Self-sabotage -- hate myself

[neverever]

I mess up everything. I messed up my romantic partnership of six years, I've messed up relationships with my immediate family, I've messed up my schooling (dropped out of THREE postgraduate academic programs after one to two semesters), and I've messed up countless jobs. I just received a call from a supervisor asking about my "uncharacteristic" delinquency on a recent project. Such a familiar scenario, as I've received similar ones from many supervisors over the years. Yes, when I am on track, I am very conscientious; when I am off track, I am totally useless, completely irresponsible. I hate my pattern. I flip back and forth from being an "A" student, worker, family member to being an "F" student. I can't live with myself.

 

[tonygw]

I am really sorry for the way your life is going, if you feel comfortable I am here if you wanna talk about it

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

That sounds awful. Are there any trends that you notice when you're off-track? Excess stress, concentration issues, fatigue, etc?

 

[neverever]

That sounds awful. Are there any trends that you notice when you're off-track? Excess stress, concentration issues, fatigue, etc?
Excess stress, concentration issues, and fatigue all contribute to my being off-track. Currently, I am severely depressed, and there is only about one hour per day when I feel the clarity that allows me to work. I am so disappointed that I sank to this low of depression again. In the past, the problems have been caused by either severe depression or high anxiety that has led me to engage in repetitive distracting activity (exercising, walking, organizing things) to calm myself down before beginning to work, resulting in my having insufficient time to actually work.

 

[NodusTollens]

I mess up everything. I messed up my romantic partnership of six years, I've messed up relationships with my immediate family, I've messed up my schooling (dropped out of THREE postgraduate academic programs after one to two semesters), and I've messed up countless jobs. I just received a call from a supervisor asking about my "uncharacteristic" delinquency on a recent project. Such a familiar scenario, as I've received similar ones from many supervisors over the years. Yes, when I am on track, I am very conscientious; when I am off track, I am totally useless, completely irresponsible. I hate my pattern. I flip back and forth from being an "A" student, worker, family member to being an "F" student. I can't live with myself.

Sorry to hear that OP, the endings of relationships are hard to manage, emotional roller coasters & school work is challenging enough, let alone when you're not feeling like yourself. Please try not to blame everything on yourself, you're doing what you can in a situation that isn't ideal.

I hope things work out the way you need them to.

—hugs—

 

[Deleted member 17949]

same tbh

 

[Arthaniel]

I mess up everything. I messed up my romantic partnership of six years, I've messed up relationships with my immediate family, I've messed up my schooling (dropped out of THREE postgraduate academic programs after one to two semesters), and I've messed up countless jobs. I just received a call from a supervisor asking about my "uncharacteristic" delinquency on a recent project. Such a familiar scenario, as I've received similar ones from many supervisors over the years. Yes, when I am on track, I am very conscientious; when I am off track, I am totally useless, completely irresponsible. I hate my pattern. I flip back and forth from being an "A" student, worker, family member to being an "F" student. I can't live with myself.

I've always said that stupid people are happier in life. Lack of work, breakdowns of relationships, few children with different partners, living on benefits but somehow unaware of their own worthlessness, they go through life, knowing that "somehow it will be" unfortunately this forum does not associate stupid people, you definitely do not belong to them. I know how you feel with your thoughts and all I can do for you is to make a toast.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

There's no shame in taking breaks from schooling or switching programs, no matter what anyone says. Your sentiment resonates deeply with me because I've had similar problems. I got accepted into an Ivy League school, but had applied before my illness charged in to ruin my life, guns blazing.

Before this I had dropped out of my first 2 bachelors program and switched my degree course as well, all the while slowly crashing and burning from stress and high expectations. I am still beating myself up that I didn't go to that university. The uni I'm at now is fine, however, knowing I had to throw away such an amazing opportunity simply because my body is an amalgamation of broken parts is something will probably haunt me the rest of my life.

It is good that you know your limits. It is easy to burn out when you are pushing yourself so hard to fulfill an expectation like being a high achieving student, all while your mind and body are waging war against you. If you want to do postgraduate study again, research the department of your prospective uni and try to get a feel for what sort of person your supervisor is, how forgiving they are, etc.

