Self Loathing & Anger

[Archness]

Sometimes I get so hateful & angry. So much self-loathing in my mind, my brain so drunk with rage I can barely think.

Rly. My brain can feel emotions so intense I start having problems just thinking at all!

Honestly, yet another defect on the list. Ah-

It's really a good thing I can easily isolate myself rn.

Thinking back on that episode shortly before I wrote this, all that self-loathing and hatred @ myself, it really is justified.
Soo defective, useless. People give and give and I return nothing. People hope and encourage and I just disappoint, doing the bare minimum, and they pretend that's "O K".

Sometimes, I kinda wish someone would really hate me in my face. Not like mother, where she's just in a bad mood, frustrated, etc. More like they genuinely wish for me to be dead and spread across the streets, not out of anger, but because I really am so fucking unworthy of life.
Mother's just annoying. Concerned people can be rly annoying. Luckily I didn't expect people caring that I'm suicidal, depressed, "like this", etc; but I'd quickly get annoyed even at that.

I know people dislike me and wished I didn't bother them, but lie and pretend.

In that moment before writing this, I was enraged, hating just existing.


I'm soo done for. It's gonna get worse and worse until I make it stop, isn't it?
I can only hope and pray I'm wrong.

I'm loosing control, I'm plummeting...

Stop it
Stop it
Stop it

.........

 

[m1v]

Archness,
I can feel your anger just from your words, it must be unbearable to often feel that way. It's interesting that you want someone to truly hate and despise you, I wonder why? I thought it meant something like: you want people to want you to die, basically, they want you to find your happiness. That's off-topic, but have you tried taking antidepressants? Sometimes they blunt your emotions out, which prevents you from 'feeling' anything (like anger, happiness etc..) Stay strong, much love <3

 

[Archness]

Archness,
I can feel your anger just from your words, it must be unbearable to often feel that way. It's interesting that you want someone to truly hate and despise you, I wonder why? I thought it meant something like: you want people to want you to die, basically, they want you to find your happiness. That's off-topic, but have you tried taking antidepressants? Sometimes they blunt your emotions out, which prevents you from 'feeling' anything (like anger, happiness etc..) Stay strong, much love <3

Ah, I've never tried anti-depressants. Not rly sure if going the druggie route would be good in the long-term, maybe it wouldn't rly be effective at all.

Most of these feelings are emerging from my situation, not just "out of nowhere". I'm also autistic, but I don't have any of the "benefits" it's supposed to give you... In a way, I'm defective, and that's why I'm where I am now. I don't think there's ever gonna be a "cure" for autism.

That feeling of wanting someone else to hate me is only there when I'm soo angry and hateful towards myself. It would still feel bad, and if someone actually went to my face and spat hatred and trash out their mouth I might assault them.

I could tell most people somewhat dislike me, but tried to do what was "The right thing to do". No matter how much help they could give, it wouldn't really fix me, youknow. Fucking pointless. I really want someone to say "Shut up fools! They're a useless autist!" because that's the sad, blackpill truth.

Once, someone basically but in ALL the effort to make me a friend, and it still failed.

tl;dr : If people hatted me for being so inferior, I wouldn't like them, but they'd be right, ppl who "believe in me" are just wrong. I don't like the 1st group, but they're right. I just feel sad for the 2nd group, just wrong, their hopes misplaced.

idk, I hope you understand better.

 

[m1v]

I understand better now, sorry for the confusion earlier.

In other words, you want nothing, but the 'truth', well, what you think may be the truth. If most people dislike you, then you should delete them from your lane. it's easier said than done, I know. Learning to not give a damn shit about others is pretty beneficial in the long term.

In my case, antidepressants (Zoloft and Prozac) helped me a lot with managing emotions or more like they got blunted out. Most of my anger simply disappear. I rarely feel angry anymore. That was my circumstance, of course, it might not work for you, but it never kills to give it a try. It makes me feel extremely empty and dead, but I like that. and you might too.

I wish you the best, take care. xx