Self-harm and suicide

[Oh so tired]

Anyone self-harm to suppress suicidal thoughts/urges? It is getting a bit out of hand here at the moment. It is difficult to manage at the moment in lockdown as I'm trying to avoid visiting the hospital for stitches.

 

[faust]

Yes, I do. I vape so much that I feel very weak and broken. A few days of no sleeping is a way of self-harm too (though it does make me feel better)
And... inhaling cigars instead of keeping in my mouth. But I just like this heavy smoke.
Ah, ye, best self harm ever! Very hot sauce! Really, this pain can make me feel better after it goes off... If only it could burn once, not twice...

 

[bl00d_1nf3ct10ns]

Anyone self-harm to suppress suicidal thoughts/urges? It is getting a bit out of hand here at the moment. It is difficult to manage at the moment in lockdown as I'm trying to avoid visiting the hospital for stitches.

Yeah i used to, dude. But it came to a point that (for me) it does not work anymore, i feel numb and stupid and i just want to feel alive. There are some methods that can "replace" self-harm like sticking tapes to such area and pulling, holding a cube of ice etc. I hate sounding like a coach. I wish you the best, have a nice day

 

[Spacing Out]

Yeah, I do. I relapsed in December '19. I don't do it very often now, because my boyfriend would DEFINITELY notice and god, I don't want that. Usually it's cutting, but I do a lot of picking, too. For a really small period I smoked cigarettes purely for harm purposes, but decided it wasn't for me. There's a reason my roommates watch for a specific brand of vodka in my room, too. I do a lot of self-harmy behaviours but I really, really don't recommend it to anyone who hasn't started. Don't get the ball rolling, if you can help it. I can't speak on whether it's worth it or not, since I've been doing it forever, unfortunately.

I have to admit, it does help me cope when I'm suicidal. I think that's why it's so hard for me to quit, beyond the general addiction.

 

[Genetics]

Anyone self-harm to suppress suicidal thoughts/urges? It is getting a bit out of hand here at the moment. It is difficult to manage at the moment in lockdown as I'm trying to avoid visiting the hospital for stitches.

I don't cut but I have self harmed for many decades (4 decades). I have been told that the behavior is based in a numbness within the person. A sense of having no feeling, inside or out. The pain of the self harm makes you FEEL SOMETHING. You should at least clean your cuts so they don't infect. I hope you're not cutting so deep as to need stitches. I send you a hug.

 

[alizee]

I go without eating for a couple of days.

 

[Oh so tired]

I don't cut but I have self harmed for many decades (4 decades). I have been told that the behavior is based in a numbness within the person. A sense of having no feeling, inside or out. The pain of the self harm makes you FEEL SOMETHING. You should at least clean your cuts so they don't infect. I hope you're not cutting so deep as to need stitches. I send you a hug.

Thanks for your reply. That makes sense. For me the cutting helps me feel calmer and more in control, it suppresses the suicidal feelings (for a short while). I'm struggling to keep it under control and often need stitches but end up dealing with it myself to avoid a hospital visit.

I go without eating for a couple of days.

Me too alizee. I have an eating disorder. It is a form of self-harm too I guess.

Yeah, I do. I relapsed in December '19. I don't do it very often now, because my boyfriend would DEFINITELY notice and god, I don't want that. Usually it's cutting, but I do a lot of picking, too. For a really small period I smoked cigarettes purely for harm purposes, but decided it wasn't for me. There's a reason my roommates watch for a specific brand of vodka in my room, too. I do a lot of self-harmy behaviours but I really, really don't recommend it to anyone who hasn't started. Don't get the ball rolling, if you can help it. I can't speak on whether it's worth it or not, since I've been doing it forever, unfortunately.

I have to admit, it does help me cope when I'm suicidal. I think that's why it's so hard for me to quit, beyond the general addiction.

Thanks for your reply. Sorry you find yourself in this situation too. I feel the same- it helps me cope with feeling suicidal. It is so hard to get out of isn't it? To be honest I'm not even trying to stop at the moment, it is one of my few coping strategies and I would not manage without it...

