I was taking a nap, drifting in and out of consciousness, reflecting on my fear of letting go, to drift off to sleep. I'm so desperately trying to fix myself and the outside world. I wish I could just let go, let be, and enjoy life again, like I used to when I was much younger and more blissfully naive. But, for years now I've dug deeper and deeper into an existential hole, and I seem to be digging deeper and deeper. I wish I could surrender and accept. But, this tight grip of fear and control continues to repeatedly win . Simultaneously, the fear of the ultimate letting go, CTBing, seems to be equally difficult, week at the emotional level. Then, I thought to myself, "Maybe I can see this SN CTB as an intense Ayahuasca trip, a complete experience on another level of consciousness, maybe that will help me to see the CTB as an experience to run to". Who knows what's on the other side.
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