I'm so sorry about losing your partner as well during all this. That must be devastating beyond belief.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

That sounds awful. Are there any trends that you notice when you're off-track? Excess stress, concentration issues, fatigue, etc?
Excess stress, concentration issues, and fatigue all contribute to my being off-track. Currently, I am severely depressed, and there is only about one hour per day when I feel the clarity that allows me to work. I am so disappointed that I sank to this low of depression again. In the past, the problems have been caused by either severe depression or high anxiety that has led me to engage in repetitive distracting activity (exercising, walking, organizing things) to calm myself down before beginning to work, resulting in my having insufficient time to actually work.

Agh, anxiety and depression are brutal. It's very difficult to try and manage life when you're in the throes of a severe episode of either, and it's so incredibly painful when mental illness disrupts relationships.

 

[neverever]

Thanks for the support. Yes, I am prone through heritage and history to episodes of severe depression and anxiety. And, frustratingly, though I have invested immense effort throughout my life in learning to manage these disruptions, I am not armored against them.

My partner did not say why he left me in September after six happy years, but I reason that he left because he, a neurotypical man, was fatigued from the disruptions that my mental illness causes. I was in a healthy phase when he left. I had been happy and stable for many months. I was more fit (I am an athlete) than I'd ever been in my life, and work was going well. But the trauma of the sudden loss of the relationship triggered a depressive episode. Now I must manage the effects of the episode without the partner support to which I'd become accustomed.

Plus, I have a heavy workload, it is the holiday season, I was left to manage our house and all logistics by myself. It is too much. And it is waging war on my life, as explained above. I'm sabotaging myself into total destruction.

 

[OrdinaryDay]

I'm sorry it is this way for you. I hate myself too. Everyone else probably hates me too including my family but I can't really kms because of them(?)

 

[neverever]

I am so ashamed of myself. I feel like I am cloaked in shame constantly as I walk around throughout the day. It physically pains me to think about myself. I am so ashamed of who I am.

 

[mlmc045]

I mess up everything. I messed up my romantic partnership of six years, I've messed up relationships with my immediate family, I've messed up my schooling (dropped out of THREE postgraduate academic programs after one to two semesters), and I've messed up countless jobs. I just received a call from a supervisor asking about my "uncharacteristic" delinquency on a recent project. Such a familiar scenario, as I've received similar ones from many supervisors over the years. Yes, when I am on track, I am very conscientious; when I am off track, I am totally useless, completely irresponsible. I hate my pattern. I flip back and forth from being an "A" student, worker, family member to being an "F" student. I can't live with myself.

Really sorry to hear things are tough for you at the moment. I'm not sure if there's anything I can say to comfort you, but you are NOT a screw up, life is treating you terribly. Feel free to message if you want to chat. This post resonates with me as I recently came out of a long term relationship and my situation with my family feels strained at the moment (after my attempt at the start of the year, I feel like they're scared of me). I'm also really struggling with academia, despite having very supportive supervisors. I HATE being off track but I just cannot get any work done and it's really upsetting me. I already have an extension on my research project, but I have to put the work in and I just can't at the moment :( I also have upcoming assignments which I didn't submit last year because I was going to CTB anyway, and I've been allowed to re-submit them this year but I'm scared I won't be able to complete them. Academia is super stressful, but I truly wish you every success, in your studies and in life. Is your institution supportive? Also, losing a partner is HORRIBLE, and while it sounds cliché and possible annoying, it may just be one door closing, so another (better one) can open hopefully and it is NOT a reflection of you as a person, rather that the wrong person chose not to choose you, and you deserve to be chosen for the wonderful being you are. Sending love and light x

 

[neverever]

I cannot believe that I have to awaken every day into this mind and body that torture me. Can the powers above just take my life, please?

 

[Noriv159]

You seem very sharp, though. At least you're not me.

 

[neverever]

You seem very sharp, though. At least you're not me.

No, you are great. *Hugs*.