My step father was very cruel to me as I was growing up. One particular time he locked me in a room with him and spent half an hour going through my school report and telling me how shit I was. I eventually got up and tried to escape but he wouldnt let me out of the door. My mother was banging on the other side trying to get me out and eventually he opened the door enough for me to squeexe through. He chased me through the house and dragged me back into the room by my hair so he could continue to put me down.
There were a few other incidents like this as I was growing up and I spent most of my childhood being afraid on some level depending on his mood.
I really think this is why I feel so bad about myself as a 37 year old man. I crave love and will do anything for it and when I get it and then lose it it hits me really,really hard. I hate myself and I feel as though I am cursed and I am sick of the cycles of thinking everything is going to be alright and then my legs getting kicked out from underneath me.
Im very,very low at the moment and as I have been here so many times I know what I have yet to go through. That's why this time I am giving up and ctb. I cant go through it all again this time or when it happens again in the future.