 

[STK]

I do a lot. Taught myself to stitch it up so long as it's somewhere I can use both hands. Stops the hospital visits if nothing else. Hugely out of control with it all but honestly, not sure I'm bothered to get back in control

 

[BlackPoppet]

I used to not eat for days, pull my hair out ( Trichatillamania) and punch / hit myself in the face. I wanted the outside to match how I felt on the inside. Ugly, useless, angry, not wanted, an outcast.

 

[JamesF]

I haven't self harmed in around a year, i want to now but i dont want to deal with the mess, i haven't eaten in 7 days but thats just becasue i cant bare eating atm

 

[Oh so tired]

I do a lot. Taught myself to stitch it up so long as it's somewhere I can use both hands. Stops the hospital visits if nothing else. Hugely out of control with it all but honestly, not sure I'm bothered to get back in control

I need that skill! Is it difficult to stitch yourself? During lockdown I've been avoiding the hospital and using steri-strips to deal with wounds but it is not always enough. I feel out of control too, sorry you are also going through this.

I haven't self harmed in around a year, i want to now but i dont want to deal with the mess, i haven't eaten in 7 days but thats just becasue i cant bare eating atm

That's quite an achievement, how did you manage to stop? Did you have psychological support? I don't feel I would be able to stop even if I wanted to.
How are you feeling not having eaten for 7 days? I have an eating disorder so also not eating much at the moment, but I do eat something each day, even if it's just a bit of fruit, I wonder how difficult it would be to fast completely.

 

[JamesF]

I just stopped, i had 20 stiches one evening at hospital and didnt want to do it again, i did a few bits after that but nothing as serious. Im not having a good time atm and just dont have an appetite, ive been researching the sn method on and off for months and i think its time now, just waiting for everything to arrive

 

[Womble]

I used to SH a lot more than I do now, now it's difficult to get the motivation to actually follow through on my urges.
I think it has probably lead to my inability to cry, since whenever something got to me I just cut myself.
Only a handful of people know about my SH and barely any of them have ever been understanding about it, most of the time the stigma gets the best of people and they treat me like an animal that needs to be caged and forgotten about by the roadside.
Quarantine has made it difficult because all the supplies I get are pretty poor quality, but I still do it from time to time because everything feels so overwhelming at times.
That being said I don't really cut, all my cuts are shitty cat scratches and it leads to more self-hate which leads to more cutting and so the cycle continues.

 

[Isittimetogonola]

I have a friend who likes to dom and she o wants to practice. Deep open wounds and bruises. Also self and dom choking to point of unconsciousness. Has been progressing to cutting, nails and needles (not for drugs) but including drugs and alcohol. Feel absolutely nothing. The suicidal ideation just increases as I feel like a failure to feel and that my life has even come to this.

 

[Mistake of Nature]

I've self-harmed on and off since I was 11 years old (I'm in my late 20's now). My body is covered in thousands of scars. I do it because it makes my emotional pain real, because I hate myself so much, and because I deserve it.

OP, sorry to hear that your self-harming is getting tough to control. I hope you've got some medical supplies so you can treat your injuries at home. Please be careful as it's very easy to cause very serious harm to yourself, even if you're not intending to.

 

[Oh so tired]

I just stopped, i had 20 stiches one evening at hospital and didnt want to do it again, i did a few bits after that but nothing as serious. Im not having a good time atm and just dont have an appetite, ive been researching the sn method on and off for months and i think its time now, just waiting for everything to arrive

So sorry you're having such a rough time, and that you're thinking of ctb soon. Does having a plan make you feel calmer? It does for me, though I haven't got everything I need yet either. You don't know me but If you ever want a listening ear I'm here.

 

[Klee]

I'm sorry that you're struggling with self harm, it's a really horrible thing to be alone with. I struggle too, definitely made worse by the lockdown, and the anxiety surrounding wounds needing attention, getting infected etc.

 

[Oh so tired]

I'm sorry that you're struggling with self harm, it's a really horrible thing to be alone with. I struggle too, definitely made worse by the lockdown, and the anxiety surrounding wounds needing attention, getting infected etc.

It is so hard isn't it? I've been trying to deal with wounds myself so as to avoid a hospital visit, but the steri-strips I've got aren't always enough. Have you had to go to hospital at all during the pandemic?

I've self-harmed on and off since I was 11 years old (I'm in my late 20's now). My body is covered in thousands of scars. I do it because it makes my emotional pain real, because I hate myself so much, and because I deserve it.

