Self punishment by staying?

[WhenTheTimeComes]

Im wondering if anyone ever tortures themselves by staying longer. I've always gone through the cycle of wanting to CBT so bad but telling myself it's not what I deserve and punishing myself by saying to stay and deal with how shitty everything feels. I know deep down I deserve to go out in peace but I get so scared that when I die I will face nothing or even worse I'll face all of my wrongs from life. I don't think I believe in god but if I did I would be terrified to face my creator and say how much I despised what I am and what they made me.

 

[Amumu]

Yes, that's a form of masochism but I'm staying due to some responsibilities as well.
I'm sorry you have the same feeling of self punishment, it's quite unbearable.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

It can feel like a vicious circle. You put everything off because you are confident that you will CTB in the close future, but when the time comes you do not go through with it, and then you look back at the time were you put it all off only to realise you could have done something useful in that time.

 

[sarahR]

Yes, I do that, I really wanna go and rest. Have everything I need to do so. But somehow something in me prevents me to let myself free. Maybe hurting my family, I'm the type of person that thinks a mom and a dad shouldn't have to bury their daughter or son. So what I'm trying to say is yes I'm punishing myself not to hurt others. Dunno until when I will be able to do this...

 

[CoalmineCanary]

I feel like I'm punishing myself and those around me longer. I feel incredibly guilty for existing. Sorry for venting.