Greetings to all of you!
Today is my first day as an official member, but I have been lurking on here for a while now.
I'm still in the research and acquiring phase.
I have read the rules and terms but please let me know if I am out of line.
My biggest concern lately is fighting the temptation to risk injury/failure when I notice any option in my environment that might "get the job done".
I was wondering if anyone struggles with this as well, because I am becoming overwhelmed and overstimulated by it. Maybe advice/mantras for being patient and methodical instead?
I fully understand that sticking to the guidelines and methods is paramount to any intrusive thought and desire, but lately it's like I intentionally look for something, anything, to take me out.
For example, this week it has been:
The thick wires/cables that are in a drawer in my office.
The Hydrocan (5mg/1.5mg/5mL) prescription given last week that my dog didn't end up needing.
The bottle of Seroquel my bf uses occasionally.
The high-traffic road that is 10 steps away from my office door.
Etc.
All ill-advised at best, and "a trip to the inpatient facility" or prolonged suffering at worst. I've just become a bit paranoid when trying to source SN lately. Of course, if any of the above have a chance of success in combination I'd love to hear that, but really I just need to hear that waiting for the proper time/resources is worth it.
Oh yeah, I also have a failure filter, let me try on your list.
The thick wires/cables that are in a drawer in my office.
Hanging! My favorite. I hesitate between full suspention on my balcony (my neighboor might save me) or partial with a door handle. Apparently the full needs a strong rope with a special knot... Partial might fail if I don't pressure the blood zone? Properly... Very complex... If I fail I can become paralyzed unable to speak... Like a poor guy they had the cruelty to force alive. Now that's hell. I need more research. Someone gave me a video about how solud various extension cords are... A dollar store will faill full suspention but someone managed a partial?
The Hydrocan
Cough supressant? It doesn't sound deadly. More like a long nap. I drank cough syrup to sleep once
Seroquel
Psych meds. I doubt they'd give a fatal dose to a possibly suicidal person, and the bottle is not full. I'd hoard many bottles if it was mine. But the risk to vomit & fail is... probably the most failed method.
The high-traffic road
I got hit by a car. Wonderful death... I felt nothing... Until I woke up. I still struggle to spell my name sometimes. Mine was accidental, he wasn't that fast, didn't do his stop when he turned. I'd at least pick a train, but someone lued feet first & only lost her legs. I'd dress all in black with a hood & put my neck, but it might just knock me off the track with more brain damage.
Etc.
I am intrigued
I read that people survive jumping off a bridge, or even off a plane with a parachute that never opens. I cried in despair.
I feel like doing it impulsively before knowing how is too risky for me. But people did, tried many times, finally succeeded... People died in the dumbest accidents (falling in the shower).
But people like us have adrenalin in the blood at all times, that makes us immortal. And we might even relax our muscles facing death happily, being less likely to break. Cruel irony.
Best wishes. Tell me tips?
TW: abuse, death, relationships.
This is my first time ever opening up about this, I don't mean to trauma dump. Thank you for the safe space.
Just stuff. My mom is psychologically/emotionally abusive and it's getting worse by the day. I have an autoimmune disorder which, while not excruciating, makes me not look forward to the future as I feel crappy all the time as it is. I don't have any friends, but my amazing fiancée who now suffers the consequences of my mom's abuse along with me. It isn't right to let that continue, but every time I get ready to go NC I get dragged back in out of guilt/shame/fear.
Ultimately, I don't feel safe in my own body, or in my own mind, and anything good that I do build gets torn down by my mom immediately.
My attempts to improve the situation for the past decade have all backfired. I feel trapped and I'm just over it. Even when I was younger, I always figured I'd be dead by now anyway and I'm tired of waiting for it to happen
Your mom sounds like a narc like mine. I dosowned my family so hard I even changed my name. I punched her in the throat when she slapped me around 5 times in a row, after I pushed her away gently. I did nothing, she vented her break up like I was some punching bag. I'm glad I defended myself 1 time before my death.
If you have a fiancé, can't you move in with her? Kick out your narc mom. I meant metaphorically, but a literal kick in the butt us better than a good person suicide. Then the jerk gets to live on? Unfair.
Dr house says it's never lupus. I say it's never auto immune. We are what we eat, you're made of something your body can't handle & self destruct its corrupt cells. Grains, gmo... Some allergen or chemical. I read that vaccines can cause it, especially the new one messing with rna... dna stuff... But get rid of the toxic mom first. She's poison.
TW: abuse, death, relationships.
This is my first time ever opening up about this, I don't mean to trauma dump. Thank you for the safe space.
Just stuff. My mom is psychologically/emotionally abusive and it's getting worse by the day. I have an autoimmune disorder which, while not excruciating, makes me not look forward to the future as I feel crappy all the time as it is. I don't have any friends, but my amazing fiancée who now suffers the consequences of my mom's abuse along with me. It isn't right to let that continue, but every time I get ready to go NC I get dragged back in out of guilt/shame/fear.
Ultimately, I don't feel safe in my own body, or in my own mind, and anything good that I do build gets torn down by my mom immediately.
My attempts to improve the situation for the past decade have all backfired. I feel trapped and I'm just over it. Even when I was younger, I always figured I'd be dead by now anyway and I'm tired of waiting for it to happen
Your mom sounds like a narc like mine. I dosowned my family so hard I even changed my name. I punched her in the throat when she slapped me around 5 times in a row, after I pushed her away gently. I did nothing, she vented her break up like I was some punching bag. I'm glad I defended myself 1 time before my death.
If you have a fiancé, can't you move in with her? Kick out your narc mom. I meant metaphorically, but a literal kick in the butt us better than a good person suicide. Then the jerk gets to live on? Unfair.
Dr house says it's never lupus. I say it's never auto immune. We are what we eat, you're made of something your body can't handle & self destruct its corrupt cells. Grains, gmo... Some allergen or chemical. I read that vaccines can cause it, especially the new one messing with rna... dna stuff... But get rid of the toxic mom first. She's poison.
Reviving this because I just need to vent for a second.
I live in the US, which is a privilege compared to other places that have less access to methods I guess. But I may as well be somewhere else. I have zero clue (or trust) about the dark web, or crypto, and I have zero connections in the real world. Apparently DARE was wrong when they said people on street corners are just waiting to throw H or F at you, god I wish. SN was my method of choice but I can't even have a doctor listen enough to get me my needed medications half the time, let alone the real goods.
AND, of all fucking things, I recently moved to a town that has zero tall accessible buildings due to it being the home of an airforce base. None over 150ft, are you serious?! I can't even jump to ctb.
I guess I could play a longer game and apply for a weapon license, take classes, and then own a gun. But someone in the family shot themselves in the head and freaking survived, so that's done.
And I'm afraid of being in the water so I really couldn't drown myself.
I just feel like a caged animal, I need to leave and time is running out to do so before my life gets even worse. I just still don't have any options other than hanging, which is too risky imo.
I love trauma dump, I feel less alone in my own trauma. Got abused so I'm pro death penalty. Apparently murder in self defense is legal in some cases, always moral to me.
I love hanging. Might be doable with a door handle, I saw kenny do auto erotic asphyxiation & die that way in south park.
I wonder if we can rent a car without a permit to die with co2. I guess I can't drive it in a hidden place. Maybe you have a permit? Do they have cliffs? Bus trips to a trip to see some? Invite your mom to look down. Or don't ever talk to her again. Less trouble.