OP, sorry to hear that your self-harming is getting tough to control. I hope you've got some medical supplies so you can treat your injuries at home. Please be careful as it's very easy to cause very serious harm to yourself, even if you're not intending to.

Thanks Twombly. I'm sorry you struggle with this too. I too have awful self-loathing and it makes it virtually impossible to do anything to help myself.

 

[Klee]

It is so hard isn't it? I've been trying to deal with wounds myself so as to avoid a hospital visit, but the steri-strips I've got aren't always enough. Have you had to go to hospital at all during the pandemic?

I have been incredibly lucky that I have never had to go to the hospital for wounds, mostly from obsessively taking care of them (and likely a bit of luck). I steri-strip or dress them accordingly, although finding medical supplies has been difficult in the supermarkets during lockdown. People here hoarded dressings, antiseptics and just general first aid supplies.

 

[Natsu Suki]

I'm not really sure if this would be considered self harm but sometimes I sleep deprive myself to hurt me. It doesn't take away any feelings of suicide or depression but it makes me feel something other then emptiness for a while. I get scared when I see the hallucinations of people I knew or have known in the corner of my vision, they never interact with me just watch looking sad. I do have a fairly bad case of insomnia now from work stress as well as the stress caused by the corona outbreak.
(*￣▽￣)ﾌﾌﾌｯ♪

 

[Oh so tired]

I have been incredibly lucky that I have never had to go to the hospital for wounds, mostly from obsessively taking care of them (and likely a bit of luck). I steri-strip or dress them accordingly, although finding medical supplies has been difficult in the supermarkets during lockdown. People here hoarded dressings, antiseptics and just general first aid supplies.

You have done well to avoid hospital, it sounds like you have things under control. Before the lockdown I was at minor injuries at least once a week for stitches, it was getting seriously embarrassing as the staff there would recognise me. Though I was fortunate that I was mostly treated with kindness. Are you in the UK? I have also struggled to get hold of dressings etc.

 

[Blackpoolbootz]

Yes sh stops the s feeling at the time for me. Just have a real urge to do something to make the feeling go numb sometimes, don't know if anyone gets a feedback loop from the pain that seems to make the feeling go away?

 

[Spacing Out]

I'm sorry you've had to go to the hospital so often for minor injuries. I maybe should have once and now i have a nice scar on my forearm that everyone notices. I was "lucky" enough to find a spot on my body that a) hurts enough, b) bleeds a lot (which is personally important with SH, it's just... what satisfies my urges ig), and c) heals really quickly, barely noticeable within a week. Plus easy to hide, granted my boyfriend doesn't notice. I'm a bit more nervous for when that spot ceases to be enough, but whatever. So be it.

Yes sh stops the s feeling at the time for me. Just have a real urge to do something to make the feeling go numb sometimes, don't know if anyone gets a feedback loop from the pain that seems to make the feeling go away?

I'm not sure if I know exactly what you mean, but there's definitely a loop for me. Like it's enough, then I crave it, then I hate myself, but then I'm satisfied, etc. Not exactly like that, perhaps, but generally speaking...

 

[Blackpoolbootz]

Yes find it really difficult to put into words. The enough thing seems to bring be back from edge. I don't seem to get the hate thing after maybe it's an endorphin thing
But stops the feeling and I can goto sleep instead of the negative and racing internal chest feeling. Tryed the elastic band method but not enough. Never really had to put these into words before. Like to said above Total necessaty to hide from other people they don't get need a release to keep on living or should I say surviving

 

[Spacing Out]

Yes find it really difficult to put into words. The enough thing seems to bring be back from edge. I don't seem to get the hate thing after maybe it's an endorphin thing
But stops the feeling and I can goto sleep instead of the negative and racing internal chest feeling. Tryed the elastic band method but not enough. Never really had to put these into words before. Like to said above Total necessaty to hide from other people they don't get need a release to keep on living or should I say surviving

I think the hate part is more guilt for me. People have tried to get me to stop so many times, so it feels like I'm lying and tricking them. But I agree, it calms me down often and then I can sleep better... it definitely seems to bring me back from the cliff.

Also, I get it. I think this is the first time I'm openly talking about this without having to constantly say, "but I'm fine," "don't worry," "it doesn't mean I'll CTB," etc. Talking to people about SH usually sucks, tbh. I really appreciate this thread. Being able to talk about it without people worrying over me or feeling guilty is a relief.

