Hi, I'm going to skip class tommorow and drive on the highway to scout where I'd like to die, as running in front of a truck is currently my planned CTB method I guess. Highly doubt I'll actually attempt but who knows how I'll feel tomorrow. This is my first time driving on the highway alone and skipping class so I'm a bit scared. I guess I'm mainly writing this paragraph for myself so I won't chicken out in doing it.
I'm only been doing community college part-time because of my depression/suicidal thoughts, yet I haven't even been bothering to look at what work I have to do let alone completing it. I have extreme social anxiety and the prozac I've been prescribed a while back isn't doing shit. I only have to be in a physical classroom for 5hrs a week yet it's still stressful and I keep shaking when I'm around people, it's been worse in highschool when I had to be around other kids 8 hours 5 days a week, but still. I don't know who I am anymore and I hate my existence, I hate that I'm apart of people's lives and can have an affect on them, I hate that I am real and people can perceive me. I hate when people are nice to me and I hate when people are mean to me, I just want to isolate myself forever. I don't want anyone to know me and I don't want to exist in this world, I wish I was never here in the first place. I want everyone who has ever encountered me to forget me. I guess that's a bit ironic to say since I'm posting this publicly, but yeah. I haven't had a friend in years, but I don't think I want one, I just want to cure my loneliness. It feels like my only goal right now is just to stall time until I'm ready to end my life. I don't really have any other goals or ambitions in life, I'm already on track to failing the stupidly easy classes I'm taking with so much free time on my hands so I can't even get that right. I'm so stupid. I'm not really looking for sympathy or kind words by posting this, I guess I just hope there's someone out there who can relate to my level of antisocialness and so I can feel a little less alone, and maybe I can be the same for someone else.
I'm only been doing community college part-time because of my depression/suicidal thoughts, yet I haven't even been bothering to look at what work I have to do let alone completing it. I have extreme social anxiety and the prozac I've been prescribed a while back isn't doing shit. I only have to be in a physical classroom for 5hrs a week yet it's still stressful and I keep shaking when I'm around people, it's been worse in highschool when I had to be around other kids 8 hours 5 days a week, but still. I don't know who I am anymore and I hate my existence, I hate that I'm apart of people's lives and can have an affect on them, I hate that I am real and people can perceive me. I hate when people are nice to me and I hate when people are mean to me, I just want to isolate myself forever. I don't want anyone to know me and I don't want to exist in this world, I wish I was never here in the first place. I want everyone who has ever encountered me to forget me. I guess that's a bit ironic to say since I'm posting this publicly, but yeah. I haven't had a friend in years, but I don't think I want one, I just want to cure my loneliness. It feels like my only goal right now is just to stall time until I'm ready to end my life. I don't really have any other goals or ambitions in life, I'm already on track to failing the stupidly easy classes I'm taking with so much free time on my hands so I can't even get that right. I'm so stupid. I'm not really looking for sympathy or kind words by posting this, I guess I just hope there's someone out there who can relate to my level of antisocialness and so I can feel a little less alone, and maybe I can be the same for someone else.
