Self harm as a coping mechanism

[failedmind]

I started self harming again often to cope with the fact I cant kill myself yet. I was clean for 6 years (after SH for 8 ish years) then relapsed in July. Now I keep cutting. My arms are covered again and I feel so alone and sad. I live alone and I don't have friends or see family much so I don't have to cover them or anything, but I guess I just feel so alone in this. I did it so much this morning that my arm really hurts. Anyone else use this as their coping mechanism? I can't believe I went back to doing this after I told myself I wouldn't but life has gotten so hard that I don't know what to do anymore. I don't even leave my house anymore, everything is miserable and since I can't ctb just yet this is all I do now

 

[ImpairedLowlife]

Right now, I don't do it as much as I used, but my arms are covered in scars all over and I do relapse from time to time. It kind of helps me to feel I still have somewhat of a control of my life. And it helps a little bit to calm down knowing you can't ctb quite yet.