Venting SchizoAffective Disorder and my Comprehension of Reality

[MourningFlower]

This is just a general vent, so please feel free to ignore me. Questions are welcome, but there are some things I would rather not talk about.

I have SchizoAffective Disorder. Bipolar type. I broke down at 21 (I'm now in my 30's, please don't remind me), and have very few memories from around that time, thanks to episodes and a point blank refusal to believe anything presented to me as fact. I trusted nobody, not even my own Mother, who is sadly now no longer with us.

My life has been... chaotic, to say the least. I have a tendency to oscillate rapidly between borderline agoraphobe and NEVER inside. I enjoy being alone, I love the peace it brings. But yet, I always find myself craving the intimacy that comes from genuine friendships. Romantic relationships... not so much. While a companion would be nice, and I see the benefits of having somebody to love and be loved by, I've been abused. It's a whole thing, and I'm still processing/grieving a LOT of things I never thought would happen. I've been seeking therapy again, but it's a long process. There are so many in need, and as I'm not on the verge of CTB, or at least not perceived that way, I'm not a priority here. My main option is private, and I need to pay off debts/get my finances in order before I can seek it.

My hallucinations tend to leave me in a state of not trusting reality. Things warp. They twist. They drop away. I've spent 3 hours staring at a wall before, watching the shooting stars. And the voices? They're not inside my head. They come from outside. I speak with them often, but sometimes it's not worth listening. Music helps. Art helps even more, but I'm tired of hearing "You should turn that into a business!" from well meaning, but ultimately underqualified people. My art is my hobby, a passion, something I do for fun and cartharsis. Not a business, not something to be sold.

I find it rather ironic that I can support others, but when I'm on a downward spiral, I won't listen to reason. Or logic. Or kindness. I don't believe I deserve it, despite being told so many times I do.

All this to say, I'm still here. Still fighting. Still screaming into the void. For how much longer, I don't know, but while I still am, I will continue to be myself, in whatever state that comes. It's all I know.

 

[MourningFlower]

Listening to this on repeat is keeping me grounded right now. I'm really hoping this isn't an episode.

 

[Ch4in3dcr0w]

Its good that u are still fighting and being yourself. On the part of not listening to reason/logic or kidness u absolutly deserve it and u deserve better in life than u have it right now like a lot of us here do. On another note thanks for posting the song i will for sure listen to it and more of the band(?) as it looks interesting. Much love and good luck in the future, keep being yourself

 

[MourningFlower]

Chased a light trail going down the stairs. Ran into the wall. I'm not hurt, just embarrassed.

 

[MourningFlower]

Today, I had to maintain the "normal, functional member of society" facade while walking around with family who insist on infantilising me whenever I show symptoms. My voices were arguing and trying to make me laugh the whole time. It was a trip.

 

[MourningFlower]

Medication review. It went... as expected. They still don't seem to care all that much, and I'm tired of explaining that while, yes, recovery would be nice, I see no point in group therapy. It'll be the same shit as the last 3 times they sent me. Sitting in a room listening to other people vent while watching the shooting stars and thinking about home, where the real party begins (translation: I talk to my voices and do as I please). I don't trust them. Not one bit.

 

[MourningFlower]

Tired. Not just body. But mind. "Soul". Blah.

 

[MourningFlower]

The voices have been particularly annoying just lately.

I've tried going to my Dr's, had one failed appointment due to an error on their system (story of my life), another with an empathetic, but ultimately clueless Nurse, who then passed me on to a local team who have ZERO experience with my condition. This team focuses mostly on things I've already gone over with prior therapists (along with "building relationships and how to not let your symptoms affect the people around you"), not to mention has a waiting list of 6+ months.

I was told to refer myself for local talking therapies, only to be met with a letter 3 days later, stating that they cannot offer me help at this time.

I feel torn, exhausted and like I'm back to square one. I wish the bus would come already.

 

[MourningFlower]

"It gets worse before it gets better"

How could it get worse?

How?

How?

HOW!?!?!?!?!?!