Self-Perception

[fawnfurever]

I wonder, do most of you who have been brought here think you want to leave because you don't like your life/circumstances or you don't like yourself? Is it mainly an external or internal factor? What pushes you?

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish to permanently cease existing as existence could never be worth it for me, I see it as deeply undesirable to exist in every way possible, I just have no interest in being conscious in this cruel, futile existence capable of suffering to unlimited extents, to me existence itself is an abomination and I see existence itself as the ultimate problem that only permanently ceasing to exist can solve for me. For me never existing ever again is all I could see as positive, existence just feels like the most terrible tragic mistake to me that just causes suffering all for the sake of it and problems there were never a need for.

I'd always prefer to permanently not exist than be burdened with this torturous existence I never would have chosen in the first place, I see it as so tragic how this existence of pointless suffering was even imposed and the thought of prolonging the suffering of existing just to die in agony from old age is so horrific and unbearable to me, I just don't want to suffer at all rather I just want peace instead, peace for me could only lie in an eternal dreamless sleep where all is finally forgotten about.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Both really. I recognize that I have faults that I ought to have worked on harder. Like social anxiety and lack of confidence. Definitely, part of the problem is me. I have let certain things become debilitating for me.

I don't exactly hate myself for those faults though. I don't think it's entirely surprising I have them either, considering some of the elements of my childhood.

Yes, I should have been braver and put more energy into overcoming them. Still, I'm not sure who I'd need to turn into to do well in this world. I'm not sure I'd like them even!

A former boss once told me I needed to show my teeth now and again. Really though- I thought- I shouldn't need to. You shouldn't be employing people who you know don't do their job, slack off, take the piss and expect me to manage them! Why do we need to become angry to get things done?

Overall though, it's maybe that I feel mismatched to the era we're in. My skills were more in need 40-50 years ago. I may have done better in life if I had been born way back then.

I suppose I'm just not keen on the setup of life: consumerism, capitalism either. I just don't think life is worth the effort to sustain. Any option seems like too much work for too little reward- in my view. I suppose we could blame individuals for that- the people at the top that exploit us, while we exploit others. Really though- it's simply being born into a physical body that has endless needs. So, that one's on our parents really.