and awful at sports and art and the things all the "cool" kids were good at.

I was the nerdy, smart and ugly girl that everyone mocked and picked on.

This ideal continued into my teenage years and adulthood.

About ten years ago when I was 30 (and not long after my mother had died) I came to a major realisation in life. I'm not going to share it here as it's personal but it really helped me see me as a person.

The days of me hating everything about myself started to fade away and I realised that not only am I a decent person, that I deserve things that I've earned through hard work.

Sadly life didn't keep up with my newfound positivity and life kept on kicking me in the face as it has done my entire life.

So bizarrely this has made my want to ctb increase massively.

When I was full of self loathing and hatred I felt I deserved to suffer and I deserved a shit life of unhappiness as that was what I was worth. It didn't make me want to ctb as I wanted to suffer.

Coming to the conclusion that I am worth it and that I do deserve better but still being stuck in a dreadful life with no way out of it (please don't patronise me with tips, I've heard them all) has made me want to end it.

Im just tired of it all. Realising that I've deserved better my entire life and yet seeing life not caring (and nor should it, it's not a balancing act) about my rise in myself and adjusting accordingly, made me just give up.

It's so difficult knowing you are worth more but realising that nothing will every change and this is you for life.

I don't know how to get past this. My life isn't going to change without a miracle happening so this is what I've got to look forward to.

 

[Nothing Left]

That's amazing that you were able to change your self-concept like that.

I'm sorry that the change in beliefs isn't reflecting for you in the "3D".

It seems like some people are able to reap the fruits of these kinds of changes, and then the rest of us are just getting our asses kicked by the matrix.

 

[justkatie]

That's amazing that you were able to change your self-concept like that.

I'm sorry that the change in beliefs isn't reflecting for you in the "3D".

It seems like some people are able to reap the fruits of these kinds of changes, and then the rest of us are just getting our asses kicked by the matrix.

Haha it's so frustrating beating depression to realise that nothing changes when you do lol

Life isn't inherently fair and some of sadly suck up a lot of the unfair.

 

[Trav1989]

I hated myself as a child. Hated more than anything else.

I was so ugly and unpopular and awful at sports and art and the things all the "cool" kids were good at.

I was the nerdy, smart and ugly girl that everyone mocked and picked on.

This ideal continued into my teenage years and adulthood.

About ten years ago when I was 30 (and not long after my mother had died) I came to a major realisation in life. I'm not going to share it here as it's personal but it really helped me see me as a person.

The days of me hating everything about myself started to fade away and I realised that not only am I a decent person, that I deserve things that I've earned through hard work.

Sadly life didn't keep up with my newfound positivity and life kept on kicking me in the face as it has done my entire life.

So bizarrely this has made my want to ctb increase massively.

When I was full of self loathing and hatred I felt I deserved to suffer and I deserved a shit life of unhappiness as that was what I was worth. It didn't make me want to ctb as I wanted to suffer.

Coming to the conclusion that I am worth it and that I do deserve better but still being stuck in a dreadful life with no way out of it (please don't patronise me with tips, I've heard them all) has made me want to end it.

Im just tired of it all. Realising that I've deserved better my entire life and yet seeing life not caring (and nor should it, it's not a balancing act) about my rise in myself and adjusting accordingly, made me just give up.

It's so difficult knowing you are worth more but realising that nothing will every change and this is you for life.

I don't know how to get past this. My life isn't going to change without a miracle happening so this is what I've got to look forward to.

Let's compare notes:

I loved my childhood, had two great parents and a younger brother. School was great and I was always one of the better looking boys and somewhat popular. My teenage years were for the most part alright until I came to the realization that I was going to have to work for 30+ years in which I did my first attempt at CTB at 17.

I never hated myself but I did hate the way the world was and how manufactured our world was, I wanted no part of the ruler/serf system and begrudgingly was part of it for 15+ years.

I am now 35 and despite others telling me "things will get better" incessantly for years it has grown tiresome placating them.

The only thing that would have kept me from fulfilling my desire to CTB was finding true love. I was married for a bit over 6 years to a woman who couldn't communicate for the life of her and would get offended due to lack of comprehension which led her to leaving me for another man who happened to end up taking advantage of my ex-wife and pimped her out without her even realizing it and got her hooked on drugs. The last time I talked to her (a year and a half ago) I couldn't even understand what she was saying and when her boyfriend grabbed the phone he told me that my ex-wife was going to screw half a dozen guys that night while a bunch of men laughed in the background.

