BoredAndALL
Member
- Dec 25, 2023
- 9
Just pure incoherent word vomit.
Just when I thought I was making progress with my health, suicidal thoughts come crashing down onto me full force. Sure, suicidal ideation has always been at the back of my mind throughout the days but it really went from 30 to 100 real quick.
I've kept myself busy. I've gone out with my friends. I've exercised. I've eaten healthy (I even munch on raw leaves). I've kept off social media. Compared to my past chronically online self, I'm a neanderthal now. I try to watch those self help videos and follow the steps and procedures. I've done journaling. I've slept in relatively early in order to wake up early. I've had so much progress in my personal habits. Colleagues praise me for keeping up healthy and productive front.
Yet all it takes is 1 sleepless night for me fall back into my old ways. In my insomnia induced ruminations, I'd think about how my whole self help journey has just been smoke and mirrors and I'd die if I were anywhere outside the comfort of my familiar home. I'm just a child trying to cosplay as an adult. All my motivation to work, play and improve my general health came from knowing I had support, support I've deceived out of my parents, but support nonetheless. If my parents were to kick me out (cuz they will once they find out the truth), I'd prolly ctb at the rental place the first month. Fuck landlords tho so it's still a win.
Nowadays, more than ever, I'm just so numb, what with all these responsibilities I don't have enough drive to take on. Luckily death is always there to be a back up plan.
I'm just itching for death. It'd be so easy to jump out my 9th floor balcony but I want my parents apartment to keep (some) of its value. One set decision is the setting and time. All that's left is the main act. I've scratched a lot of ideas off but also gained a lot of methods from lurking on here. Thank goodness for this website and the concept of eternal slumber. At least there's one thing I can look forward to.
Just when I thought I was making progress with my health, suicidal thoughts come crashing down onto me full force. Sure, suicidal ideation has always been at the back of my mind throughout the days but it really went from 30 to 100 real quick.
I've kept myself busy. I've gone out with my friends. I've exercised. I've eaten healthy (I even munch on raw leaves). I've kept off social media. Compared to my past chronically online self, I'm a neanderthal now. I try to watch those self help videos and follow the steps and procedures. I've done journaling. I've slept in relatively early in order to wake up early. I've had so much progress in my personal habits. Colleagues praise me for keeping up healthy and productive front.
Yet all it takes is 1 sleepless night for me fall back into my old ways. In my insomnia induced ruminations, I'd think about how my whole self help journey has just been smoke and mirrors and I'd die if I were anywhere outside the comfort of my familiar home. I'm just a child trying to cosplay as an adult. All my motivation to work, play and improve my general health came from knowing I had support, support I've deceived out of my parents, but support nonetheless. If my parents were to kick me out (cuz they will once they find out the truth), I'd prolly ctb at the rental place the first month. Fuck landlords tho so it's still a win.
Nowadays, more than ever, I'm just so numb, what with all these responsibilities I don't have enough drive to take on. Luckily death is always there to be a back up plan.
I'm just itching for death. It'd be so easy to jump out my 9th floor balcony but I want my parents apartment to keep (some) of its value. One set decision is the setting and time. All that's left is the main act. I've scratched a lot of ideas off but also gained a lot of methods from lurking on here. Thank goodness for this website and the concept of eternal slumber. At least there's one thing I can look forward to.
