Venting Self-hatred and Suicidal Ideation

[Memento]

It's hell feeling like this—the guilt, pain, and anxiety is consuming, and my self-hatred is strong. I feel so useless and incompetent, so awkward and embarrassing. I can't help my suicidal ideation, I just want to die so I don't have to live another day as me. My compulsive thoughts tell me how worthless I am, how people would be better off without me, that no one is going to remember me in the end. It's not like they just go away, it lingers in the back of my mind all the time. It's just so painful living when you can't live with yourself.

 

[Archness]

I can't help my suicidal ideation, I just want to die so I don't have to live another day as me.

Such a good way to put it.

In the past, I had such an inflated ego, borderline narcissism, thinking I was special, and stuff. I was really detached from reality back them.

Honestly worked alot on myself, introspection, thought, etc to get where I am now, to attune to the real. But instead of becoming strong or something, like /w the "redpill", I realized it's over, getting blackpilled. I litterally shouldn't have been born, everything people give to me is pointless, like a blackhole.

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound really horrible and tiring what you have to endure, it's true that existing in this world certainly can be torture. At least to me there really is no real relief from suffering as long as one exists here but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[wiltingorchid]

Feeling like this must be horrible. Having to exist while hating ur self and your existence is the worst- i do relate to this. It is so unfair that this society forces people to stay alive, even when they are in excrutiating pain.

 

[enviro400mmc]

Such a good way to put it.

In the past, I had such an inflated ego, borderline narcissism, thinking I was special, and stuff. I was really detached from reality back them.

Honestly worked alot on myself, introspection, thought, etc to get where I am now, to attune to the real. But instead of becoming strong or something, like /w the "redpill", I realized it's over, getting blackpilled. I litterally shouldn't have been born, everything people give to me is pointless, like a blackhole.

Can't tell if I'm reading someone else's post on SS or looking in a mirror here

 

[uglybunny]

It's just so painful living when you can't live with yourself.

this. everyday i wake up and have to constantly deal with myself to no end. mirrors everywhere, and never alone and always perceived. i hate myself and i have the same thoughts, how could i keep going having to live with myself? i know exactly how this feels :(

 

[Bigsmoke777]

Such a good way to put it.

In the past, I had such an inflated ego, borderline narcissism, thinking I was special, and stuff. I was really detached from reality back them.

Honestly worked alot on myself, introspection, thought, etc to get where I am now, to attune to the real. But instead of becoming strong or something, like /w the "redpill", I realized it's over, getting blackpilled. I litterally shouldn't have been born, everything people give to me is pointless, like a blackhole.

I relate to this so much. You put it together so well. Remembering any memory involving me is beyond embarrassing. I had such an inflated ego as well. By the time I could see myself for the crappy person I was, definitely blackpilled. I'm too weak and defective to be red pilled I guess. I also had a moment of just realizing it's over. I may as well have died then, because I havent been anything but miserable constantly since. Im SUCH a bad person, I had to realize I needed to just ctb and mentally die to really see how bad I've always been. Like being miserable every day wasnt enough, now its everything all the time. Things can definitely always get worse, but better? Not for all of us, unfortunately. Not how the world works.

 

[lookingforsanctuary]

You write really well. Your pain really comes through. I'm sorry everything is so hard for you these days.

 

[SpiderLink]

It's hell feeling like this—the guilt, pain, and anxiety is consuming, and my self-hatred is strong. I feel so useless and incompetent, so awkward and embarrassing. I can't help my suicidal ideation, I just want to die so I don't have to live another day as me. My compulsive thoughts tell me how worthless I am, how people would be better off without me, that no one is going to remember me in the end. It's not like they just go away, it lingers in the back of my mind all the time. It's just so painful living when you can't live with yourself.

So relatable, I hope u know your not alone in feeling this way

 

[leftdreaming]

Well said.