I CLEARLY failed at love because I would have a tendency to talk about "deep" subject matter which led to my wife looking for a more "normal" partner and by doing so her life was ruined and as a result of that my life was ruined as well.

I came to the conclusion that the life we created as humans was and will never be for me. I am a victim of a system I was never even capable of adhering to as though I were but a defective cog in a machine that needs to be thrown out.

Sometimes the issue isn't you, it's the game as a whole. Some of us lack the tools to play our part and to even partake in it to begin with we must lessen ourselves to fit the standard asked of us, we can either comply and eke out some semblance of a living or we can choose to catch the bus.

Don't get me wrong, I tried to deal with the human condition in relation to the manufactured "reality" we created for ourselves but it just wasn't for me.

Trust me, the school years were meaningless and the only thing that truly matters in regards to your ability to deal with this life is compliance, every day we comply with obligations ourselves or others impose upon us. I was never very keen on taking orders and was stubborn to the core of my being.

Such is why my marriage failed, I failed at my job, I failed at making many friends, and I very nearly failed at keeping what little freedom I have left.

After your headed far enough down the rails on this train known as life your options begin to run out and before you know it each station becomes further and further apart and each one is a slightly worst destination than the last. If you can't recognize when it's the right time depart you can be in for quite the revelation.

I guess you could say thats why I have chosen to CTB in the near future. Currently my life is stagnant and mostly kosher but I can tell that things are teetering on the scales and everything could come crashing down in an instant. I am waiting with bated breath for that one red flag to raise itself and I'll be raising a glass of SN in response.

Also, your physical beauty is meaningless and so are 99% of the friendships you make in this life. Who you are as an individual is the paramount factor that determines your worth in regards to integrity. By even having the courage to make an account and post your true feelings on this forum you are more beautiful than most will ever know.

Always let your inner beauty shine like a lighthouse and those who are worth your time will arrive when you need them most because those that can't/refuse to see such are blinded by the petty trivialities of life and have been driven to accept wanton ignorance as truth.

 

[disgustingman70]

I hated myself as a child. Hated more than anything else.

I was so ugly and unpopular and awful at sports and art and the things all the "cool" kids were good at.

I was the nerdy, smart and ugly girl that everyone mocked and picked on.

This ideal continued into my teenage years and adulthood.

About ten years ago when I was 30 (and not long after my mother had died) I came to a major realisation in life. I'm not going to share it here as it's personal but it really helped me see me as a person.

The days of me hating everything about myself started to fade away and I realised that not only am I a decent person, that I deserve things that I've earned through hard work.

Sadly life didn't keep up with my newfound positivity and life kept on kicking me in the face as it has done my entire life.

So bizarrely this has made my want to ctb increase massively.

When I was full of self loathing and hatred I felt I deserved to suffer and I deserved a shit life of unhappiness as that was what I was worth. It didn't make me want to ctb as I wanted to suffer.

Coming to the conclusion that I am worth it and that I do deserve better but still being stuck in a dreadful life with no way out of it (please don't patronise me with tips, I've heard them all) has made me want to end it.

Im just tired of it all. Realising that I've deserved better my entire life and yet seeing life not caring (and nor should it, it's not a balancing act) about my rise in myself and adjusting accordingly, made me just give up.

It's so difficult knowing you are worth more but realising that nothing will every change and this is you for life.

I don't know how to get past this. My life isn't going to change without a miracle happening so this is what I've got to look forward to.

I hear ya on this. Talk about my life exactly.

 

[Bassem]

100% agree, For me at least I found comfort and logicality in self loathing (Oh I'm a terrible person so it's only natural that this awful thing happens to me) and so on but every now and again I'd get glimpses of "I deserve better than this" and everytime they'd come I'd get filled with dread thinking about how stuck, Helpless and powerless I am when it comes to having a better , I try to compare the things I have control over vs the things I don't which are affecting my life in a negative fashion and everytime I realise that the circumstances which are completely out of my control are the ones making me miserable (Being born in a 3rd world country and having no way out, Having clinical depression and a mental disorder ,being betrayed by my friends, Basically being bullied in school about my religious choices ruining the only social environment I was in and turning me into a shut in for years, Being locked up in a mental asylum against my will, Not having enough money and so on) so yeah you probably do deserve better but not in this lifetime