Self esteem issues

[SMG08ABUSER]

My suicidal thoughts started when I was 14 years old and I'm 24 now. I remember reading a book about a girl who experienced depression during my first year in high school. This is when I realized that I related to all of the symptoms she was experiencing, even though the circumstances of the girl's depression was completely different from mine. Although I started experiencing suicidal thoughts at 14, it feels like I have had low self-esteem ever since I gained consciousness. I always thought I was ugly as a child and I remember having low self-esteem for pretty much my whole life. Even as a kid, I was always hesitant to smile or express happiness to others. The idea of loving myself and the concept of self-acceptance feels like such a foreign concept to me.

During these past 10 years, I have came to the realization that getting a girlfriend will not solve any of my problems. I am absolutely certain that I would still have low self-esteem and a very strong desire to blow my brains out, even if I did manage to get a gf. If I was to enter a relationship, I would eventually need to tell them that I am depressed and have been having suicidal thoughts. I just hope that I wouldn't be a burden to her.

I feel like my brain is permanently damaged. I am heavily considering seeking out help from a medical professional, but I am scared of my parents finding out. I am still on their health insurance, and they don't believe in mental health disorders such as depression despite being nurses. I have tried to open up to them in the past, and they yelled at me angrily.

Would telehealth services also help?

 

[jenny6391bubbles]

if you get allowance from them, you can probably save up for a therapy session if you really need it. i tried using an ai therapist since some loners online said they prefer talking to ai over real people, but the conversation just went in circles and was really superficial — i don't really recommend it unless you're really desperate. my parents are doctors and they also didn't believe in mental illnesses in the past, until they talked to a colleague who said i was severely depressed in high school after talking to me.

maybe you can try the telehealth services? is that like online therapy or something else entirely? i usually just do online therapy since traffic in my country is super bad.

hope things work out for you! also been struggling with loving myself and accepting myself, especially with judgmental parents.

 

[SMG08ABUSER]

if you get allowance from them, you can probably save up for a therapy session if you really need it. i tried using an ai therapist since some loners online said they prefer talking to ai over real people, but the conversation just went in circles and was really superficial — i don't really recommend it unless you're really desperate. my parents are doctors and they also didn't believe in mental illnesses in the past, until they talked to a colleague who said i was severely depressed in high school after talking to me.

maybe you can try the telehealth services? is that like online therapy or something else entirely? i usually just do online therapy since traffic in my country is super bad.

hope things work out for you! also been struggling with loving myself and accepting myself, especially with judgmental parents.

Yes, telehealth is pretty much online therapy over a webcam. I've also tried using AI in the past and I had the same experience you had. It felt really weird. Almost like an uncanny valley sort of feeling, not really sure how to describe it. I ended up talking in circles with the AI too.

Self-esteem is always such a struggle. I hope that things work out for you as well :)

 

[johann_liebert]

Same for me. It feels like I was born without any trace of self-esteem. As if I'm the least confident person on the planet.

they don't believe in mental health disorders such as depression despite being nurses

How does this work? Do they only believe in physical "visible" illnesses?

 

[Slow_Farewell]

There's no harm in trying them. (telehealth). At worst you're back to where you started, at best you'll have a breakthrough.
Still, it's nice you're looking for ways yourself.

 

[SMG08ABUSER]

Same for me. It feels like I was born without any trace of self-esteem. As if I'm the least confident person on the planet.


How does this work? Do they only believe in physical "visible" illnesses?

Yes. They both come from a very conservative family and culture. Conditions that would be recognized as mental illnesses such as depression would be considered "weakness" in their culture.

 

[johann_liebert]

Yes. They both come from a very conservative family and culture. Conditions that would be recognized as mental illnesses would be considered "weakness" in their culture.

Well, I suffer a lot from my mental illnesses, but I also see them to a certain degree as personal weaknesses. I don't see myself as a very strong person and am not surprised that I turned out like that, even though it's unfortunate.

But I would still wish for you, that they at least saw it as an actual problem that needs to be treated. Even if it turns out therapy wasn't very beneficial to you, at least you can say, you tried it out.