 

[Freedent]

My self-harm has always been rather superficial, i just hit styro 5-6 times and call it a day whenever i have a urge. To be honest, i don't like the pain that much. But i like the blood flowing in the showers right after, and i like the process of having scars healing, i don't like them once they're healed and not scratchy anymore. I just like to...have something to take care of ? I hope i'm not alone in this mindset, i know it's kind of weird.
When i really feel guilty, shameful or angry, and want to hurt myself i prefer to starve for a few days. Both definitely up the urges to end myself.

 

[Blackpoolbootz]

Haveing the choose to CBT is important to me, having the tools infront of me is very important. I can choose either but go for the self harm it's a like choose the little one first see if it stops the feeling. I was a member of elefriends app, any mention of anything about self harm and the post is removed think they can juts make it disappear like that. Totally agree they don't seem to understand I'm doing it instead of worse measures. In past have tried to approach subject to mates to inflict pain on me as know will sort me out mentally and kind of reset my brain chemistry to stop me going crazy with ruminations. But the few people I got left would think I'm totally bonkers.

My self-harm has always been rather superficial, i just hit styro 5-6 times and call it a day whenever i have a urge. To be honest, i don't like the pain that much. But i like the blood flowing in the showers right after, and i like the process of having scars healing, i don't like them once they're healed and not scratchy anymore. I just like to...have something to take care of ? I hope i'm not alone in this mindset, i know it's kind of weird.
When i really feel guilty, shameful or angry, and want to hurt myself i prefer to starve for a few days. Both definitely up the urges to end myself.

I think the visual thing is important I don't know why, even seeing the scars after. A friend of mine cut I could never understand it but the last 3 years I completely do. Yes the guilt shame and angry feeling.

 

[Mistake of Nature]

My self-harm has always been rather superficial, i just hit styro 5-6 times and call it a day whenever i have a urge. To be honest, i don't like the pain that much. But i like the blood flowing in the showers right after, and i like the process of having scars healing, i don't like them once they're healed and not scratchy anymore. I just like to...have something to take care of ? I hope i'm not alone in this mindset, i know it's kind of weird.
When i really feel guilty, shameful or angry, and want to hurt myself i prefer to starve for a few days. Both definitely up the urges to end myself.

Not weird at all, I'm pretty much the same way! I typically don't go past the dermis layer either because I don't really enjoy the pain, I mostly like the blood. I've wanted to try bloodletting but knowing me, I'd probably mess it up haha. I like caring for my cuts as well, it's very soothing for some reason.

 

[noaccount]

Something like this, sometimes, for me, yeah.
The visual record felt important for me too.

In the most non-pathologizing, non-moralizing, not-calling-us-the-problem way possible - I'm sorry you're all in situations where this is the only way you can deal with things, and I hope it changes.

 

[Oh so tired]

I think the hate part is more guilt for me. People have tried to get me to stop so many times, so it feels like I'm lying and tricking them. But I agree, it calms me down often and then I can sleep better... it definitely seems to bring me back from the cliff.

Also, I get it. I think this is the first time I'm openly talking about this without having to constantly say, "but I'm fine," "don't worry," "it doesn't mean I'll CTB," etc. Talking to people about SH usually sucks, tbh. I really appreciate this thread. Being able to talk about it without people worrying over me or feeling guilty is a relief.

I'm glad you have found this thread helpful. For me it is a relief to hear that others feel similar and to hear about your sh experiences, thank you for being open about it. I can't talk to anyone about it in real life, no one understands, it is such a taboo subject, and people are so judgemental. My husband kind of knows, but not the full extent (I hide it well) and we never discuss it.

Not weird at all, I'm pretty much the same way! I typically don't go past the dermis layer either because I don't really enjoy the pain, I mostly like the blood. I've wanted to try bloodletting but knowing me, I'd probably mess it up haha. I like caring for my cuts as well, it's very soothing for some reason.

Same here, I strangely like the presence of the cuts and looking after them. I do get something from the pain though, it seems to numb emotional pain, albeit only briefly. I have had to cut deeper to continue to experience any pain. I have a bad wound from last night and think I will have to reluctantly go and get stitches today as steri-strips aren't doing anything for it.